KILLING DURING THE TRIBULATION

It appears that a number of Fundamentalist Christians are concerned about my immortal soul—more than just my family. I assume that they have found this site because Blogger assumes that because I mention God a lot and cite the Bible, it should connect me to Christian sites—ahh, the problem with certain algorithms. Anyway, I have received a number of comments and e-mails telling me I will suffer through the Tribulation, so I thought I would provide a Killer’s Guide to the Tribulation (this is not sanctioned by Timothy Lahaye, despite his attempts to control and make money off everything remotely connected to the End of the World).

Whatever Lahaye thinks he knows, I know more. I grew up on Daniel, Revelation, and Matthew 24. I have an apocalyptic pedigree on both sides of my geneology.

Lahaye is writing for a 21st Century reader who does not understand suffering. He creates an “age of accountability” at 12, where I was told by my grandmother, if I could say, “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take,” I was old enough to go to Hell. I learned that prayer by four. The last thing contemporary readers want to hear is six year olds suffering in the Tribulation. Boo hoo.

So back to the Tribulation. This is a mostly an idea within a few Fundamentalist circles. It is a period of seven years which begins with Christ rapturing his Christians (and by Christians, Fundamentalists mean just themselves—Anglicans, Lutherans, Presbyterians, Methodists, etc.—they all get left behind, and Catholics go straight to Hell). During this seven-year period, the AntiChrist has reign over the earth, and those who refuse to follow him are rounded up and eventually executed (maybe even by guillotines, if a certain “Thief in the Night” film is to be believed—and yes, Lahaye plagiarizes this source like he does a few others as well).

Back again to the Tribulation. If you are lucky enough to avoid Christianity’s stranglehold on Western Civilization, there is a great opportunity for killing. What Lahaye and others do not bother to mention is that killing during the Tribulation can be done without any concern for retribution, regardless of what side you are on.

Now, to begin with, I must state that Lahaye’s theology is shoddy. He claims to have a doctorate, but when you actually look it up, and see what he studied, you will see that it lacks a certain gravitas, you might say. (The only reason his books have sold so well is that fundamentalist churches have essentially told their congregations to buy copies for themselves to read and copies to give to their hell-bound friends [essentially, any Christian who is not fundamentalist is hell-bound] so that once they’re left behind, they’ll be able to read the book. Oh wait, this list was about killing. Sorry.) So, if you are reading this during the Tribulation, don’t assume that anything Lahaye says is true—he was out to make a buck (and is probably gone, unless God is ironic).

1. If the AntiChrist is stamping foreheads and hands, realize that your choice here determines whom you get to kill.

a. If you take the Mark of the Beast, you may kill anyone without the Mark.

b. If you do not take the Mark of the Beast, you may kill anyone with the Mark.

2. The wonderful thing about the Mark, what the Bible and Lahaye never tell us, is that it legitimizes murder. You are killing for your God or AntiGod. And better yet, you’ve already been sealed when you do it. (Lahaye’s dumbest plot element in his series is a visible mark for Christians—if he is right, then once you have this mark, you can do whatever the hell you want and you’re still saved, including murder!!!) Having the Christians be visibly marked (yet the non-Xians can’t see it allows a certainty of whom you can trust—if the Tribulation is truly to be terrifying and a tribulation, you should be able to trust no one but God.

3. Once the Mark of the Beast is applied, the fun begins. This may even be fun enough for Fundamentalists to forgo the Rapture just to get in one last blast of killing, because unfortunately, there is no killing in Heaven (God’s such a killjoy). Anyway, if you are one of the no-Mark folks, then killing those with the Mark of the Beast is good wholesome fun. Since these people are already going to hell, they it doesn’t matter. KILL KILL KILL!!! And if you have the Mark, it’s even better. You can kill ANYONE! Kill the ones without the Mark, and the AntiChrist will be your bosom buddy (NOTE: Tom Hanks does not approve of this site), and if you kill the ones with the Mark, who cares?—they’re going to hell anyway.

4. As much as I think this whole Tribulation thing is crap to scare the holy shit out of kids, it sure sounds fun.