Lots of people have killed one or two, but it takes a certain precocious type to aspire to be a serial killer. But, with the added celebrity comes an added responsibility, not only to your peers, your targets, but to posterity, the grand tradition of serial killers. And the first thing you must do, before you pick up that knife or gun, is come up with a name.
Now many of you may assume that is the responsibility of the police or F.B.I., but can you really trust them to give you a name worthy of history, one your kids could be proud of? I think not!
When we murderologists and novice serial killers think of the greats, of whom do we think? Who recalls Bob the Midday Mauler? George the Shooter? I bet you’ve never heard of them. What kind of notoriety is that? Think about their kids, telling their friends at school, “my dad is so cool, he’s George the Shooter.” Instead of instilling fear in his kids’ classmates, they’ll mock them. Do you really want that for your kids? Now imagine how Jack the Ripper’s kids were treated at school. Do you think anyone every bullied them? No, they probably stood in line to give his kids their lunch money.
For all the mass murderers and serial killers, no one has as cool a name as Jack the Ripper. Face it, he didn’t even kill that many people compared to a lot of these folks—it’s thought that it might have only been five—and how hard was it to kill a whore in London at the end of the 19th century? But the name, the name makes up for an otherwise unimpressive resume.
And Son of Sam? I bet the first kid who asked his son “so does that make you the Grandson of Sam?” ended up eviscerated on the cafeteria floor.
Or the Night Stalker—doesn’t that sound so much more badass that simply, Hello, I’m Richard Ramirez. And as if that wasn’t cool enough, tattooing a pentagram on your palm completes the presentation.
There are some very practical rules to follow when choosing a nom de guerre.
1. Given Jack the Ripper’s stature within our community, we have retired his name as a whole and both parts of it. I.e. you cannot be Jack the Crusher or Margaret the Ripper. We contemplated even retiring the “the” in his name, but that seemed too unmanageable.
2. Don’t use a name that has already been used. You cannot be Ivan the Terrible 2
3. Don’t slightly alter a name that’s already been used. You cannot be The Zodiac Slayer
4. Don’t pick a name you can’t fulfill. You cannot be the Unabomber if you don’t use bombs (you cannot be the Unabomber anyway, since it’s already been taken); similarly, you cannot have “Slash” in your name if you don’t use a blade
5. Don’t put someone famous’ name in your name unless you kill them. John Wayne Gacy did not kill John Wayne. The “Killer Clown” also seemed like he was trying too hard to tell us he was a killer. Psycho Clown is what he looked like—I think he should have worked that angle more. One exception: Hannibal Lecter: he did not kill Hannibal, but somehow it works.
6. You cannot use a cartoon supercriminal as your moniker. No Riddlers, Jokers, Penguins, Dr Nos. Trademark infringement is prosecuted more harshly than murder since it's the rich folks who are missing out on more money.
7. Don’t pick a name that has been copyrighted in part or in toto. You cannot be the McDonald’s Machete—even if the police don’t get you, the lawyers for McDonald’s will
8. No alliteration. You cannot be the McDonald’s Machete—even if McDonald’s doesn’t get you, one of us will for trivializing the noble tradition of serial killing
9. No initials that no one can ever remember—who the hell was the BLT killer, or BTK or something? He had at least ten kills but no one can remember who the hell he is. What kind of legacy is that?
10. No stupid puns—there’s some guy out in Los Angeles, he’s been getting away with murder for over 20 years, and he goes by the name the Grim Sleeper. My God!!!! If that man has any self-respect, he’ll kill himself for such a crappy name. What was he smokin’?
11. No acronyms, anagrams, or palindromes. If your claim to fame is witty word play, write a damn book and leave the killing to us
12. No schoolyard nicknames like “Scooter” or “Binky” or “Dickwad” unless you carve them in your target’s flesh. That makes it vengeful. Otherwise it’s simply an Oedipal issue and you probably still wet your bed.
13. Don’t include your home address in your name. If you choose to be the 47 Bluejay Lane Shooter, you are simply too dumb to point a gun in the right direction when you shoot
14. Don’t try to set yourself above other serial killers. You cannot be Best Killer Ever—you’ll end up having the shortest career ever.
15. Copyright your name before your first kill. You’ll find that you make more from copyright fees than you could imagine. If you also copyright your image, you’ll be set. You know how much Michael Jordan (who does not approve of this site) makes from his little Air Jordan image?
So, now that you know what is expected, start thinking up a good moniker. If you have doubts, feel free to contact The Perfect Murder and we will gladly critique your choice. Few come up with their names on the first try—before the Hillside Strangler was the Hillside Strangler, he was thinking about using The Suburban Strangler—see how much a little outside advice helped him?
Poor Josef Stalin. Talk about a pathetic name for a mass murderer. He appears to have had killed up to twice as many civilians as Hitler, but does society shrink at the name Stalin—oh him, wasn’t he the guy in the picture with Roosevelt and Churchill? Do we glare icily at parents who name their kids Joseph? Name your kid Adolph and see if Children’s Services don’t come? Your name matters (Shakespeare was wrong), and you only get to make it once (although technically, you could start killing under a different name, but you would need a different “signature” [see SO YOU WANT TO BE A SERIAL KILLER: PART 2: SIGNATURES] and you will lose credit for all kills under the previous name).
Think up some good names and let’s get killin’.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
HIT-WOMEN OF THE WORLD: I AM SORRY
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
Wow, my gmail box filled up so fast on this one, a whole lot faster than when I pissed off the butlers and the hillbillies. Turns out the perfect murderer might be a murderess—oops, I mean MsMurderer. If I am to believe these emails and comments, which I have no reason not to, then most of the unsolved murders are actually committed by women, making women the more prolific and perfect of all murdering demographics. Since the police, the public, and even me, a pseudo-professional murderologist don’t expect the killers to be women, the women can kill with impunity. It’s brilliant, and again, women, I’m sorry.
I have been contacted by a shadow Russian mob, made up only of women, whose best killer is a 95 year old babushka nicknamed “Baba Yar.” She’s killed so many male mobsters that any time a mobster ends up dead, they blame it on “Baba Yar”—rumor has it she’s killed more than the number of her years.
There’s a Japanese syndicate, the Crane, out of Kobe that leaves origami canes on its targets. They control all the male prostitution in Japan and most of southeast Asia—and they routinely kill males who try to get in on their action or European and American men coming over looking for children for the sex trade.
And there’s a Tijuana border drug gang, The Daughter of Coatlicue (?), that specializes in smuggling morning after pills and counterfeit Viagra (once it gets big, it NEVER goes down—evidently a bunch made it into L.A., but doctors are not reporting it because supposedly a number of their board members are still “aroused”). Another, Las Chingadas are also eliminating the gangs that target women in Cuidad Juarez and the police and politicians that assist them or look the other way. Don’t mess with those chicas.
And the American women. Nowhere but America can you find such entrepreneurial spirit. While there are women’s social clubs like Guns and Glamour, most of the groups tend to be middle class suburban moms. One, Criminal Chicks, meets under the guise of the school PTA—in fact, they often refer to themselves as the Harpie Valley PTA. They said since men never come and never want to know anything about it, they’re free to do whatever they want. They even suggested that other PTAs consider charging for hits as well, especially during these periods of tight school budgets and poorly supported bake-sells and fundraisers. No one ever suspects the PTA, and no one ever complains so long as the money comes in. The most notorious, at least that I can tell, is Vagina Dentata, a loose-knit group of chapters in the Northeast (the more radical ones prefer the more vulgar translation, “Chewin’ Cunts) that targets rapists—they kill them and then cut off the penises and testicles. Their most daring and delicious action is that they sponsor July 4 picnics where they serve “bratwurst” and “sheep testicles” which are allegedly popular with mayors, prosecutors and attorneys, and police. I think their covers are scrapbooking and knitting clubs.
And then there’s a bunch of freelancers. Stay at home women who find housework and Oprah boring, that want a little more zing and ca-ching in their lives. Wow, I am summarily embarrassed by my utter ignorance on this topic, and sincerely appreciate the education I have received. Never again will I look at a woman as a sex object or a thinking individual, now I will see woman as adept and efficient killer.
So again, I am truly sorry not respecting or appreciating the murderous potential of the fairer, nay superior sex.
Does this constitute a re-evaluation of the femme fatale? God, I don’t understand all this reinvention, reconstruction crap. Can’t we all just be killers?
And if I have managed to piss off anyone else in this post, relax and wait a few days and I’ll be on to pissing off someone else.
And please don’t kill me.
Wow, my gmail box filled up so fast on this one, a whole lot faster than when I pissed off the butlers and the hillbillies. Turns out the perfect murderer might be a murderess—oops, I mean MsMurderer. If I am to believe these emails and comments, which I have no reason not to, then most of the unsolved murders are actually committed by women, making women the more prolific and perfect of all murdering demographics. Since the police, the public, and even me, a pseudo-professional murderologist don’t expect the killers to be women, the women can kill with impunity. It’s brilliant, and again, women, I’m sorry.
I have been contacted by a shadow Russian mob, made up only of women, whose best killer is a 95 year old babushka nicknamed “Baba Yar.” She’s killed so many male mobsters that any time a mobster ends up dead, they blame it on “Baba Yar”—rumor has it she’s killed more than the number of her years.
There’s a Japanese syndicate, the Crane, out of Kobe that leaves origami canes on its targets. They control all the male prostitution in Japan and most of southeast Asia—and they routinely kill males who try to get in on their action or European and American men coming over looking for children for the sex trade.
And there’s a Tijuana border drug gang, The Daughter of Coatlicue (?), that specializes in smuggling morning after pills and counterfeit Viagra (once it gets big, it NEVER goes down—evidently a bunch made it into L.A., but doctors are not reporting it because supposedly a number of their board members are still “aroused”). Another, Las Chingadas are also eliminating the gangs that target women in Cuidad Juarez and the police and politicians that assist them or look the other way. Don’t mess with those chicas.
And the American women. Nowhere but America can you find such entrepreneurial spirit. While there are women’s social clubs like Guns and Glamour, most of the groups tend to be middle class suburban moms. One, Criminal Chicks, meets under the guise of the school PTA—in fact, they often refer to themselves as the Harpie Valley PTA. They said since men never come and never want to know anything about it, they’re free to do whatever they want. They even suggested that other PTAs consider charging for hits as well, especially during these periods of tight school budgets and poorly supported bake-sells and fundraisers. No one ever suspects the PTA, and no one ever complains so long as the money comes in. The most notorious, at least that I can tell, is Vagina Dentata, a loose-knit group of chapters in the Northeast (the more radical ones prefer the more vulgar translation, “Chewin’ Cunts) that targets rapists—they kill them and then cut off the penises and testicles. Their most daring and delicious action is that they sponsor July 4 picnics where they serve “bratwurst” and “sheep testicles” which are allegedly popular with mayors, prosecutors and attorneys, and police. I think their covers are scrapbooking and knitting clubs.
And then there’s a bunch of freelancers. Stay at home women who find housework and Oprah boring, that want a little more zing and ca-ching in their lives. Wow, I am summarily embarrassed by my utter ignorance on this topic, and sincerely appreciate the education I have received. Never again will I look at a woman as a sex object or a thinking individual, now I will see woman as adept and efficient killer.
So again, I am truly sorry not respecting or appreciating the murderous potential of the fairer, nay superior sex.
Does this constitute a re-evaluation of the femme fatale? God, I don’t understand all this reinvention, reconstruction crap. Can’t we all just be killers?
And if I have managed to piss off anyone else in this post, relax and wait a few days and I’ll be on to pissing off someone else.
And please don’t kill me.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
HIT MEN
While I was always told, if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself (and to which I religiously adhere), some of you out there prefer to have someone else do their dirty work. To this end, I have decided to respond to the flood of e-mails concerning hit-men (as much as I believe in equal opportunity, hit women are essentially a fiction of film--definitely sexy, but in the real world, you'll be hard pressed to find any hit-women, much less ones that will have sex with you and kill your target).
Every murderologist I know has a favorite “hit man” story, and they almost always begin “A man walks into a bar….” I think TV has led us astray on this one. Why do we assume that if we go into a seedy bar, the person sitting next to us will be a professional hit man. This is utterly moronic, and if I offend some of my readers who may have tried this (and are probably reading this from a prison computer), then clearly you should be reading the Pop-Up version of this.
Okay, I will try to maintain my professional demeanor. Walking into a seedy bar and asking for a hit man is an invitation to jail. Eighty-four percent of the people in any given seedy bar who will answer your call are undercover cops or FBI. They know that Morons and Imbeciles are easy to catch—it’s the proverbial fish in a barrel—and if they can catch enough Moron and Imbeciles then it raises their conviction percentages. It’s why the average education of those serving life sentences is less than 12th grade. Sadly, a lot less.
So, don’t go to a seedy bar looking for a hit man. The same is true for ads that you find in Guns and Ammo or Soldier of Fortune. Here, I think the numbers might be as high as 94%--most of whom are FBI since these magazines are shipped over state lines.
In an ideal world, hit men and women would be free to advertise anywhere, but in our society, coming out as a hit man or woman can lead to ridicule, ostracization, and arrest. I’ve formulated a theory based on the college girls gone wild model. Quite a few college girls have admitted to stripping for college tuition, even prostitution, but the demand to see a bunch of dicks just hasn’t materialized. But guys need money too, especially guys at expensive colleges. This is the brilliance of the plan.
First, going to seedy bars is the biggest mistake. Go to nice bars close to expensive universities, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, etc. Don’t talk to the patrons, who will be snotty rich kids that you’ll want to kill anyway. Talk to the guy tending bar. He’s probably a student there who has to work his way through. He’s probably smart (which is why he got in). Sit at the bar, mumbling to yourself, “God, I wish X was dead.” As a guy working his way through, he’ll know that commiseration leads to good tips. Big tips make him think you have money. If, after a few visits and a number of drinks, you let slip that you’d pay a certain amount of money for someone to die (Do your homework: find out how much one year’s tuition is), see what he says. Either he’ll be sympathetic to your plight and let slip he might be able to help, or he’ll ask you out. The great thing about this scenario is that you know the guy behind the bar is not a cop, and if he reports you, you can blame it on the vodka speaking (never allow the bartender to set you up with a “friend” who will do it).
And never pay in advance. 10-20% down is fair, although TV shows suggest it should be 50. If a kid demands 50, be suspicious and ask for references.
Every murderologist I know has a favorite “hit man” story, and they almost always begin “A man walks into a bar….” I think TV has led us astray on this one. Why do we assume that if we go into a seedy bar, the person sitting next to us will be a professional hit man. This is utterly moronic, and if I offend some of my readers who may have tried this (and are probably reading this from a prison computer), then clearly you should be reading the Pop-Up version of this.
Okay, I will try to maintain my professional demeanor. Walking into a seedy bar and asking for a hit man is an invitation to jail. Eighty-four percent of the people in any given seedy bar who will answer your call are undercover cops or FBI. They know that Morons and Imbeciles are easy to catch—it’s the proverbial fish in a barrel—and if they can catch enough Moron and Imbeciles then it raises their conviction percentages. It’s why the average education of those serving life sentences is less than 12th grade. Sadly, a lot less.
So, don’t go to a seedy bar looking for a hit man. The same is true for ads that you find in Guns and Ammo or Soldier of Fortune. Here, I think the numbers might be as high as 94%--most of whom are FBI since these magazines are shipped over state lines.
In an ideal world, hit men and women would be free to advertise anywhere, but in our society, coming out as a hit man or woman can lead to ridicule, ostracization, and arrest. I’ve formulated a theory based on the college girls gone wild model. Quite a few college girls have admitted to stripping for college tuition, even prostitution, but the demand to see a bunch of dicks just hasn’t materialized. But guys need money too, especially guys at expensive colleges. This is the brilliance of the plan.
First, going to seedy bars is the biggest mistake. Go to nice bars close to expensive universities, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, etc. Don’t talk to the patrons, who will be snotty rich kids that you’ll want to kill anyway. Talk to the guy tending bar. He’s probably a student there who has to work his way through. He’s probably smart (which is why he got in). Sit at the bar, mumbling to yourself, “God, I wish X was dead.” As a guy working his way through, he’ll know that commiseration leads to good tips. Big tips make him think you have money. If, after a few visits and a number of drinks, you let slip that you’d pay a certain amount of money for someone to die (Do your homework: find out how much one year’s tuition is), see what he says. Either he’ll be sympathetic to your plight and let slip he might be able to help, or he’ll ask you out. The great thing about this scenario is that you know the guy behind the bar is not a cop, and if he reports you, you can blame it on the vodka speaking (never allow the bartender to set you up with a “friend” who will do it).
And never pay in advance. 10-20% down is fair, although TV shows suggest it should be 50. If a kid demands 50, be suspicious and ask for references.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
OOOHHH, I’VE PISSED OFF SOME BUTLERS
I HOPE THEY DON'T KILL ME, HA HA.
A certain bulter, Reginald Butler VII of Knightsbridge, has taken issue with the previous post.
“Dear Mr. Hardin,
“I and the other members of the Guild of Hereditary Butlers take umbrage at our depiction in your electronic missives. To begin with, we do not “butle”; that fiction has been created by today’s non-hereditary butlers, mostly Americans, who do not understand the complexity and tradition of being a butler.
“The word itself derives from the Old French 'bouteillier,' the definition of which is 'A servant who has the charge of the wine-cellar and dispenses the liquor' (Oxford English Dictionary).
“I, for example, am a seventh generation butler; before that my male forebears were a hodgepodge of stable boys, toadies, lackeys, and foot soldiers. Being butlers provided us focus and a better last name. We take great pride in our work and wish to pass it on to our sons.
“As for murder, I believe Dame Agatha Christie has done us a disservice. Her butlers commit murder for base reasons and they are always found out. When butlers of the Guild murder, we do it because our Lord has defamed our Guild (the appropriate weapon for such an offense is the Lord’s own rapier); we do it because our Lord has defamed our Lady, for whom we have secret passions (the appropriate weapon for such an offense is our Lord’s mistress’s Derringer); we do it because our Lord has defamed our Queen (the appropriate weapon for such an offense is our Lord’s own heraldry); and lastly, we do it for advancement (this is how Reginald Toady IV became Reginald Butler I), usually at the behest of the Lord’s untitled younger brother or his eldest son (the appropriate weapon in such an instance is the Lord’s tack; it directs blame towards the stablehands).
“Since you have defamed our Guild, we have all sworn blood oaths against you. You shall meet the rapier, but upon our honor, the stroke shall be fast and true. You shall not suffer. You have thrown down the glove, and we have retrieved it.
“Sincerely yours,
“Reginald Butler VII, Knightsbridge.”
Wow, I guess he is going to kill me; although, what the hell is a “rapier”—isn’t it a kind of wit?
A certain bulter, Reginald Butler VII of Knightsbridge, has taken issue with the previous post.
“Dear Mr. Hardin,
“I and the other members of the Guild of Hereditary Butlers take umbrage at our depiction in your electronic missives. To begin with, we do not “butle”; that fiction has been created by today’s non-hereditary butlers, mostly Americans, who do not understand the complexity and tradition of being a butler.
“The word itself derives from the Old French 'bouteillier,' the definition of which is 'A servant who has the charge of the wine-cellar and dispenses the liquor' (Oxford English Dictionary).
“I, for example, am a seventh generation butler; before that my male forebears were a hodgepodge of stable boys, toadies, lackeys, and foot soldiers. Being butlers provided us focus and a better last name. We take great pride in our work and wish to pass it on to our sons.
“As for murder, I believe Dame Agatha Christie has done us a disservice. Her butlers commit murder for base reasons and they are always found out. When butlers of the Guild murder, we do it because our Lord has defamed our Guild (the appropriate weapon for such an offense is the Lord’s own rapier); we do it because our Lord has defamed our Lady, for whom we have secret passions (the appropriate weapon for such an offense is our Lord’s mistress’s Derringer); we do it because our Lord has defamed our Queen (the appropriate weapon for such an offense is our Lord’s own heraldry); and lastly, we do it for advancement (this is how Reginald Toady IV became Reginald Butler I), usually at the behest of the Lord’s untitled younger brother or his eldest son (the appropriate weapon in such an instance is the Lord’s tack; it directs blame towards the stablehands).
“Since you have defamed our Guild, we have all sworn blood oaths against you. You shall meet the rapier, but upon our honor, the stroke shall be fast and true. You shall not suffer. You have thrown down the glove, and we have retrieved it.
“Sincerely yours,
“Reginald Butler VII, Knightsbridge.”
Wow, I guess he is going to kill me; although, what the hell is a “rapier”—isn’t it a kind of wit?
KILL THE RICH AND THEIR BUTLERS TOO
It turns out that there are at least three hillbillies—sorry, Ignorant Rural Americans—who can read AND write well enough to email me (two really, the third just sent a hand drawn picture as an attachment). They argue that if I am going to advocate the murder of their kinfolk (I’m sure they’re all related somehow), then they will boycott this blog (I am not sure they really understand what boycott involves and accomplishes, but that’s their prerogative). Or they said I could tell them how to kill rich people (which probably means anyone who wears shoes and has more than half his/her own teeth). Since I believe in the great equality of humanity, I will provide my Hinterlandish ignorami americani readers help with their kills too.
Unfortunately, killing the rich is more difficult than killing any other group, primarily because they carry around with them poor people to act as body armor. You have to shoot through quite a few poor people to finally hit your rich target. Furthermore, they prefer being high about the rest of us, penthouses and whatnot, so they can look down their noses at us without even having to move their heads. It’s a lot of stairs to climb to kill one, and they sure as hell don’t let us use the elevator—they always have those special keys to the elevator, to make sure the poor don’t get near them. Damn rich people.
Or they live in giant mansions on huge estates, behind massive stone walls. By the time you scale the wall, find the damn house through all the trees, and then find which of the zillion rooms in the bedroom of the person you want to kill, guess what? Their kiss-ass butler tells you, “Master and Lady are Wintering in Aspen” or summering in Monaco, or yachting with the Kennedys. So you just end up shooting the butler, but that’s so unsatisfying. (Sure, it’s ironic, but if you wanted an ironic kill, there are far better targets; see IRONIC KILLS.)
Ultimately, the only way to kill the rich is to infiltrate they homes and offices. Butlers, maids, pool boys, slaves (including sex slaves), ass wipers, gardeners, valets, chauffeurs, cooks, you get the idea. They never actually call your references—that would involve them doing work—so as long as you write down a bunch of names (make sure they sound like white people names, but not hillbilly names—and put a few roman numerals after the names, that always sounds rich) and addresses on streets with floral or French sounding names, you should get an interview. And in the interview, make sure you ALWAYS say “Sir” or “Madam” or if you really want to suck up, let slip a “Your Excellency” or “Your Eminence” or “Master”—they can’t get enough of themselves, so anything that elevates them even higher is guaranteed to get you a job. (NOTE: if you are applying for the maid or gardener job, just say “SÔ a lot, like you have no idea what they’re saying, even if you’re white—for some reason the rich believe there is something genetic in Latinos/as that makes them good gardeners and maids.)
Now, once in the employ of the rich, be patient. Give the rich bastard a few months to get comfortable around you (this will also give you enough time to earn the money to buy a handgun—which with rich folks you have to conceal). It might also give you a chance to find where all the money is hidden (it’s not in or under the mattress in rich people’s houses), but don’t steal anything until after you shoot Moneybags. Oh, and while it is not accepted to kill the other staff—they’re as downtrodden as you—it is okay, even encouraged, to kill the butler on the way out. Face it, the only thing a butler has to do is “butle” and no one on the whole damn planet knows what that means.
And once you’ve killed the Wicked Witch of the West, the Munchkins . . . wrong story. Once you’ve killed the Rich Bastard, the staff will be so happy they’ll burst into song, especially if the Butler is dead too. You might even get the maid to date you or the chauffeur or both, but get out of the house fast. Rich people have connections, and when a rich person is killed, the police actually answer the phone. I think the rich people get a special phone number to call—you know how 911 sends you to this operator who chats and asks all kinds of pointless questions, they probably just call 1, and poof, a cop answers and another is at the door within seconds. And it’s not just the cop who barely passed the academy, it’s a detective who seems smart and has a bag full of tools like they have on CSI. I mean really, when was the last time anyone looked for DNA evidence or fingerprints at a crime scene in the inner city.
So, infiltrate, kill, and get out fast. It’s your only chance.
Viva la revolucion!
Unfortunately, killing the rich is more difficult than killing any other group, primarily because they carry around with them poor people to act as body armor. You have to shoot through quite a few poor people to finally hit your rich target. Furthermore, they prefer being high about the rest of us, penthouses and whatnot, so they can look down their noses at us without even having to move their heads. It’s a lot of stairs to climb to kill one, and they sure as hell don’t let us use the elevator—they always have those special keys to the elevator, to make sure the poor don’t get near them. Damn rich people.
Or they live in giant mansions on huge estates, behind massive stone walls. By the time you scale the wall, find the damn house through all the trees, and then find which of the zillion rooms in the bedroom of the person you want to kill, guess what? Their kiss-ass butler tells you, “Master and Lady are Wintering in Aspen” or summering in Monaco, or yachting with the Kennedys. So you just end up shooting the butler, but that’s so unsatisfying. (Sure, it’s ironic, but if you wanted an ironic kill, there are far better targets; see IRONIC KILLS.)
Ultimately, the only way to kill the rich is to infiltrate they homes and offices. Butlers, maids, pool boys, slaves (including sex slaves), ass wipers, gardeners, valets, chauffeurs, cooks, you get the idea. They never actually call your references—that would involve them doing work—so as long as you write down a bunch of names (make sure they sound like white people names, but not hillbilly names—and put a few roman numerals after the names, that always sounds rich) and addresses on streets with floral or French sounding names, you should get an interview. And in the interview, make sure you ALWAYS say “Sir” or “Madam” or if you really want to suck up, let slip a “Your Excellency” or “Your Eminence” or “Master”—they can’t get enough of themselves, so anything that elevates them even higher is guaranteed to get you a job. (NOTE: if you are applying for the maid or gardener job, just say “SÔ a lot, like you have no idea what they’re saying, even if you’re white—for some reason the rich believe there is something genetic in Latinos/as that makes them good gardeners and maids.)
Now, once in the employ of the rich, be patient. Give the rich bastard a few months to get comfortable around you (this will also give you enough time to earn the money to buy a handgun—which with rich folks you have to conceal). It might also give you a chance to find where all the money is hidden (it’s not in or under the mattress in rich people’s houses), but don’t steal anything until after you shoot Moneybags. Oh, and while it is not accepted to kill the other staff—they’re as downtrodden as you—it is okay, even encouraged, to kill the butler on the way out. Face it, the only thing a butler has to do is “butle” and no one on the whole damn planet knows what that means.
And once you’ve killed the Wicked Witch of the West, the Munchkins . . . wrong story. Once you’ve killed the Rich Bastard, the staff will be so happy they’ll burst into song, especially if the Butler is dead too. You might even get the maid to date you or the chauffeur or both, but get out of the house fast. Rich people have connections, and when a rich person is killed, the police actually answer the phone. I think the rich people get a special phone number to call—you know how 911 sends you to this operator who chats and asks all kinds of pointless questions, they probably just call 1, and poof, a cop answers and another is at the door within seconds. And it’s not just the cop who barely passed the academy, it’s a detective who seems smart and has a bag full of tools like they have on CSI. I mean really, when was the last time anyone looked for DNA evidence or fingerprints at a crime scene in the inner city.
So, infiltrate, kill, and get out fast. It’s your only chance.
Viva la revolucion!
Friday, August 27, 2010
PROOF THAT GOD IS BETTER THAN DARWIN!!!
Christians rejoice! Notify the New York Times and CNN!!! Oh wait, you’re Christians—notify the Washington Times and Fox News!!!! In my research on killing, I have finally found proof that God is better than Charles Darwin. Take that atheists, scientists, liberals, high school graduates!
Sometimes the truth hides in plain sight—I can’t believe all the great Christians minds (is this an oxymoron?) of the past never noticed this. I have found the proof of God’s superiority over Darwin. Now pay close attention, because this proof requires a few steps, and if you are not particularly good at reading (say, because you will homeschooled) you might miss the magnificence of God’s greatness.
Here it is: how many people have been killed by “Acts of God”: billions and billions. It’s like McDonald’s, in the old days, McDonald’s kept changing the signs about how many hamburgers they’d sold. Once it got into the billions, they figured it was pretty much accepted that they’d sold more hamburgers than anyone. It’s the same with God. After he killed his first billion, he figured he didn’t need to add more chapters to the Bible to tell us who else he killed.
How many people have been killed by “Acts of Darwin”? ZERO. QED! GOD KICKS ASS!!!
Is this not a brilliant proof?
*NOTE: This proof also can be adapted to demonstrate why God is better than Lucifer. Face it, when did an "Act of Satan" kill 200,000 people? God's done that twice in the past 6 years--tsunami, earthquake. Take that Dark Lord! Maybe Charles Manson and the Goths are following the wrong spiritual guide.
Praise The Lord! (or die)
Sometimes the truth hides in plain sight—I can’t believe all the great Christians minds (is this an oxymoron?) of the past never noticed this. I have found the proof of God’s superiority over Darwin. Now pay close attention, because this proof requires a few steps, and if you are not particularly good at reading (say, because you will homeschooled) you might miss the magnificence of God’s greatness.
Here it is: how many people have been killed by “Acts of God”: billions and billions. It’s like McDonald’s, in the old days, McDonald’s kept changing the signs about how many hamburgers they’d sold. Once it got into the billions, they figured it was pretty much accepted that they’d sold more hamburgers than anyone. It’s the same with God. After he killed his first billion, he figured he didn’t need to add more chapters to the Bible to tell us who else he killed.
How many people have been killed by “Acts of Darwin”? ZERO. QED! GOD KICKS ASS!!!
Is this not a brilliant proof?
*NOTE: This proof also can be adapted to demonstrate why God is better than Lucifer. Face it, when did an "Act of Satan" kill 200,000 people? God's done that twice in the past 6 years--tsunami, earthquake. Take that Dark Lord! Maybe Charles Manson and the Goths are following the wrong spiritual guide.
Praise The Lord! (or die)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
IRONIC KILL #1
A Right-to-Lifer killed by an "Act of God."
That must be pretty common in Kansas and on the Gulf Coast. Since Fundamentalists are always convinced God is talkin' to them, why don't they listen when their trailer gets hit by a tornado?
That must be pretty common in Kansas and on the Gulf Coast. Since Fundamentalists are always convinced God is talkin' to them, why don't they listen when their trailer gets hit by a tornado?
MAY I PLEASE KILL HILLBILLIES?
You have no idea how much my heart is warmed when I hear killers say “Please.” Politeness has become a lost art. I think if all criminals would make the effort to say please and thank you, hold the door open for their targets, use proper grammar in ransom notes, not commit crime in school and hospital zones we could remove the stigma associated with being a criminal.
My deepest apologies—the politeness distracted me. Back to the hillbillies. Now, officially, my lawyers have informed me, I can’t tell you to kill any person or group specifically—evidently the law used to prevent fundamentalist Christians from posting the addresses of abortion doctors and then telling their followers to kill them could be used against this site. And that law doesn’t even work—the injustice! By the way, I’ve always wondered, if Christians get to kill abortion doctors, whom do atheists get to kill? Any thoughts?
Sorry again. While I can’t say “yes” to killing hillbillies, I refuse to say no. What I can do is discuss the pros and cons and allow you to arrive at an informed conclusion (which, if you do not pick up on the subtleties of argument, is "yes").
To begin with, hillbillies are no better or worse than any other group (that made me laugh just writing it, good thing they can’t read this ha ha), so feel free to choose them “randomly” from any group of potential targets (and they’re not that hard to pick out ha ha).
Now, assuming that you can find a random hillbilly (hint: despite the name, they have also been seen in regions without hills--maybe that's why they show a propensity to place old appliances in large piles on their front yards, bringing the mountain to Mohammed, so to speak), there are some things you should consider:
1. Hillbillies tend to have lots of guns, so breaking into their trailers to kill them is not a good idea. Similarly, trying to kill them while they’re driving is not advised, because most pickups come dealer-equipped with at least one shotgun per passenger and driver. About the only place that you have a chance of catching a hillbilly without his or her gun is on his/her lawnmower (and even this is 50/50)
2. Hillbillies tend to live and travel in packs. It’s why they invented those trucks with extended cabs. Until they make the two-seater lawnmower, that’s still the best choice.
3. Hillbillies tend to live in areas where the sheriffs are also hillbillies, so get the hell out of the South once you’ve killed your hillbillies.
4. In most areas where you can find clusters or megaclusters of hillbillies, any action against a hillbilly can be tried as a hate crime. Now, this is actually a moot legal point, since in these regions the law is not a document but the badge. Once the sheriff realizes you are not a hillbilly, you will be thrown in jail (so make sure you do your killing BEFORE he sees you—that’s another sign you’re in hillbilly country—there’s no such thing as female law enforcement besides meter maids). You’ll be lucky if you make it to trial. If you don’t believe me, watch that great documentary about rural justice, Easy Rider.
5. You might think, based on the previous point, that a disguise would be the answer. However, hillbillies are not as dumb as you might expect. They have perfected the art of rural affect; have spent generations refining their gene pool, eliminating such unnecessary traits as intelligence; have worn their clothes and hats to just that degree of surrender that the Gap and Ralph Lauren have never been able to imitate; and have mastered the four Js of classic country: Jefferson Davis, John Deere, Jack Daniels, and Jeff Gordon. Personally, I find the hillbilly disguise the hardest to pull off successfully—I’ve been more convincing as an oleander.
6. In hillbilly regions, DO NOT CONCEAL YOUR WEAPON!!! They’ll know in an instant you’re an outsider. Just carry your weapon, fully loaded, wherever you go: grocery store, liquor store, bowling alley, church, tractor pull, school (ha ha—couldn’t pass that one up). Of course, if you have a small gun or knife, they’ll also know you’re an outsider. And don’t flinch if one of them points a gun at you—it’s generally not an aggressive act; when you have guns in both hands, inevitably one gets pointed at somebody.
7. And lastly, we really should not be referring to them as hillbillies; their preferred term of identification is “Ignorant Rural American,” as in, “I am very pleased to make your acquaintance, Ignorant Rural American.”
A writer, Bob, from Oregon has also requested information on hillbillies. He asks, "We don't allow hillbillies in our state, or foreigners, or Californians, or pretty much anyone. Where can I find one of these hillbillies?
Good question, Bob. I'm sure a lot of our readers would like to know this.
If your life experience has deprived you of the pleasure of encountering Ignorant Rural Americans, and you would to earn the right to draw a small chalk outline of a hillbilly on the side of your Prius, but you simply have no idea where to find one, I can provide some assistance.
1. Any state that was once part of the Confederacy or bordered it. Follow the Confederate battle flags and you’ll find a hive.
2. Any states with tornados. One of the great mysteries in meteorology is how to tornados know where the hillbillies live. So anyone that the tornado is following is a hillbilly, and surprisingly, the hillbillies are well known for jumpin’ in their pickups and chasing after them with their guns (don't ask).
3. Any state that uses the Texas School Board's Curriculum in its schools.
4. Any town that has more WalMarts than Starbucks.
5. Any area in which you see "JESUS IS COMING SOON: ARE YOU READY?" signs along the road.
6. Carnivals: both the folks attending and working them.
7. Any area where the phrase "higher learning" refers to 6th grade, beauty school, or clown college.
8. Anyone at a Tea Party meeting. Note to New Englanders: If they actually serve tea, it's not a Tea Party meeting, it's a tea party--I discuss killing stuck up rich folks in a later posting.
I am sure there are more ways to find hillbillies--oops, sorry--I mean "Ignorant Rural Americans," but that should get you started.
Happy Hunting.
My deepest apologies—the politeness distracted me. Back to the hillbillies. Now, officially, my lawyers have informed me, I can’t tell you to kill any person or group specifically—evidently the law used to prevent fundamentalist Christians from posting the addresses of abortion doctors and then telling their followers to kill them could be used against this site. And that law doesn’t even work—the injustice! By the way, I’ve always wondered, if Christians get to kill abortion doctors, whom do atheists get to kill? Any thoughts?
Sorry again. While I can’t say “yes” to killing hillbillies, I refuse to say no. What I can do is discuss the pros and cons and allow you to arrive at an informed conclusion (which, if you do not pick up on the subtleties of argument, is "yes").
To begin with, hillbillies are no better or worse than any other group (that made me laugh just writing it, good thing they can’t read this ha ha), so feel free to choose them “randomly” from any group of potential targets (and they’re not that hard to pick out ha ha).
Now, assuming that you can find a random hillbilly (hint: despite the name, they have also been seen in regions without hills--maybe that's why they show a propensity to place old appliances in large piles on their front yards, bringing the mountain to Mohammed, so to speak), there are some things you should consider:
1. Hillbillies tend to have lots of guns, so breaking into their trailers to kill them is not a good idea. Similarly, trying to kill them while they’re driving is not advised, because most pickups come dealer-equipped with at least one shotgun per passenger and driver. About the only place that you have a chance of catching a hillbilly without his or her gun is on his/her lawnmower (and even this is 50/50)
2. Hillbillies tend to live and travel in packs. It’s why they invented those trucks with extended cabs. Until they make the two-seater lawnmower, that’s still the best choice.
3. Hillbillies tend to live in areas where the sheriffs are also hillbillies, so get the hell out of the South once you’ve killed your hillbillies.
4. In most areas where you can find clusters or megaclusters of hillbillies, any action against a hillbilly can be tried as a hate crime. Now, this is actually a moot legal point, since in these regions the law is not a document but the badge. Once the sheriff realizes you are not a hillbilly, you will be thrown in jail (so make sure you do your killing BEFORE he sees you—that’s another sign you’re in hillbilly country—there’s no such thing as female law enforcement besides meter maids). You’ll be lucky if you make it to trial. If you don’t believe me, watch that great documentary about rural justice, Easy Rider.
5. You might think, based on the previous point, that a disguise would be the answer. However, hillbillies are not as dumb as you might expect. They have perfected the art of rural affect; have spent generations refining their gene pool, eliminating such unnecessary traits as intelligence; have worn their clothes and hats to just that degree of surrender that the Gap and Ralph Lauren have never been able to imitate; and have mastered the four Js of classic country: Jefferson Davis, John Deere, Jack Daniels, and Jeff Gordon. Personally, I find the hillbilly disguise the hardest to pull off successfully—I’ve been more convincing as an oleander.
6. In hillbilly regions, DO NOT CONCEAL YOUR WEAPON!!! They’ll know in an instant you’re an outsider. Just carry your weapon, fully loaded, wherever you go: grocery store, liquor store, bowling alley, church, tractor pull, school (ha ha—couldn’t pass that one up). Of course, if you have a small gun or knife, they’ll also know you’re an outsider. And don’t flinch if one of them points a gun at you—it’s generally not an aggressive act; when you have guns in both hands, inevitably one gets pointed at somebody.
7. And lastly, we really should not be referring to them as hillbillies; their preferred term of identification is “Ignorant Rural American,” as in, “I am very pleased to make your acquaintance, Ignorant Rural American.”
A writer, Bob, from Oregon has also requested information on hillbillies. He asks, "We don't allow hillbillies in our state, or foreigners, or Californians, or pretty much anyone. Where can I find one of these hillbillies?
Good question, Bob. I'm sure a lot of our readers would like to know this.
If your life experience has deprived you of the pleasure of encountering Ignorant Rural Americans, and you would to earn the right to draw a small chalk outline of a hillbilly on the side of your Prius, but you simply have no idea where to find one, I can provide some assistance.
1. Any state that was once part of the Confederacy or bordered it. Follow the Confederate battle flags and you’ll find a hive.
2. Any states with tornados. One of the great mysteries in meteorology is how to tornados know where the hillbillies live. So anyone that the tornado is following is a hillbilly, and surprisingly, the hillbillies are well known for jumpin’ in their pickups and chasing after them with their guns (don't ask).
3. Any state that uses the Texas School Board's Curriculum in its schools.
4. Any town that has more WalMarts than Starbucks.
5. Any area in which you see "JESUS IS COMING SOON: ARE YOU READY?" signs along the road.
6. Carnivals: both the folks attending and working them.
7. Any area where the phrase "higher learning" refers to 6th grade, beauty school, or clown college.
8. Anyone at a Tea Party meeting. Note to New Englanders: If they actually serve tea, it's not a Tea Party meeting, it's a tea party--I discuss killing stuck up rich folks in a later posting.
I am sure there are more ways to find hillbillies--oops, sorry--I mean "Ignorant Rural Americans," but that should get you started.
Happy Hunting.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
ZOMBIES ZOMBIES ZOMBIES AND A VAMPIRE
Okay, it seems that the filter that is supposed to keep morons and imbeciles off this site and from emailing me is not working.
The Perfect Murder is supposed to be a SERIOUS forum for the discussion of MURDER. Now I know zombies and vampires are popular these days, even among the smarter segments of our coterie who seem infatuated with the cultural significance of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so I will discuss them once, and if any of you ask me about them again, I’ll have to block you from this site (or kill you).
FIRST: zombies, vampires, the Lucky Charms leprechaun, Frankenstein’s monster, E.T., God, werewolves, the gingerbread man: none of these is real!!! They are stories made up to scare you or to make you feel warm and fuzzy. Kill any or all of them, it doesn’t matter because they don’t exist (NOTE: make sure when you do, you are not killing someone in a costume—not that I have a problem with that, but you should at least know whom you’re killing. Oh, and don’t kill wolves, not even out of a helicopter, no matter what Sarah Palin tells you to do.)
SECOND: killing zombies, vampires, Frankenstein’s monster, or Christ (I think he should probably be placed in the zombie category, since he died and dug himself back out of the grave) wouldn’t be murder anyway, since all of them have already died. However, should you ever have the opportunity to “kill” the aforementioned, the most they could really charge you with is desecrating a corpse (I don’t know what the punishment for that is, but it has to be less than it is for murder).
THIRD: if you do see the zombie of a person you already killed, it’s a trap, probably. Cops like to do this to evoke the “I thought I killed you” response so that they don’t have to do the real detective work like finding evidence (and they like to watch terrified people shit their pants--there's actually a few of these videos on YouTube). Confessions are so much easier. So if you do kill this “zombie,” make sure you also kill the officer hiding in the bushes with the camera and tape recorder, otherwise you’re on the hook for two murders.
Or maybe you just didn’t do a good enough job killing the person in the first place, and so s/he is going to screw with your mind, pretending to be the living dead, when in fact s/he is simply living with bad makeup. In this case, finish the job. There’s nothing that I hate more than wannabe murderers who can’t finish a job. (Well that’s not true, I probably hate the Tea Party folks more—it’s close. You know, if the Tea Party folks died and came back as zombies, would anyone be able to tell the difference?)
The Perfect Murder is supposed to be a SERIOUS forum for the discussion of MURDER. Now I know zombies and vampires are popular these days, even among the smarter segments of our coterie who seem infatuated with the cultural significance of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so I will discuss them once, and if any of you ask me about them again, I’ll have to block you from this site (or kill you).
FIRST: zombies, vampires, the Lucky Charms leprechaun, Frankenstein’s monster, E.T., God, werewolves, the gingerbread man: none of these is real!!! They are stories made up to scare you or to make you feel warm and fuzzy. Kill any or all of them, it doesn’t matter because they don’t exist (NOTE: make sure when you do, you are not killing someone in a costume—not that I have a problem with that, but you should at least know whom you’re killing. Oh, and don’t kill wolves, not even out of a helicopter, no matter what Sarah Palin tells you to do.)
SECOND: killing zombies, vampires, Frankenstein’s monster, or Christ (I think he should probably be placed in the zombie category, since he died and dug himself back out of the grave) wouldn’t be murder anyway, since all of them have already died. However, should you ever have the opportunity to “kill” the aforementioned, the most they could really charge you with is desecrating a corpse (I don’t know what the punishment for that is, but it has to be less than it is for murder).
THIRD: if you do see the zombie of a person you already killed, it’s a trap, probably. Cops like to do this to evoke the “I thought I killed you” response so that they don’t have to do the real detective work like finding evidence (and they like to watch terrified people shit their pants--there's actually a few of these videos on YouTube). Confessions are so much easier. So if you do kill this “zombie,” make sure you also kill the officer hiding in the bushes with the camera and tape recorder, otherwise you’re on the hook for two murders.
Or maybe you just didn’t do a good enough job killing the person in the first place, and so s/he is going to screw with your mind, pretending to be the living dead, when in fact s/he is simply living with bad makeup. In this case, finish the job. There’s nothing that I hate more than wannabe murderers who can’t finish a job. (Well that’s not true, I probably hate the Tea Party folks more—it’s close. You know, if the Tea Party folks died and came back as zombies, would anyone be able to tell the difference?)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
WHITE GUILT: IS KILLING THE ANSWER?
Yes.
Many of my more moderate to liberal minded white readers have wondered how to overcome white guilt. Now, some of you might have thought that Ted Danson’s advice—do a minstrel show in blackface—would be appreciated by the African American community (apparently, only two, Whoopi Goldberg and Clarence Thomas appreciated it), or like so many of our white youth, simply listening to rap music and tossing the N-word at your friends would help you understand the black experience, or that voting for Barack Obama would give you street “cred.” Alas, I must inform you, that none of this really makes up for the centuries of slavery and segregation and the great racial abyss that still exists in this country.
I find that the immortal ballad made famous by that riveting black singer, Garrett Morris, best illuminates how we should go about assuaging our white guilt: “I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see, when I kill all the whiteys I see, whitey he won't bother me, I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see.” Inspirational, motivational words to live by.
If all white folks would just go out and kill all the whiteys they saw, just imagine how that would resolve the black-white tensions in this country. Maybe then our nation could truly heal.
Many of my more moderate to liberal minded white readers have wondered how to overcome white guilt. Now, some of you might have thought that Ted Danson’s advice—do a minstrel show in blackface—would be appreciated by the African American community (apparently, only two, Whoopi Goldberg and Clarence Thomas appreciated it), or like so many of our white youth, simply listening to rap music and tossing the N-word at your friends would help you understand the black experience, or that voting for Barack Obama would give you street “cred.” Alas, I must inform you, that none of this really makes up for the centuries of slavery and segregation and the great racial abyss that still exists in this country.
I find that the immortal ballad made famous by that riveting black singer, Garrett Morris, best illuminates how we should go about assuaging our white guilt: “I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see, when I kill all the whiteys I see, whitey he won't bother me, I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see.” Inspirational, motivational words to live by.
If all white folks would just go out and kill all the whiteys they saw, just imagine how that would resolve the black-white tensions in this country. Maybe then our nation could truly heal.
Monday, August 23, 2010
ONE KILL EACH UNTIL WE’VE ALL HAD A TURN
I am amazed with the progress that many of you have had with these lessons. Never in my fondest dreams would I think that I’d have acolytes writing me to tell that they’ve already made a kill, much less second, third, fifth kills after only one month of lessons (maybe I should make this into a video series or do conventions). In fact, one person has notched her 13th already, yes, a female! Go grrrrl, let’s shoot through that serial killer glass ceiling!
But seriously, and I don’t want this to sound like I’m not proud of you, because I am, but let’s slow down a bit. A couple of folks have emailed me saying that all the people they tried to kill were already dead when they got there. That can be quite demoralizing.
So if you’ve already notched your first, try to be considerate and save a few for the rest of them. (And hey, if you haven’t killed yet, hurry up, I don’t really making everyone wait for the slowpokes.)
But seriously, and I don’t want this to sound like I’m not proud of you, because I am, but let’s slow down a bit. A couple of folks have emailed me saying that all the people they tried to kill were already dead when they got there. That can be quite demoralizing.
So if you’ve already notched your first, try to be considerate and save a few for the rest of them. (And hey, if you haven’t killed yet, hurry up, I don’t really making everyone wait for the slowpokes.)
THE ONLY GOOD INDIAN IS A DEAD INDIAN: MA INGALLS
And no, Caroline Ingalls did not mean Indians from India, those nice folks we call when we have problems with our computers or our English grammar. She probably thought the world was flat and she’d fall off if she even went too far East or West. (However, if you are looking to kill an Indian from the Asian subcontinent, I have it on good authority that all you need to do is pick a target from a caste below you—although I’d suggest two below just to be safe—kill him or her, and pin a polite note to the local constable explaining that you were merely expressing your social superiority, as is you right, and a small tip is always advised).
American Indians. Native Americans. The folks we pretend to like on Thanksgiving and when we argue why we should be able to have Indian mascots for our sports teams.
Remember the good old days of the morality of Little House on the Prairie, the nice honest land-grabbing white folks stealing the land of the pagan savages: that spunky little Laura, the uptight Mary, the inconsequential Carrie, the rugged Pa, and the sanctimonious Ma? Based on the feedback I’ve received, it sounds like a lot of you grew up with Ma’s pithy wisdom, and want to know how such truths can be translated from prairie to present.
The question I get second most (the first is simply, can I kill Indians?), is does the Bible say anything about killing Indians?
MH: It’s a good question. The Bible says it is perfectly fine because there is no such thing as an Indian. If you look closely, God destroyed everyone on the planet about six thousand years ago, and the survivors are the sons of Ham, Shem, and Japeth, which account for the populations of Africa, Asia, and Europe. There were no survivors in the Americas, and since the last land bridge was at lease twelve thousand years ago, Indians cannot exist (neither are there any native animals, which is why killing buffalo and mountain lions is perfectly fine as well). Quod erat demonstrandum. It can’t be a sin if the target does not exist. Isn’t the Bible wonderful? This is the perfect murder since how can you be tried for murder if the person you kill never existed? Try that question out on the FBI.
Now I’ve heard folks like the Mormons and some deranged fundamentalists explain Indians as lost tribes or whatnot, but last I heard, the Ethiopian Jews claimed the lost tribe status and they’ve now been found.
Another concerned follower has asked, but isn’t killing redskins a hate crime?
MH: Well, if you refer to American Indians as “redskins,” “chief,” “Tonto,” it probably is. “Redskins” is actually a highly offensive term. The preferred term is native peoples, first peoples, American Indians, or their tribal identity (Dine, Pima, Iroquois, etc). But your question about hate crimes is important. We at “The Perfect Murder” strongly oppose all hate crimes. We seek a society where all are equal under the gun. That is why we urge our followers to get to know and understand their targets, be willing to apologize for oppression and centuries of genocide, to show compassion to the ones we kill. How can understanding and compassion be hate? If you hate Indians, don’t kill them, first walk a mile in their moccasins (then you can kill them, after you thank them for the use of their moccasins and the understanding the shoes gave you—but of course, most American Indians do not wear moccasins, so you might have to walk a mile in their Nikes).
So why did I choose to discuss Indians first? Well, I guess I’d have to say that white folks have been killing Indians for 500+ years and no one seems to care much about it. Lots of people don’t even realize there are any Indians left (see later post: The Best Target Is the One No One Realizes Is Even Alive). And so many are hidden off on reservations in the crappiest parts of America that no one much notices (I mean honestly, has anyone ever even been to either North or South Dakota?—and no, just stopping to take a picture of Mt. Rushmore doesn’t count).
The best place to kill an Indian is on a reservation, but not one of those casino reservations. Pick one of the reservations with trailers and junker cars, and about a thousand liquor stores, cigarette outlets, and evangelical churches just off the rez. Now, killing an Indian on a reservation is not any more difficult that killing the poor in the inner city; no one cares, no one notices, fish in a barrel. Reservation life spans are so short the Indian would probably die on his/her own before the bullet hit him or her anyway. Alcohol does its part as well (have you seen the crappy reservations we put these Indians on? I’d want to drink myself blind if I lived there too). And then there’s the damn white people bringing blankets infected with smallpox (oh wait, wrong century).
Find an Indian who knows his/her best chance is off the reservation and tell him/her that you’ll drive him/her off the rez and set him/her up with a decent job at a co-op in Seattle or Los Angeles. Before you leave the reservation, apologize for five hundred years of genocide by European and U.S. peoples, tell them about your wonderful experience in a sweat lodge (Indians always appreciate it when white folks appropriate sacred rituals), pull out your gun and shoot him/her, and dump his/her body on the side of the road. For added effect, you could then drop an arrow near the body to persuade the FBI that another Indian did it (not the kind with the red rubber suction cups on the end—those don’t stick to anything and even the FBI might see through that one).
The best thing about killing on the reservation is the problem of jurisdiction. The federal government has so trivialized the authority of the tribal police that anything more than jaywalking tends to involve the FBI. And if you want to know how much American Indians like the FBI, send Leonard Peltier a letter c/o the Federal Prison in Lewisburg, PA.
And if all else fails, blame it on a cowboy.
American Indians. Native Americans. The folks we pretend to like on Thanksgiving and when we argue why we should be able to have Indian mascots for our sports teams.
Remember the good old days of the morality of Little House on the Prairie, the nice honest land-grabbing white folks stealing the land of the pagan savages: that spunky little Laura, the uptight Mary, the inconsequential Carrie, the rugged Pa, and the sanctimonious Ma? Based on the feedback I’ve received, it sounds like a lot of you grew up with Ma’s pithy wisdom, and want to know how such truths can be translated from prairie to present.
The question I get second most (the first is simply, can I kill Indians?), is does the Bible say anything about killing Indians?
MH: It’s a good question. The Bible says it is perfectly fine because there is no such thing as an Indian. If you look closely, God destroyed everyone on the planet about six thousand years ago, and the survivors are the sons of Ham, Shem, and Japeth, which account for the populations of Africa, Asia, and Europe. There were no survivors in the Americas, and since the last land bridge was at lease twelve thousand years ago, Indians cannot exist (neither are there any native animals, which is why killing buffalo and mountain lions is perfectly fine as well). Quod erat demonstrandum. It can’t be a sin if the target does not exist. Isn’t the Bible wonderful? This is the perfect murder since how can you be tried for murder if the person you kill never existed? Try that question out on the FBI.
Now I’ve heard folks like the Mormons and some deranged fundamentalists explain Indians as lost tribes or whatnot, but last I heard, the Ethiopian Jews claimed the lost tribe status and they’ve now been found.
Another concerned follower has asked, but isn’t killing redskins a hate crime?
MH: Well, if you refer to American Indians as “redskins,” “chief,” “Tonto,” it probably is. “Redskins” is actually a highly offensive term. The preferred term is native peoples, first peoples, American Indians, or their tribal identity (Dine, Pima, Iroquois, etc). But your question about hate crimes is important. We at “The Perfect Murder” strongly oppose all hate crimes. We seek a society where all are equal under the gun. That is why we urge our followers to get to know and understand their targets, be willing to apologize for oppression and centuries of genocide, to show compassion to the ones we kill. How can understanding and compassion be hate? If you hate Indians, don’t kill them, first walk a mile in their moccasins (then you can kill them, after you thank them for the use of their moccasins and the understanding the shoes gave you—but of course, most American Indians do not wear moccasins, so you might have to walk a mile in their Nikes).
So why did I choose to discuss Indians first? Well, I guess I’d have to say that white folks have been killing Indians for 500+ years and no one seems to care much about it. Lots of people don’t even realize there are any Indians left (see later post: The Best Target Is the One No One Realizes Is Even Alive). And so many are hidden off on reservations in the crappiest parts of America that no one much notices (I mean honestly, has anyone ever even been to either North or South Dakota?—and no, just stopping to take a picture of Mt. Rushmore doesn’t count).
The best place to kill an Indian is on a reservation, but not one of those casino reservations. Pick one of the reservations with trailers and junker cars, and about a thousand liquor stores, cigarette outlets, and evangelical churches just off the rez. Now, killing an Indian on a reservation is not any more difficult that killing the poor in the inner city; no one cares, no one notices, fish in a barrel. Reservation life spans are so short the Indian would probably die on his/her own before the bullet hit him or her anyway. Alcohol does its part as well (have you seen the crappy reservations we put these Indians on? I’d want to drink myself blind if I lived there too). And then there’s the damn white people bringing blankets infected with smallpox (oh wait, wrong century).
Find an Indian who knows his/her best chance is off the reservation and tell him/her that you’ll drive him/her off the rez and set him/her up with a decent job at a co-op in Seattle or Los Angeles. Before you leave the reservation, apologize for five hundred years of genocide by European and U.S. peoples, tell them about your wonderful experience in a sweat lodge (Indians always appreciate it when white folks appropriate sacred rituals), pull out your gun and shoot him/her, and dump his/her body on the side of the road. For added effect, you could then drop an arrow near the body to persuade the FBI that another Indian did it (not the kind with the red rubber suction cups on the end—those don’t stick to anything and even the FBI might see through that one).
The best thing about killing on the reservation is the problem of jurisdiction. The federal government has so trivialized the authority of the tribal police that anything more than jaywalking tends to involve the FBI. And if you want to know how much American Indians like the FBI, send Leonard Peltier a letter c/o the Federal Prison in Lewisburg, PA.
And if all else fails, blame it on a cowboy.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
VULCAN DEATH GRIP: HAS ANYONE HAD SUCCESS WITH THIS?
Call me Old-school.
There is only one Star Trek, and if you’re thinking it’s Next Generation, you and Wesley Krusher need to be launched into the black hole at the center of the Delta Quadrant.
Remember those good old days of childhood, when you first saw Spock do the Vulcan death grip? It was beautiful, a nice little one-handed pinch, really just the thumb and forefinger and middle finger, to that space between the shoulder and the neck: instant immobilization or, if done with slightly more pressure, death.
There was a kind of wonderful initiation process: first, you had to be able to make the “Live Long and Prosper” salute cleanly, without using your other hand to spread out your fingers. And then, only then, were you allowed to try the VDG. How many of you tried it out? I must have tried it on my sister more than a million times, trying to find that perfect spot and grip. I bet my mom would have really been pissed off if it ever worked. My friends and I tried it on each other, on the girls in our class, but alas, nothing.
So, if any of you have had success with this (preferably death, but if all you can do is induce a coma, we can at least use your technique as a starting point), and could provide a demonstration of how exactly it works—if you could do the VDG on someone and stream it on YouTube (who also does not approve of murder—unless it goes viral), we could link this up. I know quite a few in the nerd community who would finally be able to eliminate the popular people in a nerd-appropriate fashion (see also, The Perfect Murder: Swords and Spells).
NOTE: I have been contacted by a number of Silicon Valley folks who’ve promised billions for this information, if it exists, even funding for an IPO. The Perfect Murder will forward the information, and ask only a 20% finder’s fee.
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER?
NO WAY: KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER!!
There is only one Star Trek, and if you’re thinking it’s Next Generation, you and Wesley Krusher need to be launched into the black hole at the center of the Delta Quadrant.
Remember those good old days of childhood, when you first saw Spock do the Vulcan death grip? It was beautiful, a nice little one-handed pinch, really just the thumb and forefinger and middle finger, to that space between the shoulder and the neck: instant immobilization or, if done with slightly more pressure, death.
There was a kind of wonderful initiation process: first, you had to be able to make the “Live Long and Prosper” salute cleanly, without using your other hand to spread out your fingers. And then, only then, were you allowed to try the VDG. How many of you tried it out? I must have tried it on my sister more than a million times, trying to find that perfect spot and grip. I bet my mom would have really been pissed off if it ever worked. My friends and I tried it on each other, on the girls in our class, but alas, nothing.
So, if any of you have had success with this (preferably death, but if all you can do is induce a coma, we can at least use your technique as a starting point), and could provide a demonstration of how exactly it works—if you could do the VDG on someone and stream it on YouTube (who also does not approve of murder—unless it goes viral), we could link this up. I know quite a few in the nerd community who would finally be able to eliminate the popular people in a nerd-appropriate fashion (see also, The Perfect Murder: Swords and Spells).
NOTE: I have been contacted by a number of Silicon Valley folks who’ve promised billions for this information, if it exists, even funding for an IPO. The Perfect Murder will forward the information, and ask only a 20% finder’s fee.
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER?
NO WAY: KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER!!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: DON’T LET 8 YR OLDS SHOOT UZIS!!!!
Now, even the morons and imbeciles among you probably know not to let kids play with guns. But to my amazement, as I was reading the newspaper, I came across this story (see link below) about a gun show organizer (an ex-police chief no less) in Massachusetts who let kids of all ages fire Uzis—this was in Massachusetts, not Texas or Israel (of course, in Texas and Israel, 8 yr olds probably know how to fire Uzis well enough so as not to get hurt). And surprise, surprise, an 8 year old killed himself while firing an Uzi. DUH!
http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2010/08/ex-pelham_police_chief_edward.html
I think I need to create a new lowest IQ level for my The Perfect Murder Series: The Perfect Murder: For NRA (Never Reads Anything or Never Read Amendment 2).
For those of you gun-totin’ NRA members who think toddlers should be able to shoot Uzis, fire Stinger missiles, lob grenades or drive tanks, have you ever even bothered to read the Second Amendment--you're going to ruin the right for us murderers who only ask for a single handgun or rifle. Let me provide the full text for you (if you need a friend to read it to you, don’t be embarrassed to ask):
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Okay, I’ll break it down for you.
The first phrase—“A well regulated Militia” implies two things, that the “arms” are part of a REGULATED participation in a Militia--something akin to the National Guard (not one of those wacko groups out to overthrow the government), a group to protect the US from OUTSIDE forces.
The second phrase—“being necessary to the security of a free State” explains why the people should be permitted to keep and bear arms—for the security of a free State (this means country, not Texas, you idiots).
Okay, this is why the people are permitted arms—and it doesn’t say ANY arms. I don’t think Madison really thought we needed Uzis.
Now that I’ve read to you your most sacred text, don’t let your kids play with Uzis.
Back to the rest of my readership: Murdering is a sacred responsibility that we should not take lightly. We need to understand that the same weapons that so beautifully fit in our hands can be disastrous in the hands of our children. Make sure that your weapons are in a secure place, and as cute as it might be, don’t make a mobile for your boy’s crib out of handguns.
Remember: GUNS DON’T KILL, STUPID N.R.A. PARENTS DO.
http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2010/08/ex-pelham_police_chief_edward.html
I think I need to create a new lowest IQ level for my The Perfect Murder Series: The Perfect Murder: For NRA (Never Reads Anything or Never Read Amendment 2).
For those of you gun-totin’ NRA members who think toddlers should be able to shoot Uzis, fire Stinger missiles, lob grenades or drive tanks, have you ever even bothered to read the Second Amendment--you're going to ruin the right for us murderers who only ask for a single handgun or rifle. Let me provide the full text for you (if you need a friend to read it to you, don’t be embarrassed to ask):
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Okay, I’ll break it down for you.
The first phrase—“A well regulated Militia” implies two things, that the “arms” are part of a REGULATED participation in a Militia--something akin to the National Guard (not one of those wacko groups out to overthrow the government), a group to protect the US from OUTSIDE forces.
The second phrase—“being necessary to the security of a free State” explains why the people should be permitted to keep and bear arms—for the security of a free State (this means country, not Texas, you idiots).
Okay, this is why the people are permitted arms—and it doesn’t say ANY arms. I don’t think Madison really thought we needed Uzis.
Now that I’ve read to you your most sacred text, don’t let your kids play with Uzis.
Back to the rest of my readership: Murdering is a sacred responsibility that we should not take lightly. We need to understand that the same weapons that so beautifully fit in our hands can be disastrous in the hands of our children. Make sure that your weapons are in a secure place, and as cute as it might be, don’t make a mobile for your boy’s crib out of handguns.
Remember: GUNS DON’T KILL, STUPID N.R.A. PARENTS DO.
KILLING JEWS: WHAT WOULD MEL GIBSON DO?
Heinrich, a reader from New Berlin, PA, has sent in the following question: Last summer, after showing Mel Gibson’s The Passion of Christ at our church, my pastor told us Jesus wants us to kill Jews—is he right?
MH: Dear Heinrich in New Berlin, No. In fact, it turns out that Jesus himself was Jewish—and even more surprisingly, almost everyone is the Bible was a Jew! Can you believe that? We often think of this tendency to blame the Jews for everything as "European History" or "Henry Ford’s Other Big Idea."
But I understand the confusion; I’ve received similar letters from around the U.S. and Europe. (This is why I don’t think fundamentalist Christians should homeschool their kids: besides not teaching them science, they also don’t teach them how to read.) But anyway, I think your pastor and Mel Gibson (The Perfect Murder disavows any association with Mel Gibson) got it wrong on one critical point: God had been telling the Jews to kill people for the entire Old Testament, and when they didn’t, they would suffer plagues, tribulations, or exile. Killing Jesus was the one time the Jews actually listened to God—they are not to be punished for that, they’re probably going to heaven for it. (Although I’m not sure Jewish heaven and Christian heaven are the same place—I have a sense that Jewish heaven might be Christian hell and vice versa, or they might both share a tripartite afterlife arrangement with the Muslims, so who knows where anyone will end up. It makes me all the more glad I’m an atheist—although I guess that might mean I end up in three separate hells simultaneously.) So, if you think you are doing a favor to God by killing the Jews, I think you need to actually read your Bible (that means the Old Testament too).
Now, if we can separate the theology from the act of murder itself, we have a different question. If the person you kill happens to be Jewish, you must realize that you still might be labeled anti-Semitic (VOCABULARY-BOOSTING ASIDE: killing Arabs would also make you anti-Semitic, since they’re Semitic peoples too, but no one seems to care about them) or worse, a Neo-Nazi, in which case your murder will definitely be tried as a hate crime. Personally, I would hate to be thought of as a Neo-Nazi, so I would always ask the person I was about to kill if s/he were Jewish, disabled, LGBT, or some other group so as not to be seen as an intolerant murderer.
But that’s just me.
MH: Dear Heinrich in New Berlin, No. In fact, it turns out that Jesus himself was Jewish—and even more surprisingly, almost everyone is the Bible was a Jew! Can you believe that? We often think of this tendency to blame the Jews for everything as "European History" or "Henry Ford’s Other Big Idea."
But I understand the confusion; I’ve received similar letters from around the U.S. and Europe. (This is why I don’t think fundamentalist Christians should homeschool their kids: besides not teaching them science, they also don’t teach them how to read.) But anyway, I think your pastor and Mel Gibson (The Perfect Murder disavows any association with Mel Gibson) got it wrong on one critical point: God had been telling the Jews to kill people for the entire Old Testament, and when they didn’t, they would suffer plagues, tribulations, or exile. Killing Jesus was the one time the Jews actually listened to God—they are not to be punished for that, they’re probably going to heaven for it. (Although I’m not sure Jewish heaven and Christian heaven are the same place—I have a sense that Jewish heaven might be Christian hell and vice versa, or they might both share a tripartite afterlife arrangement with the Muslims, so who knows where anyone will end up. It makes me all the more glad I’m an atheist—although I guess that might mean I end up in three separate hells simultaneously.) So, if you think you are doing a favor to God by killing the Jews, I think you need to actually read your Bible (that means the Old Testament too).
Now, if we can separate the theology from the act of murder itself, we have a different question. If the person you kill happens to be Jewish, you must realize that you still might be labeled anti-Semitic (VOCABULARY-BOOSTING ASIDE: killing Arabs would also make you anti-Semitic, since they’re Semitic peoples too, but no one seems to care about them) or worse, a Neo-Nazi, in which case your murder will definitely be tried as a hate crime. Personally, I would hate to be thought of as a Neo-Nazi, so I would always ask the person I was about to kill if s/he were Jewish, disabled, LGBT, or some other group so as not to be seen as an intolerant murderer.
But that’s just me.
Friday, August 20, 2010
KILLING THE BUDDHA ON THE ROAD
“If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” Ancient Buddhist koan.
A young Buddhist reader from West Covina, CA has asked, “is it really okay to kill the Buddha?”
MH: The key to this riddle is the prepositional phrase “on the road.” Most Buddhas hang out in museums, topiary gardens, and bad Chinese restaurants. I’ve never actually seen one on the road. Furthermore, this koan dates from a time before Get-A-Rounds (the parent company of which does not agree with the views represented on this site), those wonderful carts that seem so popular with the WalMart crowd (WalMart also disavows any association with this site). Face it, Buddha’s a pretty fat guy, even by today’s more expansive standards—if you see Buddha walking down the road, it’s not Buddha, it’s an imposter, the AntiBuddha, so of course the Buddhists want you to kill him.
And Christians, the same goes for you: If you see Christ walking down the road, you can kill him ‘cause he’s probably the AntiChrist. WARNING: If you see Jesus walking down the road, don’t kill him, ‘cause he’s probably just Latino.
A young Buddhist reader from West Covina, CA has asked, “is it really okay to kill the Buddha?”
MH: The key to this riddle is the prepositional phrase “on the road.” Most Buddhas hang out in museums, topiary gardens, and bad Chinese restaurants. I’ve never actually seen one on the road. Furthermore, this koan dates from a time before Get-A-Rounds (the parent company of which does not agree with the views represented on this site), those wonderful carts that seem so popular with the WalMart crowd (WalMart also disavows any association with this site). Face it, Buddha’s a pretty fat guy, even by today’s more expansive standards—if you see Buddha walking down the road, it’s not Buddha, it’s an imposter, the AntiBuddha, so of course the Buddhists want you to kill him.
And Christians, the same goes for you: If you see Christ walking down the road, you can kill him ‘cause he’s probably the AntiChrist. WARNING: If you see Jesus walking down the road, don’t kill him, ‘cause he’s probably just Latino.
SELF/OTHER-IMMOLATION
A young Buddhist has sent in the following question, but requested that her location be private lest Blackberry start blocking access in her country too:
In my studies, I have learned of many noble monks who have self-immolated, usually as a form of protest. Is there such a thing as “other-immolation”? I could see that as an effective protest too. Humbly yours, Anonymous.
MH: Dear Anonymous, you have posed a very tricky question, one that honors your studies. For you see, when you see an Other, whom do you really see? The part of the Other that makes you want to kill it is that part of yourself that you wish to kill. Immolating an Other is really immolating yourself. The Self and Other are parts of the same whole, Yin and Yang if you wish. This is an ancient koan, the riddle that can’t be answered, it is why there is no other-immolation, no matter whom you immolate, it is always self-immolation.
In my studies, I have learned of many noble monks who have self-immolated, usually as a form of protest. Is there such a thing as “other-immolation”? I could see that as an effective protest too. Humbly yours, Anonymous.
MH: Dear Anonymous, you have posed a very tricky question, one that honors your studies. For you see, when you see an Other, whom do you really see? The part of the Other that makes you want to kill it is that part of yourself that you wish to kill. Immolating an Other is really immolating yourself. The Self and Other are parts of the same whole, Yin and Yang if you wish. This is an ancient koan, the riddle that can’t be answered, it is why there is no other-immolation, no matter whom you immolate, it is always self-immolation.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
PORTABLE GUILLOTINES!!!
Wow, I had only heard rumors that these were in production, then one of my sources told me that the focus groups were summarily unimpressed. I was sure the technology would be lost. But it looks like our dear friends at Ginsu decided that there just might be a market!
Late last night, really it was early early morning, after watching a Vincent Price movie marathon (The Fly, House of Wax, and House on Haunted Hill—tonight they’re showing his Edgar Allan Poe flicks!), there was an infomercial for Portable Guillotines! Not some crappy vacuum cleaner, exercise contraption, Do-It-Yourself Colonoscopy Kit, or best-selling book that tells you not to believe doctors, No! Real Portable Guillotines! (Ginsu Inc does not support the philosophy of this site, nor does it intend its guillotines to behead—they are for entertainment purposes only.)
Instead of the bulky guillotines of the past, where you would have to drag the aristocrats to the guillotine, now you can bring it to them. At just under two feet by two feet (22"x20"), this guillotine can be carried anywhere—it even fits in the overhead bin of most airplanes.
Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, how could something that small lop off a head? Great question! Instead of those massisve, gravity powered blades of yore, the Portable Guillotine has a lightweight, stainless steel blade that is spring-loaded. (Admittedly, the guillotines of the past had gravitas–you could see if from afar, and the closer you got to it, the more you could feel its presence, the more you could imagine the blade against the back of your neck.) And it comes with Ginsu’s patented serrated blade, so not only can you cut off a head, you can cut tomatoes, roofing nails, or aluminum cans! And it never needs sharpening. The only thing you’ll ever have to do is wipe off the blood—and according to the infomercial, if you order with a MasterCard (who also does not approve of this site), you’ll get a special chamois that cleans blood right up--in one swipe. And if you would have ordered last night, they said you could get two guillotines for the price of one. (I’m not sure why anyone needs a second guillotine, unless you’re looking for the perfect wedding present.) Oh yeah, and they’re only charging $49.99 plus shipping and handling.
You might be thinking I’m getting a kickback, but no. I don’t have ads on my site, and while I might think some products are excellent, I would never contaminate murder with commercial gain.
As great as these guillotines are, however, I am unsure how they fit within the murdering community. I know you are thinking, well, put it over someone’s head and release the lever. Voilá. Alas, it is not that simple. I think you’d have a better chance with a normal Ginsu knife than with the guillotine. I can’t figure out how to place the guillotine over the target’s head without him/her becoming aware of it. And if you think, well, what if s/he is sleeping? That too seems problematic, since every way I can imagine applying it would wake the target before the guillotine was attached. And if you are considering drugging your target first, I must adamantly discourage you. We at The Perfect Murder do not support drugging individuals (except yourself, of course), in that it shows a certain degree of disrespect for your target and the fine art of murder.
So for now, I cannot recommend this as a murder tool, but it sure looks fun. If any of you can work out a practical way to use this for murder, please post a comment and we’ll share your insights with the group.
Late last night, really it was early early morning, after watching a Vincent Price movie marathon (The Fly, House of Wax, and House on Haunted Hill—tonight they’re showing his Edgar Allan Poe flicks!), there was an infomercial for Portable Guillotines! Not some crappy vacuum cleaner, exercise contraption, Do-It-Yourself Colonoscopy Kit, or best-selling book that tells you not to believe doctors, No! Real Portable Guillotines! (Ginsu Inc does not support the philosophy of this site, nor does it intend its guillotines to behead—they are for entertainment purposes only.)
Instead of the bulky guillotines of the past, where you would have to drag the aristocrats to the guillotine, now you can bring it to them. At just under two feet by two feet (22"x20"), this guillotine can be carried anywhere—it even fits in the overhead bin of most airplanes.
Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, how could something that small lop off a head? Great question! Instead of those massisve, gravity powered blades of yore, the Portable Guillotine has a lightweight, stainless steel blade that is spring-loaded. (Admittedly, the guillotines of the past had gravitas–you could see if from afar, and the closer you got to it, the more you could feel its presence, the more you could imagine the blade against the back of your neck.) And it comes with Ginsu’s patented serrated blade, so not only can you cut off a head, you can cut tomatoes, roofing nails, or aluminum cans! And it never needs sharpening. The only thing you’ll ever have to do is wipe off the blood—and according to the infomercial, if you order with a MasterCard (who also does not approve of this site), you’ll get a special chamois that cleans blood right up--in one swipe. And if you would have ordered last night, they said you could get two guillotines for the price of one. (I’m not sure why anyone needs a second guillotine, unless you’re looking for the perfect wedding present.) Oh yeah, and they’re only charging $49.99 plus shipping and handling.
You might be thinking I’m getting a kickback, but no. I don’t have ads on my site, and while I might think some products are excellent, I would never contaminate murder with commercial gain.
As great as these guillotines are, however, I am unsure how they fit within the murdering community. I know you are thinking, well, put it over someone’s head and release the lever. Voilá. Alas, it is not that simple. I think you’d have a better chance with a normal Ginsu knife than with the guillotine. I can’t figure out how to place the guillotine over the target’s head without him/her becoming aware of it. And if you think, well, what if s/he is sleeping? That too seems problematic, since every way I can imagine applying it would wake the target before the guillotine was attached. And if you are considering drugging your target first, I must adamantly discourage you. We at The Perfect Murder do not support drugging individuals (except yourself, of course), in that it shows a certain degree of disrespect for your target and the fine art of murder.
So for now, I cannot recommend this as a murder tool, but it sure looks fun. If any of you can work out a practical way to use this for murder, please post a comment and we’ll share your insights with the group.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
WWOJD?
For those of you who watch Jeopardy (which disavows any connection with this site), should the answer “O. J. Simpson” ever come up in the category GIVEN NAMES, the question is, What (or Who) is Orenthal James? No wonder he was so fast and good at evading tackles, with a name like that, he must have been chased around the schoolyard more than once. There's probably an anti-bully lesson in here too, but that's not my area of expertise.
But back to the question. For those of you who missed the 1990s, O. J. would . . . kill the two of them with utter disregard for style, decorum, or perfection. In fact, these murders epitomize shoddy killing. Nonetheless, there are some very good lessons on the back end to be learned.
1. Hire all the best lawyers in your metropolitan area so that no one remotely competent can help prosecute you.
2. Place your murder weapon and bloody clothes in a duffle bag and then tell your lawyers to place it in a safe deposit box (NOTE: do not tell your lawyers what is really in the bag; tell them it’s full of letters and mementos for your kids should anything happen to you).
3. Make sure that someone on your defense team can rhyme. It turns out juries, especially in California, are partial to rhyming couplets. I would suggest, in fact, that you consider hiring a poet for this job—it turns out they write and publish and write and publish and do it all for nuthin’. I bet you could find a REAL POET who would write your opening statements and your closing arguments in iambic pentameter for less than your lawyer pays his/her paralegal or secretary.
4. Get a friend to drive you around on freeways in a white SUV for a few hours. Nothing generates public support like a slow chase interrupting a NBA final.
5. Don’t worry about DNA, bloody gloves, or shoe prints. It turns out that evidence does not matter if you have money to hire a good team of lawyers.
Unfortunately for most of us, we don’t have such luxuries, so we have to worry about being perfect.
Oh, and if you do get away with murder, don’t fall into the moron category by getting busted for breaking into a hotel room with a gun. If O. J. taught us anything, it’s kill ‘em all—don’t leave any witnesses. I think had he remembered that the second time round and killed everyone in the hotel, he’d still be playing golf in Florida.
On a vaguely related note, if you do execute a good kill, make sure you pay your taxes faithfully and fully. What the case of Al Capone has taught is that the government of the people, by the people, and for the people is most aggressive in prosecuting those who cheat the government instead of those who merely kill the people.
*Note to my lower income and middle class readers: Don’t buy the print copy of “The Perfect Murder: For Rich Bastards”—it’s essentially the same as “The Perfect Murder: For Imbeciles” except that it includes one line that the Imbecile version doesn’t have, “Hire all the best lawyers in your area,” and it costs $250. I’m trying to soak the rich, but so far I’ve only sold a few (and no, I am not at liberty to tell you who bought them, but I can say they did not go to jail, despite the overwhelming evidence against them—I should have charged them more).
But back to the question. For those of you who missed the 1990s, O. J. would . . . kill the two of them with utter disregard for style, decorum, or perfection. In fact, these murders epitomize shoddy killing. Nonetheless, there are some very good lessons on the back end to be learned.
1. Hire all the best lawyers in your metropolitan area so that no one remotely competent can help prosecute you.
2. Place your murder weapon and bloody clothes in a duffle bag and then tell your lawyers to place it in a safe deposit box (NOTE: do not tell your lawyers what is really in the bag; tell them it’s full of letters and mementos for your kids should anything happen to you).
3. Make sure that someone on your defense team can rhyme. It turns out juries, especially in California, are partial to rhyming couplets. I would suggest, in fact, that you consider hiring a poet for this job—it turns out they write and publish and write and publish and do it all for nuthin’. I bet you could find a REAL POET who would write your opening statements and your closing arguments in iambic pentameter for less than your lawyer pays his/her paralegal or secretary.
4. Get a friend to drive you around on freeways in a white SUV for a few hours. Nothing generates public support like a slow chase interrupting a NBA final.
5. Don’t worry about DNA, bloody gloves, or shoe prints. It turns out that evidence does not matter if you have money to hire a good team of lawyers.
Unfortunately for most of us, we don’t have such luxuries, so we have to worry about being perfect.
Oh, and if you do get away with murder, don’t fall into the moron category by getting busted for breaking into a hotel room with a gun. If O. J. taught us anything, it’s kill ‘em all—don’t leave any witnesses. I think had he remembered that the second time round and killed everyone in the hotel, he’d still be playing golf in Florida.
On a vaguely related note, if you do execute a good kill, make sure you pay your taxes faithfully and fully. What the case of Al Capone has taught is that the government of the people, by the people, and for the people is most aggressive in prosecuting those who cheat the government instead of those who merely kill the people.
*Note to my lower income and middle class readers: Don’t buy the print copy of “The Perfect Murder: For Rich Bastards”—it’s essentially the same as “The Perfect Murder: For Imbeciles” except that it includes one line that the Imbecile version doesn’t have, “Hire all the best lawyers in your area,” and it costs $250. I’m trying to soak the rich, but so far I’ve only sold a few (and no, I am not at liberty to tell you who bought them, but I can say they did not go to jail, despite the overwhelming evidence against them—I should have charged them more).
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
GREAT WEAPONS ON THE SCREEN, BAD WEAPONS IN THE HAND
Cane gun/cane knife: I must say fewer weapons look cooler than the cane gun or knife when used in movies. I mourn the loss of such sophisticated deaths, but alas, ours is a modern time, bereft of the niceties of combat. The real problem here is that no one uses a cane anymore—the very act of carrying one will alert your target. Everyone has those goddamn walkers or Jazz-E’s. No wonder our whole country is obese if we can’t even make the disabled walk on their own three feet. Now, if you were to make a walker gun or walker knife . . . no, bad idea. That would look so stupid that even if you succeeded with the murder, you would hate yourself for such an ugly kill.
Umbrella gun/umbrella knife: this has most of the aesthetic qualities of the cane, but the tendency for the killer or the target to start singing Mary Poppins songs can be unnerving. That aside, umbrella weapons suffer from one great weakness, which is that they are often switched with regular umbrellas. The last thing you want is to inform someone that s/he is going to die, and then open your umbrella. If you’re lucky, they’ll die laughing, if not, you’ll die of embarrassment. Or, you’ll be out for a walk when it starts raining, and you’ll try to open your umbrella, only to find that you’re shooting at clouds.
Garrote©: How often have you seen someone sneak up behind an unsuspecting sap, pull the Garrote© around his/her neck, and then silently, the target slumps to the ground? This would appear to be the favorite means of assassination by spies, especially European spies. However, my research indicates that not to be the case. In fact, there is only one place left from which you can buy Garrotes©, and that is a vendor at a bazaar in Tangiers. (WARNING: there are some knockoffs from China that claim to be official Garrotes©, but they tend to snap, and what assassin wants a crappy, unreliable weapon.) If you can make it to Tangiers, then by all means I recommend a Garrote©, but you’ll also need to pick up some unfiltered cigarettes and a black beret. P.S. Simply using a wire, tie, or other strangling device does not count. If you want to Garrote© someone, you have to use a Garrote©.
Exotic poisons: Mushrooms, frogs, and fugu always seem so perfect when Agatha Christie or Masterpiece Theatre utilizes them, but how do the villains come by them. I’ve read all the books on mushrooms and toadstools, but as best I can tell, no one can really tell the difference. And the last thing I would think you want to do is give your target a savory dish that doesn’t kill him/her. As for poison frogs, guess what. The poison dart frogs at the local museum or herpetarium are not poisonous? What they don’t bother to tell you is that unless the frogs are raised on toxic insects from their home environments, the frog is perfectly harmless (and who would want to pay to see a non-toxic poison dart frog?). Furthermore, you will also need to master the blow/dart gun (use a practice dart first, because most novices inhale before they blow, and who wants to inhale a poisoned dart?). And if you wish to poison someone with fugu (blowfish), you must insist on wild caught—the farm raised fish have not eaten the necessary toxins that make fugu so appealing. Unless it is caught wild, it’s simply another fish in the tank. Thus, before you go out to poison someone with poison frogs or fugu, you have to go to Central America or the China Sea and catch a frog or fish. So basically, exotic poisons tend to make great plot devices, but I wouldn’t waste the effort. There are so many easier ways to kill. Leave the exotics to killers with limitless expense accounts and way too much time.
More on other exotic miscues will be forthcoming in later posts. Feel free to ask if I don’t discuss your favorites.
Umbrella gun/umbrella knife: this has most of the aesthetic qualities of the cane, but the tendency for the killer or the target to start singing Mary Poppins songs can be unnerving. That aside, umbrella weapons suffer from one great weakness, which is that they are often switched with regular umbrellas. The last thing you want is to inform someone that s/he is going to die, and then open your umbrella. If you’re lucky, they’ll die laughing, if not, you’ll die of embarrassment. Or, you’ll be out for a walk when it starts raining, and you’ll try to open your umbrella, only to find that you’re shooting at clouds.
Garrote©: How often have you seen someone sneak up behind an unsuspecting sap, pull the Garrote© around his/her neck, and then silently, the target slumps to the ground? This would appear to be the favorite means of assassination by spies, especially European spies. However, my research indicates that not to be the case. In fact, there is only one place left from which you can buy Garrotes©, and that is a vendor at a bazaar in Tangiers. (WARNING: there are some knockoffs from China that claim to be official Garrotes©, but they tend to snap, and what assassin wants a crappy, unreliable weapon.) If you can make it to Tangiers, then by all means I recommend a Garrote©, but you’ll also need to pick up some unfiltered cigarettes and a black beret. P.S. Simply using a wire, tie, or other strangling device does not count. If you want to Garrote© someone, you have to use a Garrote©.
Exotic poisons: Mushrooms, frogs, and fugu always seem so perfect when Agatha Christie or Masterpiece Theatre utilizes them, but how do the villains come by them. I’ve read all the books on mushrooms and toadstools, but as best I can tell, no one can really tell the difference. And the last thing I would think you want to do is give your target a savory dish that doesn’t kill him/her. As for poison frogs, guess what. The poison dart frogs at the local museum or herpetarium are not poisonous? What they don’t bother to tell you is that unless the frogs are raised on toxic insects from their home environments, the frog is perfectly harmless (and who would want to pay to see a non-toxic poison dart frog?). Furthermore, you will also need to master the blow/dart gun (use a practice dart first, because most novices inhale before they blow, and who wants to inhale a poisoned dart?). And if you wish to poison someone with fugu (blowfish), you must insist on wild caught—the farm raised fish have not eaten the necessary toxins that make fugu so appealing. Unless it is caught wild, it’s simply another fish in the tank. Thus, before you go out to poison someone with poison frogs or fugu, you have to go to Central America or the China Sea and catch a frog or fish. So basically, exotic poisons tend to make great plot devices, but I wouldn’t waste the effort. There are so many easier ways to kill. Leave the exotics to killers with limitless expense accounts and way too much time.
More on other exotic miscues will be forthcoming in later posts. Feel free to ask if I don’t discuss your favorites.
Monday, August 16, 2010
STRANGERS ON A TRAIN
(The difficulties mentioned below are equally true for Strangers on a Plane, Strangers on a Bus, and Strangers on a Park Bench.)
Individuals routinely contact me excitedly about the Strangers on a Train stratagem, mistakenly believing that it is not cliché, flawed, or detectable. Thus, I feel compelled to address this, if for no other reason than to debunk it.
Why this is a stupid idea and not even included The Perfect Murder: for Imbeciles:
To begin with, this plot device is taken from the title of a film, Strangers on a Train, by Alfred Hitchcock. Hitchcock created this black and white film as a psychological thriller and released it in 1951. (If you've not seen it already, go out and see it. It's a superb film, but don't equate that with it being a great training film--unless you're a film student.) Since then, it seems, everyone thinks Strangers on a Train is the perfect murder, assuming I guess, that the police have not also seen it. By now, it’s been remade and refashioned so many times that even the densest cop has heard of the idea (Throw Mama from the Train inevitably enlightened many of the dimmer bulbs to this strategy). If you are going to base a murder on a film, pick a French movie from the 60s. No one has seen them, and even if they had, they’d have no idea what they’d seen.
The Strangers on a Train ploy depends on the truth of one unspoken idea: enough people want someone dead badly enough that whenever you sit down, you have at least a 75% chance of meeting one. Do seventy-five percent of us actually want to kill someone? If the following of this blog is any indication, then that just might be true. (Of course, the corollary to this theorem would be that there is then a great likelihood that the majority of us are on someone else’s hit list.)
Now, if your partner does agree with your plan (and not rat you out to the cops), you are faced with having a partner who is either a potential liar or a potential murderer. Let me explain. If s/he actually kills your desired target, you are trusting a murderer with your freedom. If s/he doesn’t, then you are trusting a liar with your freedom. If your partner is a liar, then s/he chose not to kill either out of guilt, fear, or cowardice, in whichever case the odds of his/her confessing are greatly increased. If you partner is intentionally lying, then you are being set up and will definitely go to jail.
The way to get around its weakness is to set the scenario up, let your partner kill the one you want dead (make sure you have a good but not too blatant alibi), and then kill your partner. Oh yeah, and take the gun that he used to kill your desired target and recycle it (see Killing Green). Make sure you don’t kill the person he wanted dead--if s/he wanted that person dead that much, the target probably wanted him/her dead too, making the target a perfect patsy. Now, as long as no one makes a successful movie out of this ploy, we should be able to use it for quite some time.
Individuals routinely contact me excitedly about the Strangers on a Train stratagem, mistakenly believing that it is not cliché, flawed, or detectable. Thus, I feel compelled to address this, if for no other reason than to debunk it.
Why this is a stupid idea and not even included The Perfect Murder: for Imbeciles:
To begin with, this plot device is taken from the title of a film, Strangers on a Train, by Alfred Hitchcock. Hitchcock created this black and white film as a psychological thriller and released it in 1951. (If you've not seen it already, go out and see it. It's a superb film, but don't equate that with it being a great training film--unless you're a film student.) Since then, it seems, everyone thinks Strangers on a Train is the perfect murder, assuming I guess, that the police have not also seen it. By now, it’s been remade and refashioned so many times that even the densest cop has heard of the idea (Throw Mama from the Train inevitably enlightened many of the dimmer bulbs to this strategy). If you are going to base a murder on a film, pick a French movie from the 60s. No one has seen them, and even if they had, they’d have no idea what they’d seen.
The Strangers on a Train ploy depends on the truth of one unspoken idea: enough people want someone dead badly enough that whenever you sit down, you have at least a 75% chance of meeting one. Do seventy-five percent of us actually want to kill someone? If the following of this blog is any indication, then that just might be true. (Of course, the corollary to this theorem would be that there is then a great likelihood that the majority of us are on someone else’s hit list.)
Now, if your partner does agree with your plan (and not rat you out to the cops), you are faced with having a partner who is either a potential liar or a potential murderer. Let me explain. If s/he actually kills your desired target, you are trusting a murderer with your freedom. If s/he doesn’t, then you are trusting a liar with your freedom. If your partner is a liar, then s/he chose not to kill either out of guilt, fear, or cowardice, in whichever case the odds of his/her confessing are greatly increased. If you partner is intentionally lying, then you are being set up and will definitely go to jail.
The way to get around its weakness is to set the scenario up, let your partner kill the one you want dead (make sure you have a good but not too blatant alibi), and then kill your partner. Oh yeah, and take the gun that he used to kill your desired target and recycle it (see Killing Green). Make sure you don’t kill the person he wanted dead--if s/he wanted that person dead that much, the target probably wanted him/her dead too, making the target a perfect patsy. Now, as long as no one makes a successful movie out of this ploy, we should be able to use it for quite some time.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
DON’T BE A LOCAVORE
Kids these days don’t know the value of hard work. They think all they gotta do is sit on their couch, point their gun out the window, and bang, a perfect murder. They don’t even bother to get up and make sure there’s anyone outside (about the only place this could even remotely work is one of those overpopulated metropoli like Mumbai, Tokyo, or Mexico City). Damn kids. At least in the 1980s, kids would drive around and shoot people out of their car windows.
If you want to commit the perfect murder, you have to do a little work, even plan. Think about it this way: if you are not willing to put in more work than the detective assigned to the case, then you run the risk of being caught.
So what does the locavore prohibition mean: cops tend not to travel very far from their favorite doughnut (and yes, dummies, this is how you spell doughnut) shop. You can generally assume a two doughnut and one coffee radius for the distance a cop will go (that’s how far s/he can drive before s/he has finished his/her doughnuts and coffee). Make sure your target is outside that radius. An added advantage is that if your target is in another police jurisdiction, the police will have to work extra hard to find you. And what God-fearing American wants to do any more work than is Constitutionally required?
The locavore prohibition also keeps you kosher with Christ—don’t kill your neighbors (See earlier post, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?).
I know that many of you are environmentally conscious and are worried about adding more greenhouse gases to an already polluted world. I share your concerns and have spent many hours working up some possible solutions:
1. Carpool: if you place a flyer at your office for someone who is driving to the town of your intended target, you could get a ride. Similarly, if you and a friend both have targets in the same area, you could make it in one trip.
2. Combine errands: instead of making your murder trips the only destination, stop by the grocery store, drop the kids off at piano lessons, volunteer for Special Olympics.
3. Ride a bike: the distance to most murders can be managed on a bike. Make sure that your bike is in good working order, and pack your gun in a small back pack. However, when biking, make sure you wear cycling shorts—you don’t want a bad chafe to ruin a good kill.
4. Public transportation: in many areas, you should be able to find a bus, train, or subway to get you to and from your kill. If only more killers took advantage of public transportation, the air would be cleaner and the roads less congested.
5. Drive a hybrid or electric car: if you have to drive, don’t drive a gas hog like a big truck or SUV. Take your most fuel efficient vehicle. The earth will thank you.
These are just a few ideas on how to make your kills more earth-friendly. If you have discovered other ideas that could benefit both the killing community and the earth, please post them here. If all murderers would work together, the world would be a much better place. Thank you.
If you want to commit the perfect murder, you have to do a little work, even plan. Think about it this way: if you are not willing to put in more work than the detective assigned to the case, then you run the risk of being caught.
So what does the locavore prohibition mean: cops tend not to travel very far from their favorite doughnut (and yes, dummies, this is how you spell doughnut) shop. You can generally assume a two doughnut and one coffee radius for the distance a cop will go (that’s how far s/he can drive before s/he has finished his/her doughnuts and coffee). Make sure your target is outside that radius. An added advantage is that if your target is in another police jurisdiction, the police will have to work extra hard to find you. And what God-fearing American wants to do any more work than is Constitutionally required?
The locavore prohibition also keeps you kosher with Christ—don’t kill your neighbors (See earlier post, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?).
I know that many of you are environmentally conscious and are worried about adding more greenhouse gases to an already polluted world. I share your concerns and have spent many hours working up some possible solutions:
1. Carpool: if you place a flyer at your office for someone who is driving to the town of your intended target, you could get a ride. Similarly, if you and a friend both have targets in the same area, you could make it in one trip.
2. Combine errands: instead of making your murder trips the only destination, stop by the grocery store, drop the kids off at piano lessons, volunteer for Special Olympics.
3. Ride a bike: the distance to most murders can be managed on a bike. Make sure that your bike is in good working order, and pack your gun in a small back pack. However, when biking, make sure you wear cycling shorts—you don’t want a bad chafe to ruin a good kill.
4. Public transportation: in many areas, you should be able to find a bus, train, or subway to get you to and from your kill. If only more killers took advantage of public transportation, the air would be cleaner and the roads less congested.
5. Drive a hybrid or electric car: if you have to drive, don’t drive a gas hog like a big truck or SUV. Take your most fuel efficient vehicle. The earth will thank you.
These are just a few ideas on how to make your kills more earth-friendly. If you have discovered other ideas that could benefit both the killing community and the earth, please post them here. If all murderers would work together, the world would be a much better place. Thank you.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
ACTS OF GOD: UNRELIABLE
God never kills the people you want him to. (Unless of course you have a standing request against the world’s poor). The truth of the matter is, God mostly just kills poor people. Seems like the good old days when God might take the time to kill a single person are over. Now, it’s like he’s just too bored with the process to pick someone out. Most days, he stays in bed, and then, to make up for the days he’s missed, wham, a tsunami or earthquake. His quota is met.
And it’s always the poor in foreign contries. A thousand people died in Katrina (notice how God picks out the poor, even in America) and we think it’s so bad. But when God goes to the Caribbean or Asia or Africa to kill, it’s tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands.
What does this mean? It means God hates poor people, although I guess you could argue that it means he loves them so much he wants them in heaven sooner (the dead baby theory). Usually though, the folks who think God loves the poor are citing the Beatitudes, those nice stories from the Sermon on the Mount, but those folks forget that Christ did not say, "Blessed are the poor," he said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit," which means, I suppose, the dejected, the despondent, the depressed, or those who simply have bad attitudes.
It also means, if you want someone killed (other that the world’s poor), you’re going to have to do it yourself.
And it’s always the poor in foreign contries. A thousand people died in Katrina (notice how God picks out the poor, even in America) and we think it’s so bad. But when God goes to the Caribbean or Asia or Africa to kill, it’s tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands.
What does this mean? It means God hates poor people, although I guess you could argue that it means he loves them so much he wants them in heaven sooner (the dead baby theory). Usually though, the folks who think God loves the poor are citing the Beatitudes, those nice stories from the Sermon on the Mount, but those folks forget that Christ did not say, "Blessed are the poor," he said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit," which means, I suppose, the dejected, the despondent, the depressed, or those who simply have bad attitudes.
It also means, if you want someone killed (other that the world’s poor), you’re going to have to do it yourself.
KILLING THE POOR: IS IT WORTH THE BULLET?
This question was sent to me by an anonymous reader in Beverly Hills: if I have a chance to run over a homeless man with my Bentley, is that still a Righteous Kill?
MH: Dear Mr. Righteous Rich, No. You need to show him some compassion. Buy him a sandwich and a 40 ouncer, and then take him for a cruise in your Bentley up Mulholland Drive, preferably with the top down. Then, look him in the eyes, and say, “It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr X. I appreciated hearing your story, and now I will kill you with dignity.” Shoot him cleanly, and dump his body off one of the many cliffs along Mulholland. No one will ever even notice he’s gone, assuming anyone even noticed he was ever there (See future post: The Best Targets Are Those No One Knows Are Alive Or Cares Are Alive).
What Righteous Rich does not realize, however, is how unnecessary killing the poor is. I mean sure, it’s easy. No one in our society cares if they die. The families of the poor can’t hire high-priced lawyers or advocates to fight for their loved ones. Celebrities don’t do benefits for the poor victims. Poor kids don’t appear on Amber alerts, especially if they’re poor AND black or latino.
But even still, why waste your time killing the poor when society is already doing it for you. With such pitiful access to housing and even worse access to health care, any number of diseases will kill them off, especially diseases related to diet which appear disproportionately among the poor, such as diabetes and heart disease. Or cancers—if you can’t afford screenings, too bad. And then there are environmental factors such as where companies get to dumb their toxic waste. My God! And speaking of God, if all these other factors don’t kill the poor, God sends some tornado or hurricane through to take out the rest. Don’t waste your bullets on the poor, society and God are already doing a Bang-Up job.
MH: Dear Mr. Righteous Rich, No. You need to show him some compassion. Buy him a sandwich and a 40 ouncer, and then take him for a cruise in your Bentley up Mulholland Drive, preferably with the top down. Then, look him in the eyes, and say, “It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr X. I appreciated hearing your story, and now I will kill you with dignity.” Shoot him cleanly, and dump his body off one of the many cliffs along Mulholland. No one will ever even notice he’s gone, assuming anyone even noticed he was ever there (See future post: The Best Targets Are Those No One Knows Are Alive Or Cares Are Alive).
What Righteous Rich does not realize, however, is how unnecessary killing the poor is. I mean sure, it’s easy. No one in our society cares if they die. The families of the poor can’t hire high-priced lawyers or advocates to fight for their loved ones. Celebrities don’t do benefits for the poor victims. Poor kids don’t appear on Amber alerts, especially if they’re poor AND black or latino.
But even still, why waste your time killing the poor when society is already doing it for you. With such pitiful access to housing and even worse access to health care, any number of diseases will kill them off, especially diseases related to diet which appear disproportionately among the poor, such as diabetes and heart disease. Or cancers—if you can’t afford screenings, too bad. And then there are environmental factors such as where companies get to dumb their toxic waste. My God! And speaking of God, if all these other factors don’t kill the poor, God sends some tornado or hurricane through to take out the rest. Don’t waste your bullets on the poor, society and God are already doing a Bang-Up job.
Friday, August 13, 2010
MURDERER’S DECORUM
Unfortunately, there are a few bad apples out there who give all murderers a bad name. Murdering has a fine tradition of elegant and sophisticated kills. Too often, murderers these days simply go for the jugular, so to speak. We need to reaffirm our commitment to the righteous kill, the beautiful death. And to that end, I have codified some rules that will help return murder to its more nobler and respected tradition.
Remember, when you kill, you represent all of us, not just yourself; you are part of a larger community. We are not just a bunch of bloodthirsty folks shooting willy-nilly into the crowd. We are better than that, and so, before you step out to kill, please familiarize yourself with these rules of the rod, ha ha (No, not even murderologists can pass up the opportunity at a bad pun).
1. Give your target the same respect you would want someone to give your grandmother (unless of course, your target IS your grandmother, in which case give him/her the respect of someone you really care about).
2. When possible, don’t kill from behind. Face your target, introduce yourself if they don’t already know you, and say, “Sir/Madam, it is my pleasure to kill you. I intend to make this as painless as possible, and if you find my actions satisfactory, please leave positive feedback on my site. Sincerely, . . .” and give your name. Killing from behind shows a lack of respect and a lack of faith in yourself. If you really want to kill someone, you need to believe in yourself, that you can get the job done.
3. If the first shot does not finish off your victim, have the decency to apologize for your shoddy work and then try again. As much as we don’t want people to think we are rude, we also don’t want them to think we’re incompetent.
4. Please, no matter what, do not use coarse language. Targets and potential witnesses find that rather tasteless. It makes us look like common thugs.
5. Please don’t smoke. You never know if your target has asthma or emphysema, and people just don’t like the smell. I know that in all the movies, killers wait in the shadows smoking a cigarette, but this is 2010. No one wants to die from your second hand smoke.
6. Please keep America Beautiful. After you kill, please clean up. No one likes stepping in blood or tripping over an old corpse (please see the Killing Green post on how to dispose of a body in the most environmentally friendly way).
7. Do not kill bystanders. That tends to appear gratuitous. If you are killing with witnesses around, you should not be subscribing to the Perfect Murder blog. We have standards.
8. Dress appropriately. No one will respect a murderer whose dress does not fit the occasion. Generally, a coat and tie (or pants suit) will do. However, if your kill is on the beach or at a ski lodge, more casual attire may be acceptable. Likewise, if your target is at a black tie affair, BUY A TUX—rentals always look cheap and you’ll never get in. And, while we don't like to talk about mugshots, if you do dress well and are well groomed, your mugshot will be splendid, even facebook worthy.
9. Don’t brag about your kill(s). Bragging denigrates the purity of the kill. Besides, the more people with knowledge of your kill, the greater the likelihood of you getting caught (see future post, Shut the Fuck Up, Dumbass).
10. I really don’t have a tenth, but when has there ever been a list with only nine entries. Okay, here’s a tenth rule: if you are questioned, please respond, “Sir (or Madam), I humbly invoke my fifth amendment right, and would also like competent representation.” And then shut the fuck up, dumbass.
Remember, when you kill, you represent all of us, not just yourself; you are part of a larger community. We are not just a bunch of bloodthirsty folks shooting willy-nilly into the crowd. We are better than that, and so, before you step out to kill, please familiarize yourself with these rules of the rod, ha ha (No, not even murderologists can pass up the opportunity at a bad pun).
1. Give your target the same respect you would want someone to give your grandmother (unless of course, your target IS your grandmother, in which case give him/her the respect of someone you really care about).
2. When possible, don’t kill from behind. Face your target, introduce yourself if they don’t already know you, and say, “Sir/Madam, it is my pleasure to kill you. I intend to make this as painless as possible, and if you find my actions satisfactory, please leave positive feedback on my site. Sincerely, . . .” and give your name. Killing from behind shows a lack of respect and a lack of faith in yourself. If you really want to kill someone, you need to believe in yourself, that you can get the job done.
3. If the first shot does not finish off your victim, have the decency to apologize for your shoddy work and then try again. As much as we don’t want people to think we are rude, we also don’t want them to think we’re incompetent.
4. Please, no matter what, do not use coarse language. Targets and potential witnesses find that rather tasteless. It makes us look like common thugs.
5. Please don’t smoke. You never know if your target has asthma or emphysema, and people just don’t like the smell. I know that in all the movies, killers wait in the shadows smoking a cigarette, but this is 2010. No one wants to die from your second hand smoke.
6. Please keep America Beautiful. After you kill, please clean up. No one likes stepping in blood or tripping over an old corpse (please see the Killing Green post on how to dispose of a body in the most environmentally friendly way).
7. Do not kill bystanders. That tends to appear gratuitous. If you are killing with witnesses around, you should not be subscribing to the Perfect Murder blog. We have standards.
8. Dress appropriately. No one will respect a murderer whose dress does not fit the occasion. Generally, a coat and tie (or pants suit) will do. However, if your kill is on the beach or at a ski lodge, more casual attire may be acceptable. Likewise, if your target is at a black tie affair, BUY A TUX—rentals always look cheap and you’ll never get in. And, while we don't like to talk about mugshots, if you do dress well and are well groomed, your mugshot will be splendid, even facebook worthy.
9. Don’t brag about your kill(s). Bragging denigrates the purity of the kill. Besides, the more people with knowledge of your kill, the greater the likelihood of you getting caught (see future post, Shut the Fuck Up, Dumbass).
10. I really don’t have a tenth, but when has there ever been a list with only nine entries. Okay, here’s a tenth rule: if you are questioned, please respond, “Sir (or Madam), I humbly invoke my fifth amendment right, and would also like competent representation.” And then shut the fuck up, dumbass.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
EXPLOSIVES: NOT FOR DUMMIES
There are times when we murderologists lean back in our chairs and chuckle. And yes, it is probably in poor taste when an acolyte blows himself up (no, I’m not being sexist, boys are ones who like bombs). But really, if someone with no training in chemistry or electrical engineering tries to make a bomb, what do you think will happen?
For those dummies who don’t know, I’ll spell it out. B-O-O-M.
Either you get blown up trying to make the bomb, or you get blown up trying to deliver the bomb. Either way, you are the only one turned into confetti. Really messy confetti. (See related chapter in Meth Labs: For Morons.)
And on the off chance you don’t kill yourself, then you probably did something wrong and it won’t kill your target either. All that will happen is that the bomb squad will have a ton of evidence that you tried to kill someone. And guess what, the punishment for attempted murder tends to be almost as bad as it is for murder. But what’s even worse, at least murderers have some jailhouse cred as being badass—those convicted of attempted crimes are routinely given prison wedgies.
If you are still intent on using a bomb, I’d suggest getting a degree in electical engineering with a chemistry minor, and subscribing to The Perfect Murder: Genius Edition. It has a very good section on bomb making for the well-heeled intellectual. NOTE: if you think majoring in Chemical Engineering would kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, alas no (I made this mistake)—all you’ll be able to do is work for BP or Exxon.
I’ve heard that the terrorist training camps in Afghanistan and Pakistan do provide excellent instruction in bombmaking; however, you’d miss out on all the excitement of college life, frat parties, alcohol poisoning, football games, plagiarism. Oh yeah, and they tend not to stress the escape. Their graduates have an extremely high proportion of dying with their bombs. We murderologists would really prefer to see that proportion down below ten percent before we could ever recommend their academies.
For those dummies who don’t know, I’ll spell it out. B-O-O-M.
Either you get blown up trying to make the bomb, or you get blown up trying to deliver the bomb. Either way, you are the only one turned into confetti. Really messy confetti. (See related chapter in Meth Labs: For Morons.)
And on the off chance you don’t kill yourself, then you probably did something wrong and it won’t kill your target either. All that will happen is that the bomb squad will have a ton of evidence that you tried to kill someone. And guess what, the punishment for attempted murder tends to be almost as bad as it is for murder. But what’s even worse, at least murderers have some jailhouse cred as being badass—those convicted of attempted crimes are routinely given prison wedgies.
If you are still intent on using a bomb, I’d suggest getting a degree in electical engineering with a chemistry minor, and subscribing to The Perfect Murder: Genius Edition. It has a very good section on bomb making for the well-heeled intellectual. NOTE: if you think majoring in Chemical Engineering would kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, alas no (I made this mistake)—all you’ll be able to do is work for BP or Exxon.
I’ve heard that the terrorist training camps in Afghanistan and Pakistan do provide excellent instruction in bombmaking; however, you’d miss out on all the excitement of college life, frat parties, alcohol poisoning, football games, plagiarism. Oh yeah, and they tend not to stress the escape. Their graduates have an extremely high proportion of dying with their bombs. We murderologists would really prefer to see that proportion down below ten percent before we could ever recommend their academies.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
KILLING ARIZONA
I have heard quite a few people compaining about the recent immigration law passed in Arizona, but I find that all this whining is short-sighted. Talk about looking a gift-burro (more on this below) in the boca. In fact, if I am not mistaken, Arizona could become a Mecca for murderers.
Now, pay attention, and re-read this if it gets too complicated (or requires too much Spanish), but I believe that even “dummies” can commit a good murder with this plan. DISCLAIMER: while I don’t believe murders in Arizona qualify as “perfect” in the aesthetic sense, they can be defined as such if your only concern is escaping jail time—Arizona is a great state to notch your first kill.
The first thing you need to know if you intend to commit murder in Arizona is one handy phrase: “Tu madre es una puta” (too MAH-dray ess OO-nah PUH-tah). If you don’t read Spanish, it translates rather nicely as “your mother is a whore.” I understand that many of you may not have had Spanish in high school, or if you did, you don’t remember anything, so I’ll give you a handy pronunciation hint: the more it sounds like the Taco Bell dog, the more those well meaning Arizonan cops and militia types will be convinced you’re Mexican.
Once you’ve mastered your Spanish, you are free to kill in Arizona. Any way you want. You don’t even have to worry about leaving evidence behind or having witnesses see you. That’s the utter beauty of Arizona and its new immigration policy. If a police officer or concerned citizen approaches you—you might have the murder weapon in your hand, be covered in blood, or have the body in the trunk, it doesnt’ matter—simply look him or her in the eye, with a smirk on your face as if you were planning on stealing his or her job, and say, “Tu madre es una puta.” Now, in most cases, having a police officer pistol whip you and smash your face in the hood of a cruiser is a bad thing, but in Arizona, this action will be followed immediately by your being thrown into a holding cell until you can be deported. Even if you’re white! They won’t even bother to give you due process, Mirandize you, or take your mug shots or fingerprints—they’re so deportation happy they’ll forget all about the fact that they were investigating a murder. Once in Mexico, wait a week or two, and then call and ask someone to send you your drivers license or other ID. Cross the border, and all is fine. (Note: if your face gets infected from the altercation with Arizona’s finest, wait until you get back to the states to get it fixed up; border clinics can be, well, rather suspect.)
I know some of you must be thinking, but I’m Black or Asian or Laplander, can I murder in Arizona too? Yes! But just to be safe you might want to wear a sombrero and serape and trade in your getaway car for a burro. With that getup, you could probably shoot the sheriff himself, and they’d just throw you over the fence of freedom.
Another benefit to being deported is that if you like killing but prefer Mexico, the border drugs gangs are always in need of more hired guns (I think they have job postings on Monster and Craigslist).
Note to Dummies, Morons and Imbeciles: Make sure you are not in Texas; if you are anywhere in the Southwest, buy a good map—the old fashioned kind that is impossible to refold. Don’t trust GPS or Mapquest—even if they do actually give you the right directions, there’s a computer trail. And do not circle cities or highlight your route, especially your escape route—see forthcoming post Nothing in Writing). This same phrase, “Tu madre es una puta,” uttered to a Texas officer will result in a pistol whipping, head smashing, tasering, and then a few gunshots (in self-defence, of course), and then your body will be dragged to the middle of west Texas where the coyotes, vultures, and javelinas can feast on it. (See my future post on The Donut Theory of Proximity or my forthcoming blog, The Perfect Murder: For Cops.)
Now, pay attention, and re-read this if it gets too complicated (or requires too much Spanish), but I believe that even “dummies” can commit a good murder with this plan. DISCLAIMER: while I don’t believe murders in Arizona qualify as “perfect” in the aesthetic sense, they can be defined as such if your only concern is escaping jail time—Arizona is a great state to notch your first kill.
The first thing you need to know if you intend to commit murder in Arizona is one handy phrase: “Tu madre es una puta” (too MAH-dray ess OO-nah PUH-tah). If you don’t read Spanish, it translates rather nicely as “your mother is a whore.” I understand that many of you may not have had Spanish in high school, or if you did, you don’t remember anything, so I’ll give you a handy pronunciation hint: the more it sounds like the Taco Bell dog, the more those well meaning Arizonan cops and militia types will be convinced you’re Mexican.
Once you’ve mastered your Spanish, you are free to kill in Arizona. Any way you want. You don’t even have to worry about leaving evidence behind or having witnesses see you. That’s the utter beauty of Arizona and its new immigration policy. If a police officer or concerned citizen approaches you—you might have the murder weapon in your hand, be covered in blood, or have the body in the trunk, it doesnt’ matter—simply look him or her in the eye, with a smirk on your face as if you were planning on stealing his or her job, and say, “Tu madre es una puta.” Now, in most cases, having a police officer pistol whip you and smash your face in the hood of a cruiser is a bad thing, but in Arizona, this action will be followed immediately by your being thrown into a holding cell until you can be deported. Even if you’re white! They won’t even bother to give you due process, Mirandize you, or take your mug shots or fingerprints—they’re so deportation happy they’ll forget all about the fact that they were investigating a murder. Once in Mexico, wait a week or two, and then call and ask someone to send you your drivers license or other ID. Cross the border, and all is fine. (Note: if your face gets infected from the altercation with Arizona’s finest, wait until you get back to the states to get it fixed up; border clinics can be, well, rather suspect.)
I know some of you must be thinking, but I’m Black or Asian or Laplander, can I murder in Arizona too? Yes! But just to be safe you might want to wear a sombrero and serape and trade in your getaway car for a burro. With that getup, you could probably shoot the sheriff himself, and they’d just throw you over the fence of freedom.
Another benefit to being deported is that if you like killing but prefer Mexico, the border drugs gangs are always in need of more hired guns (I think they have job postings on Monster and Craigslist).
Note to Dummies, Morons and Imbeciles: Make sure you are not in Texas; if you are anywhere in the Southwest, buy a good map—the old fashioned kind that is impossible to refold. Don’t trust GPS or Mapquest—even if they do actually give you the right directions, there’s a computer trail. And do not circle cities or highlight your route, especially your escape route—see forthcoming post Nothing in Writing). This same phrase, “Tu madre es una puta,” uttered to a Texas officer will result in a pistol whipping, head smashing, tasering, and then a few gunshots (in self-defence, of course), and then your body will be dragged to the middle of west Texas where the coyotes, vultures, and javelinas can feast on it. (See my future post on The Donut Theory of Proximity or my forthcoming blog, The Perfect Murder: For Cops.)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
ROCK PAPER SCISSORS . . . GUN!
This is one of the two great mysteries of American civilization: how on earth does paper beat rock? (The other is: who is moronic enough to think Sarah Palin is either smart or hot? There is a provocative chapter addressing this in The Tea Party: For Imbeciles.)
I’ve studied the Rock Paper Scissors problem for some time and have arrived at a hypothesis: a young lad, one who inevitably was tormented with rocks and scissors by his schoolyard chums, stared down at his homework assignment. This was his epiphany, his Newton and the apple moment. If he could convince these other boys of the mysterious power of paper, he would rule the schoolyard. I can’t tell you how many times he got beat up before he persuaded them that paper beats rock, but clearly he (or his descendants) eventually did.
Some kids, I guess, can convince the feeble-minded that paper wins against rock (may also explain Palin enigma), but when it comes to murder, paper never wins.
Scissors have been tried on PBS murder mysteries, and sometimes on Murder, She Wrote, but they tend to be weapons of convenience, not weapons that the well prepared murderer would bring with him/her. And murderers who utilize scissors are never able to elude either Hercule Poirot or Jessica Fletcher.
Rocks are classics, the weapon with the most history behind it. Before our ancestors discovered fire and language, they knew what to do with a rock. Pick up rock, smash head. (If you are interested in this method, either because you prefer the classics or you don’t like reading, see the chapter in The Perfect Murder: For Imbeciles.)
As much as I like the classics, I’ve come to accept that our future as murderers is in technology. And that technology for now is the gun. Maybe someday, in a brighter world, we’ll even have gun apps on our cell phones, just imagine the possibilities.
So, the next time someone challenges you to Rock Paper Scissors, pull out a gun. Nothin’ beats the gun.
I’ve studied the Rock Paper Scissors problem for some time and have arrived at a hypothesis: a young lad, one who inevitably was tormented with rocks and scissors by his schoolyard chums, stared down at his homework assignment. This was his epiphany, his Newton and the apple moment. If he could convince these other boys of the mysterious power of paper, he would rule the schoolyard. I can’t tell you how many times he got beat up before he persuaded them that paper beats rock, but clearly he (or his descendants) eventually did.
Some kids, I guess, can convince the feeble-minded that paper wins against rock (may also explain Palin enigma), but when it comes to murder, paper never wins.
Scissors have been tried on PBS murder mysteries, and sometimes on Murder, She Wrote, but they tend to be weapons of convenience, not weapons that the well prepared murderer would bring with him/her. And murderers who utilize scissors are never able to elude either Hercule Poirot or Jessica Fletcher.
Rocks are classics, the weapon with the most history behind it. Before our ancestors discovered fire and language, they knew what to do with a rock. Pick up rock, smash head. (If you are interested in this method, either because you prefer the classics or you don’t like reading, see the chapter in The Perfect Murder: For Imbeciles.)
As much as I like the classics, I’ve come to accept that our future as murderers is in technology. And that technology for now is the gun. Maybe someday, in a brighter world, we’ll even have gun apps on our cell phones, just imagine the possibilities.
So, the next time someone challenges you to Rock Paper Scissors, pull out a gun. Nothin’ beats the gun.
Monday, August 9, 2010
THE TERRI SCHIAVO PARADOX
OR, WHOM CAN’T YOU KILL: PART I
The conventional criminological wisdom is, the more someone wants to die, the less you can kill them. We call this the “Terri Schiavo Paradox,” although some of us with slightly darker outlooks prefer “Why I Can’t Kill Grandma.”
Sadly to say, you can’t kill the old, the terminally ill, or vegetables (and while I am sure to offend some with this term, few seem to like “permanent vegetative state” any better—they think it’s too hopeless; I tend to believe this whole fuss has more to do with our hatred of all things with the “veg-“ prefix: real vegetables, vegetarians, vegans, and people vegetables).
Although many in the public believe that we murderers are an evil lot, I must contest this stereotype. Of course, there are some among us who are, but so are there those who wish to make this a better world, free of pain and sadness.
It frustrates us greatly that we can’t bring an end to the pain and sadness of those who suffer terminably. Think of the couple, married sixty-one years. Mr. X has terminal cancer, barely four months to live. Every moment is bathed in excruciating pain; neither morphine or marijuana can do anything anymore. He begs Mrs. X to unplug his ventilator, to push a pillow down over his head. She wants to, but the law says no, and everyone would know it was her. She would spend her last years in the Big House, making tea-coseys for the cafeteria.
Or Mrs. Y, who went into a coma after a boating accident. She’s not done anything in twenty-three years. The hospital now doubles the room as a storage closet—in fact, for almost two weeks after the hospital doubled her room, Mr. Y was talking to the mop.
You can’t even help those poor, depression-ridden teens who think one bad relationship is the end of the world.
If only our society would let us kill those who want to die (or those whom we think should die), we wouldn’t have to target the random individuals who make such easy prey.
Letting murderers kill those who want to die is a win-win-win-win scenario. The killers are happy, the dead are happy (insomuch as the dead could ever be happy), the family is saved the trauma of having to end the life of their loved one, and the public is saved the costs for long, term, pointless medical windowdressing (and we killers would gladly do the public service for free).
No, the sad reality is, good intentions will only get you thrown in jail. Or if you’re in Texas, it’ll get you executed—now isn’t that ironic.
The conventional criminological wisdom is, the more someone wants to die, the less you can kill them. We call this the “Terri Schiavo Paradox,” although some of us with slightly darker outlooks prefer “Why I Can’t Kill Grandma.”
Sadly to say, you can’t kill the old, the terminally ill, or vegetables (and while I am sure to offend some with this term, few seem to like “permanent vegetative state” any better—they think it’s too hopeless; I tend to believe this whole fuss has more to do with our hatred of all things with the “veg-“ prefix: real vegetables, vegetarians, vegans, and people vegetables).
Although many in the public believe that we murderers are an evil lot, I must contest this stereotype. Of course, there are some among us who are, but so are there those who wish to make this a better world, free of pain and sadness.
It frustrates us greatly that we can’t bring an end to the pain and sadness of those who suffer terminably. Think of the couple, married sixty-one years. Mr. X has terminal cancer, barely four months to live. Every moment is bathed in excruciating pain; neither morphine or marijuana can do anything anymore. He begs Mrs. X to unplug his ventilator, to push a pillow down over his head. She wants to, but the law says no, and everyone would know it was her. She would spend her last years in the Big House, making tea-coseys for the cafeteria.
Or Mrs. Y, who went into a coma after a boating accident. She’s not done anything in twenty-three years. The hospital now doubles the room as a storage closet—in fact, for almost two weeks after the hospital doubled her room, Mr. Y was talking to the mop.
You can’t even help those poor, depression-ridden teens who think one bad relationship is the end of the world.
If only our society would let us kill those who want to die (or those whom we think should die), we wouldn’t have to target the random individuals who make such easy prey.
Letting murderers kill those who want to die is a win-win-win-win scenario. The killers are happy, the dead are happy (insomuch as the dead could ever be happy), the family is saved the trauma of having to end the life of their loved one, and the public is saved the costs for long, term, pointless medical windowdressing (and we killers would gladly do the public service for free).
No, the sad reality is, good intentions will only get you thrown in jail. Or if you’re in Texas, it’ll get you executed—now isn’t that ironic.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
KILLING WITH KINDNESS: UNTRUE!!!!
As your killing mentor, I feel it is my duty to debunk some common misconceptions about effective murder techniques. Therefore, I will periodically discuss some “murder myths.”
Sadly, much of what you learned as a child, either from your parents, your church, or your school, is untrue. I can remember being told, “Kill them with kindness.” I tried, and do you know what happened, NOTHING! In fact, it only made them bully me more. So stop being nice to the people you want dead, it simply is not going to happen.
It turns out, this isn’t even in the Bible. Damn Christians (church, school, family, etc.)!! In the never ending search to make the Bible easier for people to comprehend, they’ve taken Romans 12: 20-21 and made it into a Ben Franklin type proverb. “Therefore, if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink; for in doing so thou shalt heap coals on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (KJV). Like God ever does this with his enemies.
Other responses that don’t work:
Apathy: This only works if you are responsible for changing the feeding tube.
Bemusement: Never gonna happen.
Curiousity: Only for cats, but this website does not approve of the killing or torturing of non-human animals.
Denial: This is only effective when the person you want killed is yourself.
Excitement: People might act like they could die when the win the lottery, but all too quickly the reality of taxes and money-grubbing relatives sets in, and pretty soon, this becomes depression, which does kill rather well. The biggest problem with the excitement—reality—depression—death scenario is that there are too many steps. Each step increases the unpredictability factor, making this a poor choice for the perfect murder. It would, however, qualify for the “Damn-I’m-lucky murder.”
Fright: Definitely has the potential, but generally the only things that pack that much wallop are finding out you’re pregnant and finding out the woman you just had sex with is really a man. Neither of which makes for a good murder plot, however.
Greed: I wish.
Happiness: Happiness itself does not kill, it only makes other people want to kill you. So I guess the wisdom to be learned from this is, if you are happy, act miserable like the rest of us or we might want to kill you.
Incredulity: I don’t believe this has ever worked.
Jealousy: An excellent choice, but all too predictable. Jealous lovers and spouses and business partners: who do you think are the first suspects (or "persons of interest" when there is no obvious evidence)? And if you think making someone jealous will get them to kill themselves, the sad truth is that they are far more likely to hunt you and your conniving partner down and flay you, slowly. If you are jealous and want to get away with murder, you can’t act like it. You can’t act happy either. Act bemused: no one ever suspects the bemused individual.
Kindness: Discussed previously.
Laughter: While comedians think they can slay their audiences, they are more likely to bore us to death. Likewise others think laughter is the best medicine, but the AMA is noticeably silent on this as well.
Mercy: It’s even better than bemusal. It might not kill, but it creates a killer cover identity. Who would ever have suspected Mother Theresa? If you spend decades of your life bettering the world by caring for its most down-trodden, no one will ever suspect you if you happen to slay a few here and there. Of course, you must be careful, because once it gets out that this is the perfect cover, the cops are going to know that they can’t trust the Mother Theresas amongst us.
I’ll get to the rest of the alphabet later. For now, I’d suggest that you start creating your cover: give your worldly possessions to the poor (except your computer or phone—you need to be able to access this site when you’re ready to finally start killing) and work among them. NOSMT (No One Suspects Mother Theresa).
Sadly, much of what you learned as a child, either from your parents, your church, or your school, is untrue. I can remember being told, “Kill them with kindness.” I tried, and do you know what happened, NOTHING! In fact, it only made them bully me more. So stop being nice to the people you want dead, it simply is not going to happen.
It turns out, this isn’t even in the Bible. Damn Christians (church, school, family, etc.)!! In the never ending search to make the Bible easier for people to comprehend, they’ve taken Romans 12: 20-21 and made it into a Ben Franklin type proverb. “Therefore, if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink; for in doing so thou shalt heap coals on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (KJV). Like God ever does this with his enemies.
Other responses that don’t work:
Apathy: This only works if you are responsible for changing the feeding tube.
Bemusement: Never gonna happen.
Curiousity: Only for cats, but this website does not approve of the killing or torturing of non-human animals.
Denial: This is only effective when the person you want killed is yourself.
Excitement: People might act like they could die when the win the lottery, but all too quickly the reality of taxes and money-grubbing relatives sets in, and pretty soon, this becomes depression, which does kill rather well. The biggest problem with the excitement—reality—depression—death scenario is that there are too many steps. Each step increases the unpredictability factor, making this a poor choice for the perfect murder. It would, however, qualify for the “Damn-I’m-lucky murder.”
Fright: Definitely has the potential, but generally the only things that pack that much wallop are finding out you’re pregnant and finding out the woman you just had sex with is really a man. Neither of which makes for a good murder plot, however.
Greed: I wish.
Happiness: Happiness itself does not kill, it only makes other people want to kill you. So I guess the wisdom to be learned from this is, if you are happy, act miserable like the rest of us or we might want to kill you.
Incredulity: I don’t believe this has ever worked.
Jealousy: An excellent choice, but all too predictable. Jealous lovers and spouses and business partners: who do you think are the first suspects (or "persons of interest" when there is no obvious evidence)? And if you think making someone jealous will get them to kill themselves, the sad truth is that they are far more likely to hunt you and your conniving partner down and flay you, slowly. If you are jealous and want to get away with murder, you can’t act like it. You can’t act happy either. Act bemused: no one ever suspects the bemused individual.
Kindness: Discussed previously.
Laughter: While comedians think they can slay their audiences, they are more likely to bore us to death. Likewise others think laughter is the best medicine, but the AMA is noticeably silent on this as well.
Mercy: It’s even better than bemusal. It might not kill, but it creates a killer cover identity. Who would ever have suspected Mother Theresa? If you spend decades of your life bettering the world by caring for its most down-trodden, no one will ever suspect you if you happen to slay a few here and there. Of course, you must be careful, because once it gets out that this is the perfect cover, the cops are going to know that they can’t trust the Mother Theresas amongst us.
I’ll get to the rest of the alphabet later. For now, I’d suggest that you start creating your cover: give your worldly possessions to the poor (except your computer or phone—you need to be able to access this site when you’re ready to finally start killing) and work among them. NOSMT (No One Suspects Mother Theresa).
Saturday, August 7, 2010
KILLING GREEN FAQs
I know that murder dates back to the first moments of our consciousness as humans and even long before that, but I think we owe future generations a better earth than the one we have been bequeathed. And to that end, I have decided to embrace the Green Murder Movement (not to be confused with the Green River Murders, which were not particularly green).
1: Can I compost the body?
MH: Not in your backyard compost bin. The rule for composting is keep meat and animal (human) parts out of the compost. However, humans do decompose very well. Remove the clothes, especially synthetic fabrics, glasses, and prosthetics. In a few generations, the slain will once again be one with Mother Earth.
Please do not throw bodies in the garbage, since our landfills are already full, and throwing bodies into waterways detracts from the natural environments.
2: Can I recycle bullets?
MH: Since many bullets have lead in them, we are encouraging people to take their lead bullets to their local recycling center or firehouse (you can get rid of your used lead pipes this way as well, although you should wash the blood, hair, and skin off with warm water and a mild, hypoallergenic soap). But if you do use lead bullets, please remove them from the slain so that the lead does not enter into ecosystem, either via scavengers or by leaching into the watertable.
For those of you who use bullets from earth-friendly companies, such as A Self-Righteous Kill, you can generally get a pre-paid mailer that you can use to send your used bullets back, where they can be made into playground equipment for underserved populations.
3: Guns or knives?
MH: In an ideal world, all murders would be done with hemp rope and pointy bamboo sticks, but unfortunately, they greatly increase the risks of injury, failure, and capture to the would be murderer.
However, if you do choose a knife, make sure you get it used, or you reuse it. Kitchen knives are always good, because they’ve had a life before you kill with it, and you can put in back in the kitchen drawer and use it again.
As for guns, always buy used (or steal them). A used gun saves resources, and if you buy it from a good source, it won’t be traced to you. Guns shows in Texas or Virginia are the best: for less than a hundred bucks, you can come home with a gun, and you can also grab enough free bullets out of the candy dishes to get the job done (remember, of course, grab only the eco-friendly bullets). And the best part, no one ever asks for a background check or ID, especially in Texas. (Gun-totin’ Texans adhere to the reading of the Second Amendment that says, No One Can Stop Me from Owning as Many Guns as I Want, and It’s No One’s Business Who Has the Guns—the drawback is that you’ll never find one of those Texans with eco-bullets.)
And when you’re done with the gun, please don’t throw it in a river or a landfill—it will take hundreds of years to break down in the environment, and even when it does, there are enough bad things in a gun that we don’t want in the environment. The best idea is to give it away. If you place it in a recyclable cardboard box, write FREE, and put in on a streetcorner in an inner city, the poor sap who has the misfortune of picking it up will now be the proud owner of a murder weapon. And the best part, everyone knows that it’s the inner city folks who do all the killing anyway. (Watch for the forthcoming posts: Whom Can You Frame? And Whom Can You Kill?).
4: Is there a preferred way to wrap a body?
MH: This is the “paper or plastic” conundrum of the killing world. Like the rest of society, we’d prefer you reuse your body bag, but for those of you who forget to bring your own, or can’t find a local vendor who carries them, here’s the conventional wisdom: unbleached canvas tarps will break down eventually into a beneficial organic mulch; and there are a few plastic bags that will bio-degrade when exposed to sunlight. 50 gallon drums are not recommended, neither the metal drums nor the plastic ones.
5: Is it okay to kill litterbugs and other polluters?
MH: I don’t think it’s prohibited anywhere in the Bible or specified in case law. My hesitation with saying yes is not that I have compunctions about killing, but that you feel the need to create a moral justification for your action—it seems to cheapen the act of killing.
Try to think about it this way: if you are going to kill someone, it would be splendid if that random individual just so happened to be evil. (See future postings: The Benefits of a Random Victim, and Please Don’t Kill the Next Gandhi.)
I’ll respond to more queries as I receive them. Stay posted.
1: Can I compost the body?
MH: Not in your backyard compost bin. The rule for composting is keep meat and animal (human) parts out of the compost. However, humans do decompose very well. Remove the clothes, especially synthetic fabrics, glasses, and prosthetics. In a few generations, the slain will once again be one with Mother Earth.
Please do not throw bodies in the garbage, since our landfills are already full, and throwing bodies into waterways detracts from the natural environments.
2: Can I recycle bullets?
MH: Since many bullets have lead in them, we are encouraging people to take their lead bullets to their local recycling center or firehouse (you can get rid of your used lead pipes this way as well, although you should wash the blood, hair, and skin off with warm water and a mild, hypoallergenic soap). But if you do use lead bullets, please remove them from the slain so that the lead does not enter into ecosystem, either via scavengers or by leaching into the watertable.
For those of you who use bullets from earth-friendly companies, such as A Self-Righteous Kill, you can generally get a pre-paid mailer that you can use to send your used bullets back, where they can be made into playground equipment for underserved populations.
3: Guns or knives?
MH: In an ideal world, all murders would be done with hemp rope and pointy bamboo sticks, but unfortunately, they greatly increase the risks of injury, failure, and capture to the would be murderer.
However, if you do choose a knife, make sure you get it used, or you reuse it. Kitchen knives are always good, because they’ve had a life before you kill with it, and you can put in back in the kitchen drawer and use it again.
As for guns, always buy used (or steal them). A used gun saves resources, and if you buy it from a good source, it won’t be traced to you. Guns shows in Texas or Virginia are the best: for less than a hundred bucks, you can come home with a gun, and you can also grab enough free bullets out of the candy dishes to get the job done (remember, of course, grab only the eco-friendly bullets). And the best part, no one ever asks for a background check or ID, especially in Texas. (Gun-totin’ Texans adhere to the reading of the Second Amendment that says, No One Can Stop Me from Owning as Many Guns as I Want, and It’s No One’s Business Who Has the Guns—the drawback is that you’ll never find one of those Texans with eco-bullets.)
And when you’re done with the gun, please don’t throw it in a river or a landfill—it will take hundreds of years to break down in the environment, and even when it does, there are enough bad things in a gun that we don’t want in the environment. The best idea is to give it away. If you place it in a recyclable cardboard box, write FREE, and put in on a streetcorner in an inner city, the poor sap who has the misfortune of picking it up will now be the proud owner of a murder weapon. And the best part, everyone knows that it’s the inner city folks who do all the killing anyway. (Watch for the forthcoming posts: Whom Can You Frame? And Whom Can You Kill?).
4: Is there a preferred way to wrap a body?
MH: This is the “paper or plastic” conundrum of the killing world. Like the rest of society, we’d prefer you reuse your body bag, but for those of you who forget to bring your own, or can’t find a local vendor who carries them, here’s the conventional wisdom: unbleached canvas tarps will break down eventually into a beneficial organic mulch; and there are a few plastic bags that will bio-degrade when exposed to sunlight. 50 gallon drums are not recommended, neither the metal drums nor the plastic ones.
5: Is it okay to kill litterbugs and other polluters?
MH: I don’t think it’s prohibited anywhere in the Bible or specified in case law. My hesitation with saying yes is not that I have compunctions about killing, but that you feel the need to create a moral justification for your action—it seems to cheapen the act of killing.
Try to think about it this way: if you are going to kill someone, it would be splendid if that random individual just so happened to be evil. (See future postings: The Benefits of a Random Victim, and Please Don’t Kill the Next Gandhi.)
I’ll respond to more queries as I receive them. Stay posted.
Friday, August 6, 2010
A POLITICALLY CORRECT CORRECTION
It has been brought to my attention that I should not refer to murder victims as victims because it deprives them of their agency.
Henceforth, I will strive to acknowledge and affirm their agency and refer to them as "the newly dead" or "the slain." Should I fail in this effort, please remind me, I will not take offense.
My apologies to all the slain I may have offended. Requiescat in pacem.
Henceforth, I will strive to acknowledge and affirm their agency and refer to them as "the newly dead" or "the slain." Should I fail in this effort, please remind me, I will not take offense.
My apologies to all the slain I may have offended. Requiescat in pacem.
GOD IS NOT VEGAN: A CASE STUDY OF THE FIRST MURDER
In the previous post, I mentioned the case of Cain and Abel, and thus I felt this would be the appropriate time to discuss the first murder so that we can learn what not to do.
Cain, Adam and Eve’s firstborn child, loved his vegetables. Abel, their second child, preferred meat. So one day, when they decided to make an offering to Jehovah, Cain brought an offering of the fruits of the ground, and Abel sacrificed the firstlings of his flocks. God, it turns out, hates vegetables and rejected Cain’s offering; God prefers blood and loved Abel best.
Cain was understandably upset, God loved his younger brother but rejected him. If God loves blood so much . . . he’d give him some, Abel’s.
CAIN’S MISTAKES:
Passion: Generally speaking, you can’t kill people that you really want to kill. It’s too obvious. People tend to remember the angry, ranting maniacs. (This will be discussed in great length in later postings, it is the number one reason why people get caught.)
Fratricide: if there is a specific term for your particular murder, then you’re going to be a suspect (this will be discussed in further detail in a later posting). See also: regicide, patricide, mercy killing.
Logic: Cain probably falls in the imbecile or moron category here. There were four people on the planet at the time. He killed one. His parents were the other two and they’d alibi each other. Even if he didn’t do it, he’d be the one going away for murder. Hmmm, maybe he didn’t do it? Did God really look into Adam and Eve’s stories? Did God think to question them separately? Everyone tends to believe that parents would never kill their kids, but haven’t we learned better yet? And did anyone bother to question the chimpanzees?
Veganism: People don’t trust vegans, God doesn’t either. Not eating meat or anything animal-related just ain’t right. Clearly if you refuse to eat animals, your natural, God-given bloodlust must be expressed some other way. Cain couldn’t get his bloodlust from picking figs, so he killed his brother; at least that’s what the Bible says.
So what does the Bible teach us about the perfect murder: kill someone that you don’t care about who lives in a different town, but not your brother, and make sure someone sees you eat a hotdog (it can be a veggie dog, just don’t let anyone know it’s meatless). And make sure there are more than four people on the planet when you do it.
Cain, Adam and Eve’s firstborn child, loved his vegetables. Abel, their second child, preferred meat. So one day, when they decided to make an offering to Jehovah, Cain brought an offering of the fruits of the ground, and Abel sacrificed the firstlings of his flocks. God, it turns out, hates vegetables and rejected Cain’s offering; God prefers blood and loved Abel best.
Cain was understandably upset, God loved his younger brother but rejected him. If God loves blood so much . . . he’d give him some, Abel’s.
CAIN’S MISTAKES:
Passion: Generally speaking, you can’t kill people that you really want to kill. It’s too obvious. People tend to remember the angry, ranting maniacs. (This will be discussed in great length in later postings, it is the number one reason why people get caught.)
Fratricide: if there is a specific term for your particular murder, then you’re going to be a suspect (this will be discussed in further detail in a later posting). See also: regicide, patricide, mercy killing.
Logic: Cain probably falls in the imbecile or moron category here. There were four people on the planet at the time. He killed one. His parents were the other two and they’d alibi each other. Even if he didn’t do it, he’d be the one going away for murder. Hmmm, maybe he didn’t do it? Did God really look into Adam and Eve’s stories? Did God think to question them separately? Everyone tends to believe that parents would never kill their kids, but haven’t we learned better yet? And did anyone bother to question the chimpanzees?
Veganism: People don’t trust vegans, God doesn’t either. Not eating meat or anything animal-related just ain’t right. Clearly if you refuse to eat animals, your natural, God-given bloodlust must be expressed some other way. Cain couldn’t get his bloodlust from picking figs, so he killed his brother; at least that’s what the Bible says.
So what does the Bible teach us about the perfect murder: kill someone that you don’t care about who lives in a different town, but not your brother, and make sure someone sees you eat a hotdog (it can be a veggie dog, just don’t let anyone know it’s meatless). And make sure there are more than four people on the planet when you do it.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
NURTURING YOUR INNER MURDERER
If seven years of therapy and countless episodes of Donahue have taught me anything, it’s this: your inner self needs constant reassurance and positive feedback. Just consider how your inner murderer must feel. Everywhere you go: killing is bad. We all know how damaging repression can be. Until we can look our inner murderers in the eyes and say, I accept you as a natural part of who I am, we’ll have trouble.
Now, getting to the point of accepting your inner murderer as a natural or normal part of you is no simple, one-posting kind of thing. Like I said, I’ve been in therapy for seven years and I still am working on self-acceptance. But, as the cliché goes, every journey begins with one step—I think A.A. stole that from Chinese philosophy.
As I figure it, whether you look at things from a Biblical standpoint, or you take the evolutionary view of things, we all have an inner murderer, we’re expected to kill each other.
If we can blame this mess on God, then He set us up to kill. After the first taste of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, humanity’s first sin is murder—although since God hadn’t said murder was a sin yet, Cain’s defense could have had a case (unfortunately, defense attorneys did not exist yet and God was clearly biased toward Abel). And had Cain paid someone to kill Abel, we could say that murder was the oldest profession (but of course, the only other people on the planet were his parents). But anyway, of the first four people on the planet, one is a murderer. 25%. And once Abel is dead, the percentage of murders in society was 33%. No wonder God made murder a sin. Had Cain been a serial killer, the Bible would have been a much shorter book.
So Christians, above all, should appreciate how much killing is part of us.
As for those who find the Garden of Eden story a bit, well, dumb, considering that God’s creation appears to be 4.5 billion years old (so does that mean God is a liar if His creation, earth, convinces people that it is not six thousand years old?), our own history and the actions of our closest primate relatives suggest we are quite confortable with killing.
Could killing really be natural? Well, do animals in nature kill? Chimpanzees form bands and wage war against other chimps. Adults will kill and eat children. (NOTE: our other closest primate relative, the bonobo, seems to favor love to war—they tend to just screw each other to avoid conflicts: see the chapter on bonobos in Free Sex: For Dummies). And it’s not just the chimps. Every time I turn on the Nature Channel or Discovery, a lion is killing its cub, a baby bird kicks its smaller sibling out of the nest, an alligator chews on the little ones.
Have we worn clothes so long that we forget that we’re animals? Maybe that’s why uniforms are so effective in getting us to kill (military, police, postal workers). By looking the same, we forget that individuality that makes us think we are not animals.
See, whether we think we’re descended from Cain (or his brother Seth, the replacement kid) or a bunch of rabid chimpanzess, we’ve got murder in our genes. When you look on the evening news or the New York Times online, and you see all the hullabaloo over murder, take a moment and look inside yourself. Tell your inner murderer, killing is part of life, and be accepting. The more you repress your inner murderer, the more likely you will be to make dumb mistakes when you finally do venture out into the world of handguns and obscure poisons.
Now, getting to the point of accepting your inner murderer as a natural or normal part of you is no simple, one-posting kind of thing. Like I said, I’ve been in therapy for seven years and I still am working on self-acceptance. But, as the cliché goes, every journey begins with one step—I think A.A. stole that from Chinese philosophy.
As I figure it, whether you look at things from a Biblical standpoint, or you take the evolutionary view of things, we all have an inner murderer, we’re expected to kill each other.
If we can blame this mess on God, then He set us up to kill. After the first taste of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, humanity’s first sin is murder—although since God hadn’t said murder was a sin yet, Cain’s defense could have had a case (unfortunately, defense attorneys did not exist yet and God was clearly biased toward Abel). And had Cain paid someone to kill Abel, we could say that murder was the oldest profession (but of course, the only other people on the planet were his parents). But anyway, of the first four people on the planet, one is a murderer. 25%. And once Abel is dead, the percentage of murders in society was 33%. No wonder God made murder a sin. Had Cain been a serial killer, the Bible would have been a much shorter book.
So Christians, above all, should appreciate how much killing is part of us.
As for those who find the Garden of Eden story a bit, well, dumb, considering that God’s creation appears to be 4.5 billion years old (so does that mean God is a liar if His creation, earth, convinces people that it is not six thousand years old?), our own history and the actions of our closest primate relatives suggest we are quite confortable with killing.
Could killing really be natural? Well, do animals in nature kill? Chimpanzees form bands and wage war against other chimps. Adults will kill and eat children. (NOTE: our other closest primate relative, the bonobo, seems to favor love to war—they tend to just screw each other to avoid conflicts: see the chapter on bonobos in Free Sex: For Dummies). And it’s not just the chimps. Every time I turn on the Nature Channel or Discovery, a lion is killing its cub, a baby bird kicks its smaller sibling out of the nest, an alligator chews on the little ones.
Have we worn clothes so long that we forget that we’re animals? Maybe that’s why uniforms are so effective in getting us to kill (military, police, postal workers). By looking the same, we forget that individuality that makes us think we are not animals.
See, whether we think we’re descended from Cain (or his brother Seth, the replacement kid) or a bunch of rabid chimpanzess, we’ve got murder in our genes. When you look on the evening news or the New York Times online, and you see all the hullabaloo over murder, take a moment and look inside yourself. Tell your inner murderer, killing is part of life, and be accepting. The more you repress your inner murderer, the more likely you will be to make dumb mistakes when you finally do venture out into the world of handguns and obscure poisons.
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