ZOMBIES ZOMBIES ZOMBIES AND A VAMPIRE

Okay, it seems that the filter that is supposed to keep morons and imbeciles off this site and from emailing me is not working.

The Perfect Murder is supposed to be a SERIOUS forum for the discussion of MURDER. Now I know zombies and vampires are popular these days, even among the smarter segments of our coterie who seem infatuated with the cultural significance of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so I will discuss them once, and if any of you ask me about them again, I’ll have to block you from this site (or kill you).

FIRST: zombies, vampires, the Lucky Charms leprechaun, Frankenstein’s monster, E.T., God, werewolves, the gingerbread man: none of these is real!!! They are stories made up to scare you or to make you feel warm and fuzzy. Kill any or all of them, it doesn’t matter because they don’t exist (NOTE: make sure when you do, you are not killing someone in a costume—not that I have a problem with that, but you should at least know whom you’re killing. Oh, and don’t kill wolves, not even out of a helicopter, no matter what Sarah Palin tells you to do.)

SECOND: killing zombies, vampires, Frankenstein’s monster, or Christ (I think he should probably be placed in the zombie category, since he died and dug himself back out of the grave) wouldn’t be murder anyway, since all of them have already died.  However, should you ever have the opportunity to “kill” the aforementioned, the most they could really charge you with is desecrating a corpse (I don’t know what the punishment for that is, but it has to be less than it is for murder).

THIRD: if you do see the zombie of a person you already killed, it’s a trap, probably. Cops like to do this to evoke the “I thought I killed you” response so that they don’t have to do the real detective work like finding evidence (and they like to watch terrified people shit their pants--there's actually a few of these videos on YouTube). Confessions are so much easier. So if you do kill this “zombie,” make sure you also kill the officer hiding in the bushes with the camera and tape recorder, otherwise you’re on the hook for two murders.

Or maybe you just didn’t do a good enough job killing the person in the first place, and so s/he is going to screw with your mind, pretending to be the living dead, when in fact s/he is simply living with bad makeup. In this case, finish the job. There’s nothing that I hate more than wannabe murderers who can’t finish a job. (Well that’s not true, I probably hate the Tea Party folks more—it’s close. You know, if the Tea Party folks died and came back as zombies, would anyone be able to tell the difference?)