HIGH SCHOOL REUNION: THE MASSACRE EDITION

As my 30th High School reunion approaches, I was struck by a strange thought--why are there not more high school reunion massacres?

I have religiously avoided my high school reunions for one simple reason: I hated my classmates, the school, and all it stood for.  Why would I want to see any of them again?

But then I had a "Duh" moment: here I am, editor of the blog TPMFD, and I am missing the perfect mass murder opportunity.  I could in one fell swoop eliminate scores of people I detest.

Since I am sure that many of you hated high school as much as I did (if you were popular, then be forewarned), I have provided possible scenarios for revenge.

1. The Columbine Classic: take a bunch of automatic weapons and simply shoot everyone.  The weakness of this approac is that it generally ends up with your suicide or capture.  You might consider wearing a football uniform or cheerleader outfit so that if anyone survives or witnesses your caper, they'll assume it was someone else.

2. The Jonestown:  Poison the punch.  No one looks twice when someone at these shin-digs spikes the punch, so get a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, who does not approve of this site or mass murder, (if you try this with a Smirnoff or some other crappy vodka, no one will want to drink the punch), and then drink half the bottle and replace the remainder with a cyanide solution.

3. The Pot Brownies:  this is a new approach, that has yet to be copyrighted, so please, if you use this, make sure NOT to cite this site.  Whip up a few batches of pot brownies, and make sure to add a little hemlock in with the hemp.  Don't tell people outright that they are pot brownies, but whisper to someone you know has a big mouth, "I think these are special brownies, you know what I mean?"  Soon, everyone will know and will be munching away. 

Slip quietly away, and voila, the trauma of high school will dissipate and you'll be able to celebrate the next reunion alone, or with those who avoid reunions for the same reason as you.

KILL SANDUSKY: THE ROADTRIP EDITION

Are there no self-respecting men (or women) in the Penn State area with rifles, handguns, or sticks?  This guy has been free on bail and still manages his smug camera smile.  For the price of one bullet, someone could save the state of PA the absurd cost of a trial, not to mention the risk of a trial in an overly pro-Penn State environment, where it's easy to imagine some ignoramus on a jury proffering the same excuse that Joe Paterno did (oh, I didn't think men could rape men--umm, what planet is that not possible on?).

Anyway, if folks in rural PA can't take care of their own problems, TPMFD will have to organize a road trip--and we'd even supply the sticks and steel-toed boots.

BRAIN KILLS: THE BOARD GAME

I apologize for the long hiatus.  Parker Bros has been keeping me busy trying to get some of these games to market, but for some stupid reason, their lawyers keeps mumbling about product liability.  Those bastards.  Someone should stick a shiv in their backs.

My new game is my most cerebral yet: basically, can you kill someone without even lifting a finger?  Now, for those of you who are successful telekineticists, this should be simple.  However, for the rest of us earthlings, the challenge is, how do we orchestrate events so that the victime kills him-/herself.  Clearly, humiliating someone so badly that they commit suicide has been done enough already, to you would receive ZERO creativity points.  Similarly, connecting a bomb to someone's ignition switch is cliche, and would earn you ZERO creativity points.  Think instead of a scenario like this: tell a frat guy that you'll buy him a case of BUDWEISER if he sneaks into the tiger enclousure and pokes the beast with a stick--make sure he knows that one of his frat brothers will have to post the proof on YouTube to get the beer.

Or tell a hillbilly that you bought a new, hi-tech gun that absolutely cannot fire if it's pointed at the person holding it.

We at TPMFD are always interested in winning gambits, so if you find a particularly successful maneuver, please let us know and if we agree, we'll post your results.  You'll also be entered in the million dollar sweepstakes* for best kill of the summer.  (No purchase necessary, but YouTube confirmation is required.).

*Contest void on planet earth and the Space Station.