WHO WOULD KILL YOU?: YET ANOTHER BOARD GAME

Now that spring is in the air--although they are predicting an inch of snow tonight,  so it might be a good time to stay in and play this new game--we (meaning I) at the PMFD have created yet another board game!  WOW!  If only Milton Bradley or Parker Brothers would sponsor this site I could retire and spend all my free time killing morons. 

But back to the game: Who Would Kill You?  Personally, I am not so egotistical as to assume that many people even know who I am, much less know me well enough to want to kill me, although I bet those people who get stuck behind me at the grocery store check out line probably would stick a shiv in my liver (especially when I make the under-brained bagger go back and check the shelf price and then demand that I get the item for free when I have been proven right...).  But grocery store lines shouldn't count, neither do people whom you cut off on the freeway.

No, to achieve points in this game, you need famous or important people who want you dead. Family members who are itchin' to take you out.  Ministers, priests, pacificists.  The more people who want you dead, the more points you score.  The more extreme the hatred, the better.  And if you can get someone playing the game to try to kill you, better yet. 

And, for those who like Ultimate Sports, there is the Who Would Kill You? Ultimatum Edition: If you are killed during the game, YOU WIN!

So, figure out who wants you dead, and play play play.

WHOM WOULD YOU KILL?: THE FLORIDA BOARD GAME

Recent events suggest that folks in Florida have become confused concerning the rules for Whom Would You Kill?

Killing young, black, unarmed males does not mean automatic victory unless you are playing Whom Would You Kill? The Klan Edition.

Florida has such a diversity of population that winning involves killing one of each group: one African American (5 points), one white Hillbilly (10 points), one white Retiree (10 points), one Jewish American (10 points), one Cuban American (5 points), one Seminole (5 points), one Spring Break college student (20 points), one Disney tourist family (30 points) , one South Beach type (35 points), one person with a fake tan (50 points), one person with too much bling (100 points), one billionaire (1,000,000 points), one homeless American (1 point), etc.

So, for all you Floridians who have already killed your one African American, congratulations, you've earned 5 points, now go out and kill some rich white Americans and others to increase your score.

SPRINGTIME KILLS

There's something about staring out the window and watching bees polinate my peach tree that makes my mind wander to killing. 

Now that the weather is nice and it is light out later, I feel so much more like going outside for a good kill.  I'm not sure why, but death by arrow seems so apropos, don't you think?

While I'm in the mood to shoot a fat person, they're simply too easy.  I mean really, how hard is it to miss a fat person on a scooter-chair (or whatever the fuck those things are called).  Now, consider the difficulty of hitting an anorexic meth head--that takes some aim. 

So my question for you is, do I take the easy shot, or go for the more challenging?

KILLING THE UNBORN

I am still stunned at how often religious wackos read this site, but a number of fundamentalists have asked the following question: does killing the unborn count as murder?

I am not sure why they CRAZY bother asking, unless they think somehow the Supreme Court would find it admissible or compelling, but I'll respond nonetheless.

NO, dumbass hillbillies, killing the unborn does not count as murder.  The pill doesn't count, condoms don't, nothing even remotely related to abortion or contraception counts. 

I see it in the same way as I do with Zombies: KILLING THE UNDEAD DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY DEAD, SO KILLING THE UNBORN DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE THEY ARE STILL UNLIVING.

I've come to the realization during these postings that I hate fundamentalist Christians, I hate idiots, I hate hillbillies, I hate the rich--WOW, I hate the entire Republican Party.

If you want a good kill, don't kill a fetus, kill a Republican.

KILLING PUTIN: RUSSIAN EDITION

Congratulations to all you poor souls in Russia.  It appears Mr. Putin has arranged to have himself elected emperor once again, and some of you must be wondering, Where is our Cassius, where our Noble Brutus?

Killing leaders is getting more difficult these days.  It used to be you just went out, bought a hand gun, and walked up to a leader and shot him (most have been hims--don't recall many female leaders being assassinated, although I assume some of you in Germany and the U.K. may have Angela Merkel or QEII in your sights).  Now, these paranoid potentates hide behind armies of bodyguards and bullet proof glass, so what is a self-respecting assassin supposed to do?

Glad you asked.  First, it helps if you're rich, then all you have to do is funnel millions into their campaigns, and they'll do anything you ask (pass legislation, pose for pictures, suck your dick...)

If you are part of the billions on this planet you lack the money, a little due diligence comes in handy.  Since most leaders like to pretend they are backed by the people, you need to figure out what people actually like the leader (generally, mindless saps in the military, because face it, what leader is going to teach someone how to kill efficiently unless he is sure that person will not use the same gun to foment rebellion.  So, buy a uniform at the local thrift store (or kill a soldier for his uniform and sew up the bullet hole), and then make sure you are part of the crowd the next time your leader appears.  Who would think twice about one soldier with a gun when the entire crowd is comprised of soldiers with guns.

So,  arghhh, hellp.... (whack, smash, head dented into monitor)
ALL BLACK....