Before you set out on your first kill, you need to decide what kind of killer do you wish to be. Among the many possibilities are the Artiste, the Academic (which is my Facebook group), the Avenger, the Genius, the Sociopath, and the Psychopath, among others.
I’ll begin with the Artiste, since most novice killers, except the Avengers, like to think of themselves as Artists. Now, the distinction between Artist and Artiste can most easily be answered with one question: when you kill, are you wearing all black, including your beret? If yes, you are an Artiste.
When the Artiste first meets his or her target, s/he will be drowning in French affect, tossing out random French words and feigning disinterest. Once the kill has been made, the Artiste will stage the scene, creating tableaux vivants—ha ha, no, I guess they would be momento mori. A particular favorite is David’s Death of Marat—it’s pretty straightforward and only involves one kill at a time. A slightly more complicated staging that draws the Artistes is the Isenheim Altarpiece of Matthais Grünewald—something about the syphilitic body of Christ really draws a following. The more advanced Artistes have been known to try Rembrandt’s The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicolaes Tulp—which includes an autopsy within the work. Others have done the final scene from Mozart’s Don Giovanni. The most impressive of all Artiste works was one which tried to execute the entire Last Judgment of Michelangelo. Unfortunately, the Artiste could not keep his assistant quiet, and was eventually caught with only about a third of the work complete. Nonetheless, this individual set the bar high—we in the community admire grand designs, even if they do not always succeed. I’d trade a million Marats for one half finished Christ’s Entry into Brussels by James Ensor.
If you do create a momento mori, remember to take a picture of it. Police do not understand the beauty of art or even recognize it—Marat who?—and will generally move stuff around. Or, they simply fail to photograph the scene from the proper perspective, making it look like just another crime scene. Take your pictures and share them with fellow Artistes.
NOTE: No clowns, cutesy stuff, kittens or kitsch. Or Jeff Koons. Only REAL art.
I've been working on Leonardo's Last Supper, but they keep falling flat on the table like they drank too much of the wine. Any ideas? Oh yeah--I killed the Jesus guy first, and he's gettin' kinda ripe. Is there anything I can do to keep him fresh?
ReplyDeleteThanks,
Gustave M.
Hey, I'm working on a Leonardo too, his Virgin of the Rocks (the British National Gallery version), but I don't want to kill babies--do you think midgets would be okay? (Or is it dwarves, or little people--what the hell do you call them? I don't want to be offensive).
ReplyDeleteThanks,
Regina E.
Gustave and Regina,
ReplyDeleteI am thrilled that you are working on such wonderful pieces. I think people today just don't appreciate the classics, the truly great works of art.
Gustave, as for the stinking Jesus, I've found that simply hanging an air freshener (the kind they sell for cars) works pretty good for about a fortnight (and you can even get air fresheners with Jesus on them--that seems respectful--you sure don't want an air freshener with a pot leaf on it). And as for the drunken disciples, if you have a stapling gun, you can staple their clothes to the backs of the chairs.
Regina, as for the dwarf/midget/little people question, it turns out they mean different things so I can't be of help there. As for the idea itself, I think that's great (I don't advocate killing babies much either). Oh wait, are midgets the ones that look like they have Down Syndrome--whoever those ones are would probably make the best Baby Jesus and Baby John the Baptist.
Both of you, kudos and let me know how they turn out.
Michael