THE DEATH METAL CHARADE

I feel so let down. When I was first introduced to Heavy Metal’s most promising sect, Death Metal, I could feel that long dormant child in me reawaken. It was as if I were four again, getting my first knife, holding the hilt, fingering the blade. Or I was six, and I got my first Glock for my birthday, and they went out back to empty out a few clips.

Just hearing the names of the bands, Visceral Bleeding, Molotov Solution, Massacre, Torture Killer, Decapitated, and so on, I believed they would be the ones to slay the Polka Kings in my head. So much promised, but where are the body bags?

I’ve written to these and other bands, asking for explanations for their egregious failure in terms of “mega death”—I’d be content even with a “little death.” Would you believe I got letters back from their attorneys? ATTORNEYS?? Yes, it turns out all these promises of death and mayhem are “entertainment” and “not intended as a contractual agreement” and “does not intend implicitly or explicitly to encourage its fans to participate in or support the injury or death of another.” Can you believe this?

I think I might have to start liking rap. At least all this East Coast/West Coast stuff ends up with bodies, but they so lack the names and album covers of Death Metal.

Or maybe I’ll go back to opera. One of the greatest secrets in the musical world is the number of murders of and by opera composers and singers. Composers killed for bad scores by the raving fans, composers killed for great scores by jealous colleagues, singers killed by understudies wanting that big break, music writers killed for bad reviews. I’ve heard rumors that a Finnish composer is trying to make a meta-opera about operatic murder, and there might even be a real murder written into the libretto. I don’t know whether the singer or musician to be killed will know s/he will die, or if the murdered role will change each night, or whether that role will in fact be highlighted. I mean what better way to go out that on stage—talk about instant celebrity!!

DEATH METAL SUCKS!  GIVE ME DEATH OPERA ANY DAY!!