KILLING GREEN FAQs

I know that murder dates back to the first moments of our consciousness as humans and even long before that, but I think we owe future generations a better earth than the one we have been bequeathed. And to that end, I have decided to embrace the Green Murder Movement (not to be confused with the Green River Murders, which were not particularly green).


1: Can I compost the body?

MH: Not in your backyard compost bin. The rule for composting is keep meat and animal (human) parts out of the compost. However, humans do decompose very well. Remove the clothes, especially synthetic fabrics, glasses, and prosthetics. In a few generations, the slain will once again be one with Mother Earth.

Please do not throw bodies in the garbage, since our landfills are already full, and throwing bodies into waterways detracts from the natural environments.

2: Can I recycle bullets?

MH: Since many bullets have lead in them, we are encouraging people to take their lead bullets to their local recycling center or firehouse (you can get rid of your used lead pipes this way as well, although you should wash the blood, hair, and skin off with warm water and a mild, hypoallergenic soap). But if you do use lead bullets, please remove them from the slain so that the lead does not enter into ecosystem, either via scavengers or by leaching into the watertable.

For those of you who use bullets from earth-friendly companies, such as A Self-Righteous Kill, you can generally get a pre-paid mailer that you can use to send your used bullets back, where they can be made into playground equipment for underserved populations.

3: Guns or knives?

MH: In an ideal world, all murders would be done with hemp rope and pointy bamboo sticks, but unfortunately, they greatly increase the risks of injury, failure, and capture to the would be murderer.

However, if you do choose a knife, make sure you get it used, or you reuse it. Kitchen knives are always good, because they’ve had a life before you kill with it, and you can put in back in the kitchen drawer and use it again.

As for guns, always buy used (or steal them). A used gun saves resources, and if you buy it from a good source, it won’t be traced to you. Guns shows in Texas or Virginia are the best: for less than a hundred bucks, you can come home with a gun, and you can also grab enough free bullets out of the candy dishes to get the job done (remember, of course, grab only the eco-friendly bullets). And the best part, no one ever asks for a background check or ID, especially in Texas. (Gun-totin’ Texans adhere to the reading of the Second Amendment that says, No One Can Stop Me from Owning as Many Guns as I Want, and It’s No One’s Business Who Has the Guns—the drawback is that you’ll never find one of those Texans with eco-bullets.)

And when you’re done with the gun, please don’t throw it in a river or a landfill—it will take hundreds of years to break down in the environment, and even when it does, there are enough bad things in a gun that we don’t want in the environment. The best idea is to give it away. If you place it in a recyclable cardboard box, write FREE, and put in on a streetcorner in an inner city, the poor sap who has the misfortune of picking it up will now be the proud owner of a murder weapon. And the best part, everyone knows that it’s the inner city folks who do all the killing anyway. (Watch for the forthcoming posts: Whom Can You Frame? And Whom Can You Kill?).

4: Is there a preferred way to wrap a body?

MH: This is the “paper or plastic” conundrum of the killing world. Like the rest of society, we’d prefer you reuse your body bag, but for those of you who forget to bring your own, or can’t find a local vendor who carries them, here’s the conventional wisdom: unbleached canvas tarps will break down eventually into a beneficial organic mulch; and there are a few plastic bags that will bio-degrade when exposed to sunlight. 50 gallon drums are not recommended, neither the metal drums nor the plastic ones.

5: Is it okay to kill litterbugs and other polluters?

MH: I don’t think it’s prohibited anywhere in the Bible or specified in case law. My hesitation with saying yes is not that I have compunctions about killing, but that you feel the need to create a moral justification for your action—it seems to cheapen the act of killing.

Try to think about it this way: if you are going to kill someone, it would be splendid if that random individual just so happened to be evil. (See future postings: The Benefits of a Random Victim, and Please Don’t Kill the Next Gandhi.)

I’ll respond to more queries as I receive them. Stay posted.