HONEY I KILLED THE KIDS

(Disney disavows all connection with this site)

Between the hate mail I receive from nuns for proposing killing Mother Teresa and the tales of creative kills, I have been receiving a bounty of interest in infanticide. Yes, children.

And, it turns out, most of the interest is from women, mothers. The problem is a few dim bulbs have ruined infanticide for the rest of you. If only the early murdering mothers had been a bit smarter and had not been so obvious, then police would not know to suspect the parents first. But be not disheartened, The Perfect Murder has discovered some provocative possibilities.

First, ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends make great suspects, and instead of blaming a fictional black man, create a far more viable suspect in an ex whom you hate anyway or a current partner that you don't mind disposing of. Kill two birds, so to speak (especially in a state with the death penalty). And don’t go on TV unless you can really fake tears. People will actually believe you more if you lock yourself in your trailer in grief.

For those of you who don’t want to blame your ex or current partner, you need a different patsy. For this, you need a bit of subterfuge. First, create a nemesis for your child(ren). Then, find a way to provoke the nemesis’s parent into a public confrontation with your child(ren)—parks and playdates are excellent for this. Then, when your child disappears, people will remember that a neighbor parent was aggressive toward your child. Let justice run its course.

While women seem to want to kill their own kids, men tend to want to kill other people’s kids. The upside of things is that the same theory that prevents you from killing your own kids allows you to kill someone else’s. We can imagine why a parent would want to kill his/her own kids, I mean really. If you have kids, you know that they can press ALL your buttons at the same time, scream incessantly, make messes, hit their siblings, break your computer, and you can’t even smack ‘em anymore. Honestly, maybe letting parents smack their kids a few times would temper the anger so that the poor parent doesn’t have to drive them into a lake. Just a thought.

But back to killing kids. While we understand the desire to kill our own kids, we usually don’t feel the same about other people’s kids. Well, actually, even as I’m writing this I can think of a few neighbor kids I’d like to kill. Teenage boys—for that matter, even men up to 27 seem to act the same. I mean really, who doesn’t find them annoying (except maybe their beer-drinking dads who encourage their behavior). I bet if you took out one of those kids, the mothers and the rest of the neighbors would be grateful enough that they’d all state that the boy is living with his aunt and uncle in Switzerland. Or they’d throw a block party with you as the guest of honor.

I’m sure I’ll be getting hate mail from all those saccharine bloggers who feel it’s their duty to have their smiling families be the subject of a blog that no one wants to read, that no one should have to see. Why aren’t those sites blocked—that’s more offensive than porn. I hate happy people, especially happy people who make me see their happiness. Keep your happiness in the closet, damn it.