BEWARE THE FALSE RAPTURE!!!

I just realized after posting the previous piece that I should warn you about an upcoming event that might lead to you killing without concern for perfection or prosecution.

A few of my evangelical contacts have let me know that a false Rapture has been planned for 2012.

A False Rapture, you say? Yes. A few fundamentalist Christian denominations have conspired to scare America back to God. I know this sounds fantastic (not the good fantastic, the unbelievable fantastic), but often the craziest plans are the ones that tend to work—remember Orson Welles and The War of the Worlds? Is that a coincidence, our collective fear of the end of the world makes us believe outrageous stories?

Anyway, the fundamentalists are choosing 2012 to coincide with the supposed Mayan end of the world (which in actuality is not apocalyptic, it is simply that their calendar does not go any further—it would be as if an alien species thought we believed the world would end on December 31). But since we Americans like to think the rest of the world is as apocalyptic as we are, we read 2012 as yet another Y2K or Chicxulub. Fundamentalists know Jesus would never return in 2012 because it would validate some pagan mythology. Non-fundamentalist Christians would believe it because of this movement towards Ecumenism, some idea that all religions share things in common and even that God is part of all religions. Pap, pure pap.

The False Rapture has been planned for two reasons officially (although I think this is really the brainchild of Lahaye and he wants to use it to sell even more books): to scare the non-Fundamentalists into belief, and to give the Fundamentalists a chance to laugh at the scared “left-behinders.” Some non-Lahayesian readings of the Tribulation suggest a mid-Trib Rapture or simply the Second Coming at the end of the Tribulation, so the False Rapture might also be an opportunity for the Fundies to make sure they have a safe room, a generator, and enough food for seven years.

So what are the signs of the times for the False Tribulation?

1. Your Fundamentalist friends stop inviting you to church potlucks (they’re using these events to plan)

2. The Bible verses that inundate your Fundamentalist friends Blogs and websites tell you to keep your eyes upon the Eastern skies, or that you will not know the day or hour of Christ’s return

3. The Bible on your Fundamentalist neighbor's coffee table is conveniently opened to Matthew 24, Daniel, or Revelations.

4. Your Fundamentalist neighbor invites you over for a beer—he will appear to have a beer (the Fundamentalists have actually been seen at recycling centers taking beer bottles to clean, fill with soda, and recap for this very purpose). Fundamentalists view ALL alcohol as a sin; they don’t even use wine for communion (symbolically substituting grape juice for wine seems significant, but I’ll save that for a different blog). Your neighbor will use beer to make him seem normal, and will then casually talk about all the strange “signs of the times”—earthquakes, wars, famine. OH MY GOD!!! WE’VE BEEN IN THE END TIMES FOR THE PAST 2 MILLION YEARS!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

5. Your Fundamentalist friend sends you the complete Left Behind series, again, but with this critical note: “Dear X, I can’t remember if I gave you these great novels—I was just reading them and thought they are so exciting. I know you like to read and thought you might like them. I’ll call you tomorrow, Peggy.” It’s always the wives who send books. The key elements in this letter are the reference to the books as “novels” (Fundamentalists generally refer to them as non-fiction, scripture, or prophecy) and the reference to “tomorrow” (this means that the False Rapture is planned for that day).  When you call the next day to "thank" her, she won't answer, and after a few days, you'll start to wonder where she is. (Or you'll be glad to have the quiet.)



So how will they pull this off? Quite easily. First, they all simply go down in their secret rooms and don’t communicate with the outside world. A number of the men will crash their cars into telephone poles or other cars, leave rumpled clothes and personal effects on the seats, and then sneak back home. Inside, pajamas will be left on the beds, coffee pots will be left on—basically, the house will look like the inhabitants were Raptured. (Lahaye believes that those who are Raptured have time to neatly fold their clothes, but that seems stupid. He also thinks pace-makers, fillings, and other parts get left behind as well. What he doesn’t mention is what happens if a Christian dies and donates a heart to a sinner—where does the heart end up; or worse, what happens if a sinner dies and donates a heart to a Fundamentalist—does the heart stay in the bed or get to go to heaven? Answer that, Lahaye.)

Eventually, people will wonder where these Fundamentalists are, and then they’ll remember those stupid books and videos the Fundies sent them about the Rapture and will stream to the churches to repent. Then, after the entire country, nay world, has come to its knees, the Fundamentalists will return and everyone will praise Christ.

Or, the non-Fundamentalists will be so happy that the Fundamentalists are gone, they will celebrate and come together in peace.

Oh, one other thing. 2012 may be chosen because it’s an election year as well and the Fundies might use it to swing the electorate to the Tea Party. Sarah Palin as President (I wonder if that would put her in place to be the AntiChrist?)

Beware the signs of the False Times.