I get this question at cocktail parties a lot, why murder? Why not arson or burglary or forgery or parking in a disabled spot?
For me, it is a matter of accomplishment. When I am on my deathbed, begging to be put out of my misery (see the Terry Schiavo Paradox), I want to know that I made a difference, that I accomplished something worthwhile.
I like fire—don’t get me wrong—but arson is about the moment, feeling the heat, watching the flames. It’s great, but then the fire department comes and douses the flames, and the building is eventually rebuilt, generally better than it was before. Where's the sense of accomplishment in that?
And burglary, that is just a waste of time unless you’re a crackhead. You face a great risk with little reward—all the real money is in banks, and they’re covered in cameras. The only places with money tend to be convenience stores, and the clerks there all are armed. Too much work and risk for $68 and change.
Forgery is fun, but if you are successful, no one ever knows a crime was committed—now what kind of story is that to tell the grandkids. “Sure grandpa, you passed a million dollars in fake $20s. So why do you live in such a crappy rest home?”
Murder, what we often just call the Big M, is the crime to do. You’ll end up with followers, fan clubs, marriage proposals (and just casual sex proposals). When was the last time a jaywalker got laid?
Aim high, make your grandkids proud. So don’t screw it up—the one thing worse than your grandkids not admiring you is if they think you’re a fuckup—MAKE SURE YOUR GUN IS LOADED AND POINTED AWAY FROM YOURSELF.
What about plagiarism? Is that a worthwhile crime? My teachers tell me it's the worst thing I can do while in college, so it's BAD, right? Please let me know, I have a sociology paper due tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteTHanks,
Alex Hughes, Penn State
KAPPA SIGMA ROCKS!!
Oh shit, can you delete my name if my prof reads this.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous reader.
I live in a retirement community--that's what my ungrateful children call it, but it's a rest home, and I don't find it either restful or homey--and I would like to explore my felonious options before I pass on to the other side. Simply smothering my peers seems so merciful; I want to do something EVIL before I die. Any ideas? I use a walker, so my mobility is limited, but there are more than a few nurses I'd like to take out, if you know what I mean (wink wink--I still don't know how to make those damned emoticons work, blasted technology).
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Emma R.
Monrovia, CA
Dear Miss Emma,
ReplyDeleteI am ecstatic to hear that some of our golden readers are so interested in this site and its wonderful opportunities.
My first suggestion would be to master the "comatose" look. You'll find that nurses are far more likely to leave filled syringes around a "comatose" patient than a coherent one. Once you have enough syringes, you may inject your troubling nurse into the hereafter. And face it, who'd ever suspect the poor, innocent great grandmother? And even if they did, how long would it take to prosecute versus how long do you have left--sounds like an ideal scenario to me. (wink wink--I haven't figured out these emoticons either, Emma.)
Please let me know how it goes,
Sincerely yours,
The Perfect Murder
I can't believe you're encourage old people to kill. I'm sure glad my mother doesn't have Internet access at her retirement community. Don't you have any morals? I can't wait until one of your readers kills you.
ReplyDeleteMargaret
Boise, ID