DEATH BY CHOCOLATE: THE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT

To begin with, I must say that if anyone else sends me an email about killing with chocolate, I will have to go postal on you. (Note: The U. S. Postal Service does not support this site; furthermore, it also takes offense at the idea of “going postal.” They suggest “goin’ gangsta,” “going mobster,” or “going housewife.”) This site is for dummies and above—you’d have to be stupid to think giving someone a delicious dessert would kill them, all that will probably happen is that they’ll give you a hug or maybe want to have sex--hardly murder.

However, a promise is a promise. I have been talking with my lawyers, and we have decided that “Death by Chocolate” appearing on a menu constitutes a written contract between the restaurant owner, bar owner, or sundae parlor owner and the person making the order. Thus, my lawyers have told me, this constitutes breach of contract, if not outright fraud (if they know their desserts won’t kill, then we can sue for fraud). So if we can get originals of the menus from all the restaurants which promise “Death by Chocolate,” we’ll have an excellent case and will include them as defendants. NOTE: if you have receipts from the restaurants and can prove you are still alive (or the person for whom you bought the dessert), you too can be added as a plaintiff in this action. If we can bring this suit against all purveyors of said desserts, we can sue for billions. This will make the tobacco settlement look like chump change.