SHUT THE FUCK UP, DUMBASS: TEXAS EDITION

In Texas, when juries are instructed, they are not given the choice of “Not Guilty.” It’s why the Pardons Review Board doesn’t care if your attorney was sleeping, drunk, disbarred, or incompetent—it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. In Texas, it’s either “Guilty,” “Guilty as Sin,” or “Guilty and We’re Gonna Kill You.” Regardless, the punishment is always the same, a nice trip up to Huntsville where you’ll be executed before your first appeal can be filed.

So when in Texas, avoid any contact with the cops. I can tell you the four times I encountered cops in Texas, and none of them was pleasant:

I was pulled over on an El Paso freeway for going two miles over the speed limit and given a written warning--if you're gonna drive through Texas, don't drive a car with plates from California or the North.

I had my car randomly searched for drugs, which seemed illegal but by then I’d learned that the U.S. Constitution was not valid in Texas--they claim something in the admission of Texas into the Union allowed it to disregard the Constitution.

I tried to explain to one officer at the DPS (what Texas calls the DMV) when I was trying to get a driver's license that “options” meant more than one, and learned that grammar was also not valid in Texas and that the stereotype of the redneck cop contains more than a grain of truth.  A friend had to drag me out of that place before I could even get my license.

And when my car was rear-ended (and I was blamed), that guilt and innocence are not absolutes—just guilt is.  Oh yeah, and get rid of the California driver's license too, although I never could figure out how to get a Texas license without getting clocked with a MagLight (which does, unofficially, approve of this site).

And none of these times even involved a felony—I could easily see that they were waiting for a twitch, a tic, some reason to hogtie me. It was in Texas that I first learned and used the phrase, Yes Sir. I guess my point is, when in Texas, you might as well kill someone because no matter what you do, they’re going get you. You might as well earn your trip to the lethal injection. But if you shut up, at least your trip to Huntsville will not involve your head being bashed into the hood of a cruiser.