NEWTON, CT: AND EDITORIAL

While The Perfect Murder for Dummies is wholeheartedly in support of killing people, we must clarify that we mean adults who have already sucked up enough oxygen to have burdened the earth and society with their presence.

KILLING CHILDREN IS BAD. 

For one, there is no sport in it.  How hard can it be to shoot a 6 year old who is confined to a classroom.  Show some initiative--go into a police or army barracks where at least the people there are equally armed an it could be considered a fair fight.  Or if you intended to kill yourself at the end of the slaughter, why don't you just skip to the suicide part and spare the poor kids.

REPEAT: KILLING CHILDREN IS BAD. 

If you hated your friends when you were at school, then save your anger for the alumni picnic or a reunion or something.  (see previous post on this topic).

OH YEAH, IN CASE YOU ARE DUMB AS A BRICK: KILLING CHILDREN IS BAD.

If you want to kill someone, look at some of the previous posts for better targets, like child molesters or rich people.

THE POLITICS OF KILLING: EDITORIAL

We at TPMFD would like to take this moment to discuss the politics of killing and the killing of politicians. 

We have been swamped with e-mails asking for advice: whom should we kill, Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, or the undecided, and would it really make a difference?  And, should we kill the politicians or their supporters or both?  Great questions.

First, the Who: Personally, I would kill the undecided.  If someone cannot make up his or her mind after all this evidence about what the candidates are willing to say to get elected, that person must be brain dead, so any killing would be a mercy killing, putting that person out of his or her misery. 

The next group I'd kill are Libertarians.  Killing a Libertarian would be ironic since all you would have to do is claim that you were exercising your constitutional rights or freedoms as an individual to kill.

Then I'd kill the conservative elements within the Republican party, which these days seems to be just about all of them.  I mean it, how insane can a group get--legitimate rape and divinely planned pregnancies, a rejection of the science, and incessant anti-gay, anti-minority, anti-poor, and anti-women vitrole.  I think whoever shuts them up would be in the running for the next Nobel Peace Prize.

And just for balance, I'd say kill a bunch of Democrats too, since even though they might be voting for the better candidate, half of them seem just as stupid.

And what about the politicians?  Well, if you kill all their supporters, then they have nothing to do and no one to suck up to.  But as a matter of principle, I'd say that if we have to hear their constant pandering on TV, radio, the internet, they deserve a painful death.  Possibly a dull, rusty razor.  Or a painful disease. 

Essentially, I would say to all my loyal followers, VOTE with a bullet.  Your paper ballot will inevitably get lost in the massive fraud that is the electoral college, so make a difference this election day.  Make your voice heard. 

DEATHMATCH: THE HISTORICAL BOARD GAME

Here folks is the latest game from TPMFD Enterprise: Deathmatch: The Historical Board Game.

Have you ever wondered whether Jane Austen could kill Charlotte Bronte?  Or who would kill whom in a deathmatch between Gandhi and Mother Theresa?  Now is your chance to figure it out.

You and a friend select historical figures and then argue blow by blow why your figure would kill the other first.  NOTE: figures know for their killing prowess, Stalin, Alexander the Great, etc., are not eligible, since that would not require much thinking on your part (if you are certifiably moronic, then you can use these figures). 

Gandhi - Mother Theresa Deathmatch: Gandhi has a staff, advantage Gandhi, Mother Theresa is so tiny and leathery it's hard to do much damage, advantage MT, and so on, until MT beats G to death with a leper's missing arm.  Match to the Mother!

If you run out of ideas, there is always the DeathMatch: Literature Edition; DeathMatch: Favorite Apostles Edition; and DeathMatch: Sesame Street Edition.  Hurry and purchase your copy of the game--now, instead of just getting drunk at parties, you can bring the fun!

NUKE PENN STATE: THE DEATH PENALTY EDITION

I had been hoping Penn State would receive the death penalty--I mean really, a school that coddles a pervert and gives him emeritus status! 

Imagine my horror when the NCAA chose to merely fine them and take away a few scholarships--and then, it turns out, DEATH PENALTY does not even mean DEATH PENALTY.  Really!

When Texas gives someone the death penalty, they don't come back from the dead in two to four years, they STAY DEAD.

My suggestion is that we finally use one of these damned nuclear warheads that we have spent so much money developing and just NUKE PENN STATE.  Take out the whole school and the fallout will kill off those crazy inbred hillbillies that live in the surrounding areas and worship JoePa.  Honestly, what has central PA done for the planet? What would be missed if we nuked the place?

It's time for a real death penalty in sports, and Penn State has earned the right to be first.

Nuke 'em all.

KILL PUTIN THE PUSSY: RIOT EDITION

Ooops, I think I wrote the title wrong, I MEANT, Kill Putin: the Pussy Riot Edition.
(Please Mr. Putin, don't throw me in jail for two years for calling you a pussy.)

So, the leader of the former USSR is offended by some bad-ass women who staged a performance in a cathedral.  Boo hoo.  I guess when you're former KGB you are used to being feared, and the gulag is a big part of that threat.

So, the mighty Putin is a afraid of 3 women.  What a wimp.  Maybe we shouldn't have to waste a bullet on him if he's that afraid of a video, maybe a simple BOO! will scare him to death.  Of course, if he is killed, is Medvedev any better?

Whatever happened to poor old Gorbachev?  Throw Putin to the dogs--big hungry wolfhounds, not those circus animals he has been posing with. 

Before Mr Putin dies, however, I should thank him: You have proven that some PUNK music still matters (they haven't all sold out), and that ART can still be revolutionary.

GO PUSSY RIOT.

Putin SUCKS his own little dick.

KILL PATERNO ZOMBIES, PLEASE!!!!

Even though Paterno is dead, his zombies continue to roam Pennsylvania mindlessly, spewing the notion that the once-sainted coach is innocent or naive. 

The most HUMANE thing to do to these zombies is to kill them.  You can spot them quite easily because they all wear blue and white and have little lions emblazoned on them.  You can also hear them from miles away, talking about how Freeh's report was "only one person's opinion."

Trust me, logic cannot turn them back into humans--the safest thing to do is simply point your car at them and drive over them, then back up, and drive over them again.

Oh, and if you see any of the other Paterno junta--Spanier, Shultz, or Curley--run over them too. 

We must stop the Paterno Zombies!!!

WHICH FOUNDING FATHER WOULD YOU KILL? THE JINGOISTIC EDITION

Happy 4th of July!  Celebrate you independence by blowing something or someone up.

Today's game takes us back to the founding fathers (or mothers) and which one you'd like to kill.

RULES:
Pick a founding father/mother.
Explain why you'd kill said individual.
Convince your peers that our republic would be better served without that individual.

For example: Pick George Washington because he was a toothless fascist and you hate the dollar bill.
Pick Hamilton because you hate his rich-friendly economic policy.
Pick Madison because you're a racist hillbilly.

What better way to celebrate your nation's anniversary that scheming how the elimination of one of its founders would make us a better place.

HIGH SCHOOL REUNION: THE MASSACRE EDITION

As my 30th High School reunion approaches, I was struck by a strange thought--why are there not more high school reunion massacres?

I have religiously avoided my high school reunions for one simple reason: I hated my classmates, the school, and all it stood for.  Why would I want to see any of them again?

But then I had a "Duh" moment: here I am, editor of the blog TPMFD, and I am missing the perfect mass murder opportunity.  I could in one fell swoop eliminate scores of people I detest.

Since I am sure that many of you hated high school as much as I did (if you were popular, then be forewarned), I have provided possible scenarios for revenge.

1. The Columbine Classic: take a bunch of automatic weapons and simply shoot everyone.  The weakness of this approac is that it generally ends up with your suicide or capture.  You might consider wearing a football uniform or cheerleader outfit so that if anyone survives or witnesses your caper, they'll assume it was someone else.

2. The Jonestown:  Poison the punch.  No one looks twice when someone at these shin-digs spikes the punch, so get a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, who does not approve of this site or mass murder, (if you try this with a Smirnoff or some other crappy vodka, no one will want to drink the punch), and then drink half the bottle and replace the remainder with a cyanide solution.

3. The Pot Brownies:  this is a new approach, that has yet to be copyrighted, so please, if you use this, make sure NOT to cite this site.  Whip up a few batches of pot brownies, and make sure to add a little hemlock in with the hemp.  Don't tell people outright that they are pot brownies, but whisper to someone you know has a big mouth, "I think these are special brownies, you know what I mean?"  Soon, everyone will know and will be munching away. 

Slip quietly away, and voila, the trauma of high school will dissipate and you'll be able to celebrate the next reunion alone, or with those who avoid reunions for the same reason as you.

KILL SANDUSKY: THE ROADTRIP EDITION

Are there no self-respecting men (or women) in the Penn State area with rifles, handguns, or sticks?  This guy has been free on bail and still manages his smug camera smile.  For the price of one bullet, someone could save the state of PA the absurd cost of a trial, not to mention the risk of a trial in an overly pro-Penn State environment, where it's easy to imagine some ignoramus on a jury proffering the same excuse that Joe Paterno did (oh, I didn't think men could rape men--umm, what planet is that not possible on?).

Anyway, if folks in rural PA can't take care of their own problems, TPMFD will have to organize a road trip--and we'd even supply the sticks and steel-toed boots.

BRAIN KILLS: THE BOARD GAME

I apologize for the long hiatus.  Parker Bros has been keeping me busy trying to get some of these games to market, but for some stupid reason, their lawyers keeps mumbling about product liability.  Those bastards.  Someone should stick a shiv in their backs.

My new game is my most cerebral yet: basically, can you kill someone without even lifting a finger?  Now, for those of you who are successful telekineticists, this should be simple.  However, for the rest of us earthlings, the challenge is, how do we orchestrate events so that the victime kills him-/herself.  Clearly, humiliating someone so badly that they commit suicide has been done enough already, to you would receive ZERO creativity points.  Similarly, connecting a bomb to someone's ignition switch is cliche, and would earn you ZERO creativity points.  Think instead of a scenario like this: tell a frat guy that you'll buy him a case of BUDWEISER if he sneaks into the tiger enclousure and pokes the beast with a stick--make sure he knows that one of his frat brothers will have to post the proof on YouTube to get the beer.

Or tell a hillbilly that you bought a new, hi-tech gun that absolutely cannot fire if it's pointed at the person holding it.

We at TPMFD are always interested in winning gambits, so if you find a particularly successful maneuver, please let us know and if we agree, we'll post your results.  You'll also be entered in the million dollar sweepstakes* for best kill of the summer.  (No purchase necessary, but YouTube confirmation is required.).

*Contest void on planet earth and the Space Station.

WHY CAN'T THE DEAD STAY DEAD: EASTER EDITION

Okay, it's Easter and Xians are all claiming Jesus is no longer dead.  Then what was the fuckin' point of the Romans killing him?  That's the whole point of killing--that someone die AND STAY DEAD.  I mean face it, how stupid does someone have to be to believe that a perfectly good dead person can come back to life--I guess probably as stupid as someone who believes you can get pregnant without having sex.  Hmm, sounds like those Xians are on a roll. 

JESUS IS STILL DEAD--MAGIC EASTER BUNNIES CAN'T FUCK THE LIFE BACK INTO HIM.

WHO WOULD KILL YOU?: YET ANOTHER BOARD GAME

Now that spring is in the air--although they are predicting an inch of snow tonight,  so it might be a good time to stay in and play this new game--we (meaning I) at the PMFD have created yet another board game!  WOW!  If only Milton Bradley or Parker Brothers would sponsor this site I could retire and spend all my free time killing morons. 

But back to the game: Who Would Kill You?  Personally, I am not so egotistical as to assume that many people even know who I am, much less know me well enough to want to kill me, although I bet those people who get stuck behind me at the grocery store check out line probably would stick a shiv in my liver (especially when I make the under-brained bagger go back and check the shelf price and then demand that I get the item for free when I have been proven right...).  But grocery store lines shouldn't count, neither do people whom you cut off on the freeway.

No, to achieve points in this game, you need famous or important people who want you dead. Family members who are itchin' to take you out.  Ministers, priests, pacificists.  The more people who want you dead, the more points you score.  The more extreme the hatred, the better.  And if you can get someone playing the game to try to kill you, better yet. 

And, for those who like Ultimate Sports, there is the Who Would Kill You? Ultimatum Edition: If you are killed during the game, YOU WIN!

So, figure out who wants you dead, and play play play.

WHOM WOULD YOU KILL?: THE FLORIDA BOARD GAME

Recent events suggest that folks in Florida have become confused concerning the rules for Whom Would You Kill?

Killing young, black, unarmed males does not mean automatic victory unless you are playing Whom Would You Kill? The Klan Edition.

Florida has such a diversity of population that winning involves killing one of each group: one African American (5 points), one white Hillbilly (10 points), one white Retiree (10 points), one Jewish American (10 points), one Cuban American (5 points), one Seminole (5 points), one Spring Break college student (20 points), one Disney tourist family (30 points) , one South Beach type (35 points), one person with a fake tan (50 points), one person with too much bling (100 points), one billionaire (1,000,000 points), one homeless American (1 point), etc.

So, for all you Floridians who have already killed your one African American, congratulations, you've earned 5 points, now go out and kill some rich white Americans and others to increase your score.

SPRINGTIME KILLS

There's something about staring out the window and watching bees polinate my peach tree that makes my mind wander to killing. 

Now that the weather is nice and it is light out later, I feel so much more like going outside for a good kill.  I'm not sure why, but death by arrow seems so apropos, don't you think?

While I'm in the mood to shoot a fat person, they're simply too easy.  I mean really, how hard is it to miss a fat person on a scooter-chair (or whatever the fuck those things are called).  Now, consider the difficulty of hitting an anorexic meth head--that takes some aim. 

So my question for you is, do I take the easy shot, or go for the more challenging?

KILLING THE UNBORN

I am still stunned at how often religious wackos read this site, but a number of fundamentalists have asked the following question: does killing the unborn count as murder?

I am not sure why they CRAZY bother asking, unless they think somehow the Supreme Court would find it admissible or compelling, but I'll respond nonetheless.

NO, dumbass hillbillies, killing the unborn does not count as murder.  The pill doesn't count, condoms don't, nothing even remotely related to abortion or contraception counts. 

I see it in the same way as I do with Zombies: KILLING THE UNDEAD DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY DEAD, SO KILLING THE UNBORN DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE THEY ARE STILL UNLIVING.

I've come to the realization during these postings that I hate fundamentalist Christians, I hate idiots, I hate hillbillies, I hate the rich--WOW, I hate the entire Republican Party.

If you want a good kill, don't kill a fetus, kill a Republican.

KILLING PUTIN: RUSSIAN EDITION

Congratulations to all you poor souls in Russia.  It appears Mr. Putin has arranged to have himself elected emperor once again, and some of you must be wondering, Where is our Cassius, where our Noble Brutus?

Killing leaders is getting more difficult these days.  It used to be you just went out, bought a hand gun, and walked up to a leader and shot him (most have been hims--don't recall many female leaders being assassinated, although I assume some of you in Germany and the U.K. may have Angela Merkel or QEII in your sights).  Now, these paranoid potentates hide behind armies of bodyguards and bullet proof glass, so what is a self-respecting assassin supposed to do?

Glad you asked.  First, it helps if you're rich, then all you have to do is funnel millions into their campaigns, and they'll do anything you ask (pass legislation, pose for pictures, suck your dick...)

If you are part of the billions on this planet you lack the money, a little due diligence comes in handy.  Since most leaders like to pretend they are backed by the people, you need to figure out what people actually like the leader (generally, mindless saps in the military, because face it, what leader is going to teach someone how to kill efficiently unless he is sure that person will not use the same gun to foment rebellion.  So, buy a uniform at the local thrift store (or kill a soldier for his uniform and sew up the bullet hole), and then make sure you are part of the crowd the next time your leader appears.  Who would think twice about one soldier with a gun when the entire crowd is comprised of soldiers with guns.

So,  arghhh, hellp.... (whack, smash, head dented into monitor)
ALL BLACK....

AREN'T THEY DEAD YET?: THE BOARD GAME

The unbelievable popularity of the PMFD Board Games has led me to create yet another: Aren't They Dead Yet?

Have you ever been at a cocktail party and heard a name pop up in conversation, only to think to yourself, "Shit, I would have sworn that person had died"?  Or worse, have you ever mentioned someone in conversation, only to have someone else say, "Didn't you know, that person died six years ago?"

Well, let your faux pas be our board game.  The rules are simple: 1. pick a category (celebrities, politics, sports, family, etc.); 2. name a person that everyone within the group should have heard of (Cher, Gerald Ford, Mikhail Gorbachev, Castro, Billy Martin, Ariel Sharon, Billy Idol) but that you are not sure is still alive; 3: the group then votes after which you look up the person to see if in fact they are dead or alive.  The winner is the individual who selects the most celebrities who have died with the least number of people realizing it.

If this seems too simplistic, you can also limit yourself to entire casts of sit-coms (Gilligan's Island, Diff'rent Strokes, The A-Team, etc), or at family reunions, how about "Cousins."

Live Long and Slaughter

A RIGHTEOUS KILL

A number of readers have complained that killing is getting to easy.  Walk down to the local pawn shop or gun show, toss down $50, step outside and POW, dead person.  Even the art of the perfect kill only involves a little bit of effort and planning.  A homicidal malaise is spreading.

One individual reached his crisis of faith, and asked, "What would make a kill righteous again?"

Dear Soren:
I wanted to say that killing an evangelical would be a righteous kill, but I don't want to make light of a serious issue.  And so, the following is my well researched and contemplated response:

       Killing is too easy.  And it's rarely fair.  Too often killers shoot unarmed individuals, or large men kill smaller individuals.  To return murder to its origins, Cain the Vegetarian killing Abel the Carnivore, we must balance the field of battle.

        1.  You shall not kill someone who is not equally sized (or larger).
        2.  You shall not kill someone who is not armed equal to you (or better)
        3.  You shall not ambush someone unless that person has 24 hours notice and you adhere to the first two commandments.
        4.  You shall not kill from afar; you must be close enough to feel the soul leave the body.

I would add that for a truly righteous kill, you should fashion your own weapon or use your bare hands.  Our society has become so automated that we no longer take time to enjoy the simpler pleasures.  Murder should be one of them.  Go outside and find a good stick or rock and make your kill that way.  Then, write me and let me know how much better you feel.

BE RIGHTEOUS, KILL OLDSCHOOL.

WHOM WOULD NO ONE KILL: HIGH SCHOOL REUNION BOARD GAME

Please, don't stop reading.  I am NOT advocating peace and love.  Quite the contrary.  I am asking, who is so worthless that you'd not even waste a bullet on them. 

Now, every school has its drama.  The nerds hate the athletes, who in turn had the band geeks.  Everyone hates the preppy squad, who in turn hate the poor kids.  Everyone except the athletes hates cheerleaders, who hate the punks and goths.  Any member of those groups is expected to want to kill (or actually to kill) its nemesis.

What makes this game so exciting is that you have to remember the utterly forgettable kids whom no one cared enough about to like or hate.

           If killing a high school nerd raises the curve, then s/he does not qualify. 
           If killing a cheerleader allows you to make the squad, she doesn't qualify. 
           If someone is just so annoying or smelly that other students will thank you, s/he does not qualify. 
           Basically, you are looking to kill someone so invisible that even that kid's home room teacher won't notice his/her absence. 
           But of course, since that person is effectively dead already, that is WHO YOU WOULD NOT EVEN HAVE TO KILL.
           *NOTE: In all likelihood, that person knows s/he is effectively dead and will formalize the matter before graduation.

WWJK: WHOM WOULD JESUS KILL?: THE MYTHOLOGICAL BOARD GAME

Given the immense popularity of TPMFD's first board game, "Who Would You Kill?: The Historical Edition," I have decided to release a second game, sure to be even more challenging than the first. 

"Whom Would Jesus Kill?" is designed for to push the limits of theology.  While novices and evangelicals might erroneously assume that Christ would simply kill all the sinners, a close study of the New Testament might suggest otherwise.  Christ suggested turning the other cheek and told the rich they would not make it into Heaven.  Thus, would not Prosperity Gospel folks and televangelists be top on the list.  Jesus Kills Billy Graham, move ahead ten spaces.  Or better yet, Jesus Kills God the Father--you win.  Why would Jesus kill God?  Good question: if mythology has taught us anything, it is deities are never satisfied with their power--they all want to usurp the ultimate power.  History and Shakespeare teach us the same thing.  Why do you think we have such terms as deicide, regicide, patricide?  Or maybe Jesus kills the Holy Ghost out of jealousy?  The Age of Jesus passes with Paul and Pentecost.  And poor Jesus: we can blaspheme the shit out of Jesus and it's forgiveable, but noooo, blaspheme the milksop Holy Ghost and it's unforgiveable.  Did the Holy Ghost have to become human and get executed?  No wonder Jesus wants him dead.

For Non-Christians, we also have:
             "Whom Would the Dalai Lama Kill?" (Hint: he has a lazy brother in Tibet who sells cheap t-shirts with his brother's image on them, and the DL does not even get royalties.)
             "Whom Would Allah Kill?" (Hint: it's actually not the decadent West.)
             "Whom Would Jehovah Kill?" (Note: This game is also sold under the title: Whom Wouldn't Jehovah Kill?"
             "Whom Would Darwin Kill?"
             "Whom Would Krishna Kill?" (See Note for Whom Would Jehovah Kill?)
             "Whom Would My Dead Ancestors Kill?"
             "Whom Would the Buddha Kill?" (Hint: if the Buddha meets itself on the road...)
             "Whom Would The Great Spirit Kill?"

We are also considering other titles in the "Whom Would ... Kill?" franchise.  If you have ideas, and we deem them marketable, please let us know and you'll be able to share in our riches.

As always, two-thirds of the points are awarded for the explanation and your ability to convince your playmates of the righteousness of the kills.

LIVE LONG AND SLAUGHTER!

SUPER BOWL IS NOT VIOLENT ENOUGH

Football is so boring.  And since many of you would-be assassins reside outside the United States, consider these comments equally applicable to soccer/football. 

I've heard people consider footballers to be modern day gladiators, but come on?  When was the last time one team actually KILLED the other?  When was the last time the fans were actually asked if they wanted the loser to be executed?  Personally, when the Rams were in Los Angeles, I can remember countless times wishing that the visiting team would be merciful to us and just kill them off; fortunately, the team moved to St. Louis, but I'd still have preferred seeing them executed at mid field. 

And as for Premier League Football (soccer), instead of being relegated to a lower league, why not just execute the bastards.  It's probably more humane--honestly, after Relegation, isn't death the only honorable option.  Who wouldn't pay to see Blackburn or Wigan or QPR slain at midfield?  Toss in the coaches and owners as well and the towns might actually make enough money to buy some better players?

So how do we make the games themselves more exciting and violent?  Weapons.

Now, lest everyone run off and buy Uzis, to make this more sporting, each athlete must fashion his or her own weapon.  Swords, clubs, spears, maces, bows and arrow, Molotov cocktails.  Just imagine the complexity of the game as a player must try to pass or receive the ball at the same time that s/he must also try to deflect real blows.  No more diving--any player stupid enough to hit the turf would have to jump up immediately or risk decapitation!  And no subtitutions--only the dead can be hauled off the field (although I'd prefer leaving the dead on the field to maximize the psychological effect).

Oh, and for American football--NO PADS.  What is the point of a brutal sport if you are covered in pads and protective gear?   Enhance the VIOLENT ASPECTS of the games.  No helmets, no pads, no cups. 

And, we can all take a few lessons from the Black Knight in Monty Python's Holy Grail: if you have a limb or limbs cut off, play on: "It's just a flesh wound."

NRA SUCKS

Why, you are asking, do I not love the National Rifle Association?

Well, now that you ask...

First, this is the Perfect Murder for Dummies, isn't it.  If you are trying to get away with murder, why tell everyone you are in favor of easy access to guns for toddlers?

Second, the NRA is a bunch of panty-waists (no offense to you women readers, I hope), who insist they need multiple guns, Uzis, AK-47s just to feel safe in their homes.  Those Pansies.  A real man or woman could protect him- or herself and family with a rock and a knife like our cave-ancestors did. 

Third, I believe in killing, but the NRA does not have the guts to actually say what it wants.  If it really believes in the 2nd Amendment as its founding document, then put the entire amendment on their bumper stickers and explain the militia clause.  But if the NRA is really just a bunch of hillbillies who want to shoot up cans and minorities, then they should put that on their bumperstickers instead. 

Finally, I just plain think they are a bunch of redneck morons who should spend more time killing each other and less time annoying the rest of us.  To the NRA (if any of you can read): take your guns and a few six packs, and go play commando in the woods with your friends.

DEATH OF A SALESMAN: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

Having tried my hand once at retail sales--I sold Classical Music CDs in Houston--way back when CDs had just hit the market, I can tell you that Death cannot come quickly enough for a Saleman (I assume this is also true of Saleswomen).  I was fired before any disgruntled customer could eviscerate me--evidently I rolled my eyes at the manager when he told me to vacuum the floor.

So the point is, take pity on the poor schmuck trying to sell you some crap you don't really want--don't buy the crap, that only helps the rich owner get richer.  Put the bastard out of his (or her) misery with a bullet to the brain.  Willie Loman did not accidently kill himself.  He crashed his car on purpose.  His triumph is that he escapes the world while his family and boss are damned to live.

Willie Loman is the Great American Dead Hero.

No Salesman wants to live (especially travelling salesman, but that will be a later post).  Be Kind, Kill a Salesman (or two).

NEW TARGET: HAPPY PEOPLE

I hate people, but I hate happy people even more.

Face it, if your life is soooo good that you have to smile, then have the common decency to keep it to yourself.

I think it's only fair that if you walk around my planet, sucking up my oxygen, you should have enough respect to at least appear as miserable as I am.  (And no, my life would not be better with Jesus in my heart.)

So the next time I see some happy-assed ignoramus, s/he he'd better make sure it's worth dying for.

Turn that smile upside down and join the rest of us, or join Jesus. Your choice.

GINGRICH ANYONE?

As an ardent politico, I find great pleasure in the political process, but as an intellectual elitist, I am repulsed by the brain-dead Republican masses.

Palin?  Trump?  Bachmann?  Cain?  Perry?  Santorum?  Gingrich?  How disastrous does a pack have to be to make Ron Paul look sane?  Poor Romney (now that's an oxymoron if every I wrote one). 

Does the American public have a moral responsibility to step in when democracy fails?  While I cannot advocate political assassination (although advocating killing anyone else does not seem to bother Big Brother), I would encourage you to find where these imbeciles live and double park next to them, or park in front of their driveways, or kill their chauffeurs.  Don't let either the idiotic candidates or their moronic minions out until after the election.  Can we really tolerate any of them as President? 

Fight the Power, especially if it is stupid, sanctimonious, and named NEWT.

MIXER WITH THE HEMLOCK SOCIETY?

A few of you seem to have trouble interacting with people, and have asked me for relationship advice.  Ironically, I too have problems meeting people--it's why I started this blog AND why I tend to kill so much.

But, a friend of mine over at the Hemlock Society thought our two groups might hit it off well.  I am not sure what the Hemlock Society does--I think it's a botanical group--but it would provide many of you a chance to meet people.

Our first mixer will be planned for Mid-March in Portland, Oregon, so please clear you schedules.  It should be a blast, so start saving up.

More details as they become available.

TPMFD

MURDER IS DROPPING IN THE UNITED STATES

It is a sad day indeed when the news reports that murder has dropped out of the top 15 causes of death in the United States for the first time since 1955.

What has happened to American Exceptionality under Obama?  We used to be able to claim #1 status, but we have outsourced our Drug Wars to Mexico.  Murder in Mexico is flourishing: we fund their drug wars, ship them guns; WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE.  Just think how good it would be for out of work Americans to be able to get up each morning and go out and kill someone.  The unemployment rate would drop, population would be kept in check, and we could once more shout "We're Number One!" 

So the next time you feel the need to go out and buy cocaine, heroin, or even pot, ask your local drug dealer if your drugs are "Made in America" or supported by American drug cartels. 

There's no good reason why we have to let cancer and heart disease kill us off--if only more people supported good old fashioned murder, we could greatly reduce the number of people killed by cancer and heart disease.

We can do it, because we're Americans: We're Number One!

TOO COLD TO KILL?

I agree with a member that sometimes, it's just too damn cold to go out and kill.  Face it, staying at home with the heat cranked up, or a nice fire going, sure beats freezing one's ass off, especially if the kill is a slow, methodical job. 

Currently, it's 18 degrees, and looks like snow.  It would take a rather special kill to get me away from my opera, Berlioz' Les troyens, and I can't think of anyone that's worth that much effort right now.

However, what I find is that days like this make for good planning periods.  I can create lists and rank people I'd like to eliminate, I can create role-playing scenarios that might spice up a kill, or I can plan a warmer climate vacation during which I can take out a few poor saps (by poor, of course, I mean RICH--see previous posts).

For those brave souls for whom freezing weather is not a problem, you might consider that a snow storm provides excellent cover: it masks evidence, muffles noise, and slows down any potential pursuit (the cops are also less likely to want to go out in a snowstorm as well).  The adventurous murderer can execute a perfect murder, so long as s/he does not lock him-/herself out and freeze to death.  NOTE: I've always thought it would be fun to go on a murder spree costumed as a Yeti, but my hatred of the cold has prevented me from carrying this out; if any of you wish to try the Yeti-kill, please do and post your experience for those who choose to remain housebound and warm.

Happy Hunting,
TPMFD

KILLING SANTA-STYLE: AN APOLOGY

Some of you, and I adhere to a vow of confidentiality with my acolytes, did not read the entirity of the previous blog entry and thought I was advocating using chimneys as access points for their killing sprees.

Well, as you might imagine, a number of burnt asses, confused children, and stuck novices has forced me to issue a clarification.

DO NOT TRY GOING DOWN CHIMNEYS!