DON’T BE A LOCAVORE

Kids these days don’t know the value of hard work. They think all they gotta do is sit on their couch, point their gun out the window, and bang, a perfect murder. They don’t even bother to get up and make sure there’s anyone outside (about the only place this could even remotely work is one of those overpopulated metropoli like Mumbai, Tokyo, or Mexico City). Damn kids. At least in the 1980s, kids would drive around and shoot people out of their car windows.


If you want to commit the perfect murder, you have to do a little work, even plan. Think about it this way: if you are not willing to put in more work than the detective assigned to the case, then you run the risk of being caught.

So what does the locavore prohibition mean: cops tend not to travel very far from their favorite doughnut (and yes, dummies, this is how you spell doughnut) shop. You can generally assume a two doughnut and one coffee radius for the distance a cop will go (that’s how far s/he can drive before s/he has finished his/her doughnuts and coffee).  Make sure your target is outside that radius.  An added advantage is that if your target is in another police jurisdiction, the police will have to work extra hard to find you.  And what God-fearing American wants to do any more work than is Constitutionally required?

The locavore prohibition also keeps you kosher with Christ—don’t kill your neighbors (See earlier post, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?).

I know that many of you are environmentally conscious and are worried about adding more greenhouse gases to an already polluted world. I share your concerns and have spent many hours working up some possible solutions:

1. Carpool: if you place a flyer at your office for someone who is driving to the town of your intended target, you could get a ride. Similarly, if you and a friend both have targets in the same area, you could make it in one trip.

2. Combine errands: instead of making your murder trips the only destination, stop by the grocery store, drop the kids off at piano lessons, volunteer for Special Olympics.

3. Ride a bike: the distance to most murders can be managed on a bike. Make sure that your bike is in good working order, and pack your gun in a small back pack. However, when biking, make sure you wear cycling shorts—you don’t want a bad chafe to ruin a good kill.

4. Public transportation: in many areas, you should be able to find a bus, train, or subway to get you to and from your kill. If only more killers took advantage of public transportation, the air would be cleaner and the roads less congested.

5. Drive a hybrid or electric car: if you have to drive, don’t drive a gas hog like a big truck or SUV. Take your most fuel efficient vehicle. The earth will thank you.

These are just a few ideas on how to make your kills more earth-friendly. If you have discovered other ideas that could benefit both the killing community and the earth, please post them here. If all murderers would work together, the world would be a much better place. Thank you.