ELMER FUDD FOR PRESIDENT OF THE N.R.A.

Since Charlton Heston died, the National Rifle Association has not been able to find a leader with the same charisma, dedication, and star power. After a respectful period of mourning, I began investigating individuals who could return the NRA to its declared mission of a gun in the hands of each grade schooler, so that no one would ever get shot at school again.

With that in mind, it struck me, what ever happened to Elmer Fudd?  I don't think he's been working lately, so he'd probably love to have the job.  He, more than anyone, taught generations of children that Guns Don’t Kill—I mean face it, how many times did he shoot Daffy Duck in the Face? All that ever happened was that Daffy’s bill would spin around, and he’d straighten it out, and the fun could begin again. Or how many times did Bugs Bunny tie Elmer’s gun in a bow, bend it around to should him, or stuff a carrot in it? And sure, the gun exploded, but all that happened was that Fudd’s face would get black, and then in the next scene, he’d be fine again.

Kids don’t see enough violent cartoons anymore. I think that is why our society is in such trouble these days. Why does Barney not bite the heads off of those insipid children he sings and dances with? If he did, kids would know not to trust theropod dinsosaurs, or old men who dress up and want to play with kids. Or Dora, didn’t we learn from Red Riding Hood not to go alone through the woods and talk to wild animals? Now kids think it’s okay to wander off all the way to Antarctica. And they think Latino parents are neglectful of their kids.

Bring back Tom and Jerry, let kids see that cats and mice hate each other, that if you blow off someone’s head, they can merely place it back on. And Wiley Coyote. He could inspire a new generation of engineers and inventors.

Cartoons that teach kids to read or respect others are a waste of time—let our schools worry about that. Besides, the kids aren’t going to get jobs in this economy anyway, so why should they even bother.

P.S. And if Elmer Fudd can’t get enough votes, maybe the original A-Team would run. They had the coolest guns and not a single one every killed anyone. I don’t think they ever even wounded anyone.
GUNS DON’T KILL, BLOOD LOSS DOES.