SECRET SATAN: THE HIT LIST

Wow, you would not believe the angry email I received over debunking Strangers on a Train. That said, the last thing I want is a bunch of pissed off, would-be murderers.  Seems like everything I write manages to infuriate someone or other--where is the appreciative mail for providing a much needed service?  Complain complain complain.

Unless you grew up fundamentalist, you've probably never heard the conspiracy theory that Santa and Satan were the same person because you only had to change the position of the letter N. I can’t believe that it was adults who were propagating that theory. I’m sure glad I’m no longer six and stupid.  (I wonder if Satanists tell their kids that Satan is holy--what Santa actually translates as--because his name and Santa's differ only by the position of the letter N?--or does Satan bring presents, and Satan wouldn't even need the red suit.)

Anyway, the Santa-Satan legerdemain (slight of hand sounds so sexy in French) provides the intellectual germination for this reinvention of a Christmas classic.

As we have seen, Strangers on a Train is a murder stratagem with a high potential for failure. But killing random individuals does not provide much satisfaction, and it does not eliminate the people we would really like dead. To that end, after much research and experimentation with computer models and lab tests on rats, I have come up with a foolproof (or at least dummie-proof) scheme: Santa’s Secret Hit List: Or, Damn Were You Naughty.

The model is based on the much loved office ritual, Secret Santa, where individuals randomly draw names of other office workers, for whom they then buy such memorable presents as the velvet red earmuffs that blast accordian renditions of We Three Kings, the Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer thong, or the Bonus-Pack Pregnancy Tester. Fortunately, those offices parties are usually provided with enough alcohol that no one cares if they are the ones who receive said gifts. We, however, pride ourselves on a job well done. Quality.

We have calculated that with a mere 1,324 individuals, Santa’s Secret Hit List will work. If each of the 1,324 individuals submits a person s/he wants killed, and an assurance that s/he is willing to kill someone else, then our computers will be able to match individuals with targets in their geographical areas (generally no more than 70 miles away) whom they’ve never met and who do not live in their towns. Since no one will know whose target they’ve received nor whose they have, for all practical purposes, these are random murders, and neither party can squeal on the other. Only a computer in Switzerland (where vile deeds end only in very short house arrests) will know who killed whom, and the Swiss government has assured us that murder is not an extraditable offense, even for computers.

If you think 1,324 individuals is prohibitive, I can assure you that the interest in this plan has well exceeded that number already. Santa’s gonna have a busy Christmas.

Please send your name and address and the name and address of the person you would like dead for Xmas (ANOTHER NOTE TO FUNDAMENTALISTS: no, I am not trying to “X” out Christ, I am using the early Christian shorthand, which replaced the word “Christ” with the Greek letter “chi,” or “x,” as in ΙΧΘΥΣ—the Greek letters in the bumper sticker fish. See also Xianity: For Dummies.)

Send to:

Pixie “The Trigger” Elfman
c/o Santa Claus’s Workshop
13 Drowning Polar Bear Lane
North Pole

*Entries must be received by November 1 to be eligible for this years slaying (ho ho).  Only one entry per supplicant.  Successful supplicants will receive their targets by Thanksgiving.
**Do not send your letter during the summer or early autumn, since global warming has made the place a bit wet lately.