A RIGHTEOUS KILL

A number of readers have complained that killing is getting to easy.  Walk down to the local pawn shop or gun show, toss down $50, step outside and POW, dead person.  Even the art of the perfect kill only involves a little bit of effort and planning.  A homicidal malaise is spreading.

One individual reached his crisis of faith, and asked, "What would make a kill righteous again?"

Dear Soren:
I wanted to say that killing an evangelical would be a righteous kill, but I don't want to make light of a serious issue.  And so, the following is my well researched and contemplated response:

       Killing is too easy.  And it's rarely fair.  Too often killers shoot unarmed individuals, or large men kill smaller individuals.  To return murder to its origins, Cain the Vegetarian killing Abel the Carnivore, we must balance the field of battle.

        1.  You shall not kill someone who is not equally sized (or larger).
        2.  You shall not kill someone who is not armed equal to you (or better)
        3.  You shall not ambush someone unless that person has 24 hours notice and you adhere to the first two commandments.
        4.  You shall not kill from afar; you must be close enough to feel the soul leave the body.

I would add that for a truly righteous kill, you should fashion your own weapon or use your bare hands.  Our society has become so automated that we no longer take time to enjoy the simpler pleasures.  Murder should be one of them.  Go outside and find a good stick or rock and make your kill that way.  Then, write me and let me know how much better you feel.

BE RIGHTEOUS, KILL OLDSCHOOL.