AM I GAY??

Some of you might think this is funny, but research shows that at least 18.3% of men experience an erection when they put a handgun down the back of their pants. The anxiety experienced by these men manifests itself in a pronounced homophobia and/or doubt, but what does it really mean? Does it mean you are gay?

The simple answer is no.  (You may be gay, but it has nothing to do with a gun in your pants.)

Some of you are concerned that it is a result of Viagra use (which adamantly disavows all connections with this site and placing guns down your pants), but there is no connection one way or the other. And if your gun-related erection lasts more than 4 hours, definitely seek the advice of a physician (but don’t mention the gun).

Others of you associate it with too much alcohol during extended periods of rubbing down the barrel of your gun while "cleaning" it (right, wink wink).

In response to your queries, if a long warm barrel down your ass doesn’t mean you’re gay, then what is going on? The worst it might mean is that you are a closet NRA freak, but other than that, never fear (as if you should worry about being gay—if only more serial killers and psychopaths would come out of the closet, our murdering society might not look at male homosexuals as a bunch of weak and effeminate fairies).

My advice: enjoy that rod down your backside, why do you think so many people stick it there? I mean really, that’s hardly the most convenient (or safest) place to stick a gun. Just make sure you have the safety on.

WARNING: the phallus-gun connection is just a metaphor—as much as you might think going all the way with your gun would provide even greater pleasure, having your ass blown off is simply not worth a few minutes of ecstasy and bliss. Experimenting with other men can be healthy and enjoyable, experimenting with your gun can mean a colostomy bag for the rest of your life.