KILLING YOUR SEXUAL ABUSER: THE BOY SCOUT EDITION

NOTE: The Boy Scouts do not approve of this site, probably because the ones doing the disapproving are all the leaders, not the scouts themselves.  Hmmm, go figure.


Now, for those of you who have scout leaders who are a bit too “friendly,” here is a foolproof way to get revenge and a badge of some sort at the same time. When your scout leader has you “in flagrante delicto” so to speak, continue until your scout leader is approaching climax: two reasons, the first is that the moments before climax will prevent him from any kind of awareness of what you are doing, and second, a big penis cuts better. With your hatchet (this is great thing about being a scout, you can carry around an ax and no one cares one whit), cut the offending member from the sinner (this is biblically sanctioned, so according to Matthew 18:9, you are potentially saving him from hell). What might surprise you is that you will probably not cut the engorged flesh entirely off—not to worry: whether or not the penis has been separated from the torso or not will not matter, the scout leader will be disabled enough that you will be able to escape. He will follow you (NOTE: do not drop your hatchet, it will be needed later), and you need to be careful not to run to fast. He will stumble and scream, but eventually, the loss of blood will cause him to fall to his knees. At this point, using the blunt end of the hatchet, smash him in the forehead (if you hit him on the top of the head, the evidence might suggest something other than self-defense). SECOND NOTE: there is a common misconception that the pointy end of the ax or hatchet is the killing end; all too often, this creates a glancing blow--the flat end of the hatchet is actually the best: it almost never glances off the skull, and if it does not crush the skull on the first blow, it should knock your molester out.

Remember after you knock said scout leader out to whack ‘em about four or five more times on the head. Some might call this overkill, but it sure feels good, and it will make it all the more harder to determine the first blow to the head. After he’s good and dead, kick him a few times, and then look for the drugs or alcohol that he gave you. Take a little, not too much, you don’t want to overdose. The extra intoxicants will provide you a solid defense, it will prove that you were drugged and give you an even better defense.

On the off chance that a district attorney tries to prosecute this—no one who wants to be reelected wants to look like they’re going easy on child molesters, there is no way that 12 jurors will be convinced of the story, especially if you wear your uniform with all your badges and medals on. What do you think the phrase “boy scout” means anyway?

P. S.: I know that there are a whole lot a little league players and altar boys who want to know how to apply this to their scenarios. For the baseballers, an aluminum bat works really well. For the Catholics, a big candle stick can’t be beat (NOTE: the communion wine bottle is not a good idea—it is too hard to get a solid grip and to make a knockout blow—there’s a reason that CLUE had a candlestick as a murder weapon but not a wine bottle).

P.S.S. I have no insight into Girl Scouts, so any input would be greatly appreciated.