As my 30th High School reunion approaches, I was struck by a strange thought--why are there not more high school reunion massacres?
I have religiously avoided my high school reunions for one simple reason: I hated my classmates, the school, and all it stood for. Why would I want to see any of them again?
But then I had a "Duh" moment: here I am, editor of the blog TPMFD, and I am missing the perfect mass murder opportunity. I could in one fell swoop eliminate scores of people I detest.
Since I am sure that many of you hated high school as much as I did (if you were popular, then be forewarned), I have provided possible scenarios for revenge.
1. The Columbine Classic: take a bunch of automatic weapons and simply shoot everyone. The weakness of this approac is that it generally ends up with your suicide or capture. You might consider wearing a football uniform or cheerleader outfit so that if anyone survives or witnesses your caper, they'll assume it was someone else.
2. The Jonestown: Poison the punch. No one looks twice when someone at these shin-digs spikes the punch, so get a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, who does not approve of this site or mass murder, (if you try this with a Smirnoff or some other crappy vodka, no one will want to drink the punch), and then drink half the bottle and replace the remainder with a cyanide solution.
3. The Pot Brownies: this is a new approach, that has yet to be copyrighted, so please, if you use this, make sure NOT to cite this site. Whip up a few batches of pot brownies, and make sure to add a little hemlock in with the hemp. Don't tell people outright that they are pot brownies, but whisper to someone you know has a big mouth, "I think these are special brownies, you know what I mean?" Soon, everyone will know and will be munching away.
Slip quietly away, and voila, the trauma of high school will dissipate and you'll be able to celebrate the next reunion alone, or with those who avoid reunions for the same reason as you.