KILLING WHILE WORKING FULL TIME

I know that many of you have full time jobs, work multiple jobs, and/or have families that prevent you the luxury of free time in order to kill. I have assigned this dilemma to some of my top assistants, and they have provided the following suggestions. I think they should allow all of you the opportunity to join our noble brother- and sisterhood.

1. Kill on the way to work. Not only will this be good for the earth, but it will also start your day on a high note. Trying to make a good kill on the drive home inevitably leads to sloppy work and increases your likelihood of being caught. Also, if you are not an early riser normally, wake up early for a week preceding your kill, and drink a moderate amount before your kill (too much might make you jittery). And make sure you bring a change of clothes, just in case things get messy.

2. Kill during your lunch break. If you are lucky and get an entire hour, you should have no problem fitting a good kill and a good healthy lunch in that amount of time. If you only have thirty minutes, you might be forced to wolf down that sandwich as you drive to your target. DO NOT TRY GOING TO A DRIVE THROUGH (AND NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE SPELL IT AS SUCH, THROUGH IS NOT SPELLED THRU)—NOT ONLY IS THE FOOD BAD FOR YOU, BUT IT ALWAYS TAKES LONGER THAN YOU THINK IT WILL. You don’t want to rush a kill—if you are going to kill during your lunch break, bring a sack lunch.

3. Kill one of your co-workers. While it might save time, it does raise the risk of getting caught. The good news, however, is that there are usually enough people at any given company that hate a certain person that you are not likely to be singled out. NOTE: this means that if you are known as the person who hates your target most, you will be brought in. If someone else hates your target more, you should be okay. SECOND NOTE: don’t kill a colleague if there are less than ten people who work at your company—cops can handle nine potential suspects, but once the number hits double digits, the math gets too complicated.

4. This final idea is a true example of thinking outside the box. I was so impressed with this idea, that I made the assistant my new vice president (somehow the last one just ended up dead one day—no one seems to know how or why). Get corporate sponsors for your kills—like those NASCAR uniforms and cars that are covered in logos. Get an outfit and tell companies that they can have space on your jumpsuit while you kill for a given amount of money. Gun makers, poison producers, euthanasia foundations are all possible sponsors. And think creatively—you might find that rest homes or mafia groups might also like to rent space on you. And then, you won’t have to work such horrendous hours. On a side note, you might also get some companies to pay NOT to appear on your car or jumpsuit, like Hallmark or Gerber.



Anyway, I hope this helps those busy Americans fulfill their dreams of success, wealth, and murder. And let me know if you have any other ideas on how to fit your kills in with a busy schedule.

TPM