HIT-WOMEN OF THE WORLD: I AM SORRY

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Wow, my gmail box filled up so fast on this one, a whole lot faster than when I pissed off the butlers and the hillbillies. Turns out the perfect murderer might be a murderess—oops, I mean MsMurderer. If I am to believe these emails and comments, which I have no reason not to, then most of the unsolved murders are actually committed by women, making women the more prolific and perfect of all murdering demographics. Since the police, the public, and even me, a pseudo-professional murderologist don’t expect the killers to be women, the women can kill with impunity. It’s brilliant, and again, women, I’m sorry.

I have been contacted by a shadow Russian mob, made up only of women, whose best killer is a 95 year old babushka nicknamed “Baba Yar.” She’s killed so many male mobsters that any time a mobster ends up dead, they blame it on “Baba Yar”—rumor has it she’s killed more than the number of her years.

There’s a Japanese syndicate, the Crane, out of Kobe that leaves origami canes on its targets. They control all the male prostitution in Japan and most of southeast Asia—and they routinely kill males who try to get in on their action or European and American men coming over looking for children for the sex trade.

And there’s a Tijuana border drug gang, The Daughter of Coatlicue (?), that specializes in smuggling morning after pills and counterfeit Viagra (once it gets big, it NEVER goes down—evidently a bunch made it into L.A., but doctors are not reporting it because supposedly a number of their board members are still “aroused”). Another, Las Chingadas are also eliminating the gangs that target women in Cuidad Juarez and the police and politicians that assist them or look the other way. Don’t mess with those chicas.

And the American women. Nowhere but America can you find such entrepreneurial spirit. While there are women’s social clubs like Guns and Glamour, most of the groups tend to be middle class suburban moms. One, Criminal Chicks, meets under the guise of the school PTA—in fact, they often refer to themselves as the Harpie Valley PTA. They said since men never come and never want to know anything about it, they’re free to do whatever they want. They even suggested that other PTAs consider charging for hits as well, especially during these periods of tight school budgets and poorly supported bake-sells and fundraisers. No one ever suspects the PTA, and no one ever complains so long as the money comes in. The most notorious, at least that I can tell, is Vagina Dentata, a loose-knit group of chapters in the Northeast (the more radical ones prefer the more vulgar translation, “Chewin’ Cunts) that targets rapists—they kill them and then cut off the penises and testicles. Their most daring and delicious action is that they sponsor July 4 picnics where they serve “bratwurst” and “sheep testicles” which are allegedly popular with mayors, prosecutors and attorneys, and police. I think their covers are scrapbooking and knitting clubs.

And then there’s a bunch of freelancers. Stay at home women who find housework and Oprah boring, that want a little more zing and ca-ching in their lives. Wow, I am summarily embarrassed by my utter ignorance on this topic, and sincerely appreciate the education I have received. Never again will I look at a woman as a sex object or a thinking individual, now I will see woman as adept and efficient killer.

So again, I am truly sorry not respecting or appreciating the murderous potential of the fairer, nay superior sex.

Does this constitute a re-evaluation of the femme fatale? God, I don’t understand all this reinvention, reconstruction crap. Can’t we all just be killers?

And if I have managed to piss off anyone else in this post, relax and wait a few days and I’ll be on to pissing off someone else.

And please don’t kill me.