Ahh, there's nothing like overcrowded airports, airplanes, and shopping malls to bring out the urge to kill.
Let's ponder the opportunities presented by the season.
Going postal on the mall Santa Claus. Personally, this has always been a holiday tradition for me. Nothing screams pedophile like an old man who likes to have children sit on his lap all day.
Running over shoppers in the mall parking lot.
Leveling a midnight mass service.
Poisoning Santa's cookie and the reindeers' carrots (sorry PETA, but I hate the whole damn Santa story).
And if your holiday traditions are based in different faiths, please feel free to adapt your joyous killing season to it.
Remember the true Reason for the Season: Jesus came to earth so that he could return to destroy humankind. All we're doing is helping Jesus out by killing off people for him.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
SEXUAL ABUSER CLARIFICATION: PENN STATE CASE
After my posts about killing one's sexual abuser, it appears that most readers assumed this only applied to Boy Scout Leaders and Catholic priests. Therefore, I am issuing a clarification of the matter.
Next time you see or hear about some kid (boy or girl) getting sexually molested, raped, fondled, or whatever Paterno thought was okay, here are the rules for action.
1. Beat the HOLY SHIT out of the person.
2. Call the cops.
3. Tell your supervisor.
4. Repeat step #1.
5. Repeat step #1.
6. If your supervisor does nothing, beat the HOLY SHIT out of him too.
7. Repeat step #1.
Next time you see or hear about some kid (boy or girl) getting sexually molested, raped, fondled, or whatever Paterno thought was okay, here are the rules for action.
1. Beat the HOLY SHIT out of the person.
2. Call the cops.
3. Tell your supervisor.
4. Repeat step #1.
5. Repeat step #1.
6. If your supervisor does nothing, beat the HOLY SHIT out of him too.
7. Repeat step #1.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
KILLING RICH FOLKS
Since I have been informed that we are now involved in a class war, I figFaceure that killing is now justified and legal.
Remember all the hullabaloo about whether the 9/11 attacks were a terrorist attack or an act of war (the insurance companies evidently covered one but not the other). Well, if we're in a class war, then killing the rich is OK! Didn't God say somewhere that killing was fine as long as it was during war--or was that the Department of Justice? Either way, as long a you kill a rich person IN UNIFORM (any suit that cost more than $500 would suffice--personally, I'd say any suit that cost more than $200 would count, but some Republicans no longer consider a million bucks per year enough to qualify as rich, so we'll be conservative--ouch, that even hurts to write).
Okay, so, the point is, KILL THE RICH, KILL THE RICH, KILL THE RICH. It's an act of war, and the Bible says that the rich are doomed to hell (remember the rich man getting into heaven and the camel getting through the eye of a needle comparison?).
Face it--the politics of the rich are killing off the poor, so isn't it about time we get a few shots in?
Remember all the hullabaloo about whether the 9/11 attacks were a terrorist attack or an act of war (the insurance companies evidently covered one but not the other). Well, if we're in a class war, then killing the rich is OK! Didn't God say somewhere that killing was fine as long as it was during war--or was that the Department of Justice? Either way, as long a you kill a rich person IN UNIFORM (any suit that cost more than $500 would suffice--personally, I'd say any suit that cost more than $200 would count, but some Republicans no longer consider a million bucks per year enough to qualify as rich, so we'll be conservative--ouch, that even hurts to write).
Okay, so, the point is, KILL THE RICH, KILL THE RICH, KILL THE RICH. It's an act of war, and the Bible says that the rich are doomed to hell (remember the rich man getting into heaven and the camel getting through the eye of a needle comparison?).
Face it--the politics of the rich are killing off the poor, so isn't it about time we get a few shots in?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
NOTES FROM A COMA
Turns out a boy scout trying to earn his mime badge got the drop on me. I've been in a coma for most of the past year. Thanks for asking.
Well, I'm still in the hospital, but at least I am able to post. Wow, what have a missed! Obama takes out Osama (bet George Jr must be jealous).
And some Norwegian Christian terrorist xenophobe killed a bunch.
Anyway, in my quasi-lucid coma state, I have been thinking of new murderous opportunities.
Question: If you kill a Tea Partier, can the prosecution use science during the trial, since they clearly do not believe in?
For example, if one pushes Perry off a cliff, is not God the one who kills him, since Perry does not believe in science/gravity, but instead believes that God is the one who really controls the goings-on of the Earth?
Well, I'm still in the hospital, but at least I am able to post. Wow, what have a missed! Obama takes out Osama (bet George Jr must be jealous).
And some Norwegian Christian terrorist xenophobe killed a bunch.
Anyway, in my quasi-lucid coma state, I have been thinking of new murderous opportunities.
Question: If you kill a Tea Partier, can the prosecution use science during the trial, since they clearly do not believe in?
For example, if one pushes Perry off a cliff, is not God the one who kills him, since Perry does not believe in science/gravity, but instead believes that God is the one who really controls the goings-on of the Earth?
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