MURDERER’S DECORUM

Unfortunately, there are a few bad apples out there who give all murderers a bad name. Murdering has a fine tradition of elegant and sophisticated kills. Too often, murderers these days simply go for the jugular, so to speak. We need to reaffirm our commitment to the righteous kill, the beautiful death. And to that end, I have codified some rules that will help return murder to its more nobler and respected tradition.


Remember, when you kill, you represent all of us, not just yourself; you are part of a larger community. We are not just a bunch of bloodthirsty folks shooting willy-nilly into the crowd. We are better than that, and so, before you step out to kill, please familiarize yourself with these rules of the rod, ha ha (No, not even murderologists can pass up the opportunity at a bad pun).

1. Give your target the same respect you would want someone to give your grandmother (unless of course, your target IS your grandmother, in which case give him/her the respect of someone you really care about).

2. When possible, don’t kill from behind. Face your target, introduce yourself if they don’t already know you, and say, “Sir/Madam, it is my pleasure to kill you. I intend to make this as painless as possible, and if you find my actions satisfactory, please leave positive feedback on my site. Sincerely, . . .” and give your name. Killing from behind shows a lack of respect and a lack of faith in yourself. If you really want to kill someone, you need to believe in yourself, that you can get the job done.

3. If the first shot does not finish off your victim, have the decency to apologize for your shoddy work and then try again. As much as we don’t want people to think we are rude, we also don’t want them to think we’re incompetent.

4. Please, no matter what, do not use coarse language. Targets and potential witnesses find that rather tasteless. It makes us look like common thugs.

5. Please don’t smoke. You never know if your target has asthma or emphysema, and people just don’t like the smell. I know that in all the movies, killers wait in the shadows smoking a cigarette, but this is 2010. No one wants to die from your second hand smoke.

6. Please keep America Beautiful. After you kill, please clean up. No one likes stepping in blood or tripping over an old corpse (please see the Killing Green post on how to dispose of a body in the most environmentally friendly way).

7. Do not kill bystanders. That tends to appear gratuitous. If you are killing with witnesses around, you should not be subscribing to the Perfect Murder blog. We have standards.

8. Dress appropriately. No one will respect a murderer whose dress does not fit the occasion. Generally, a coat and tie (or pants suit) will do. However, if your kill is on the beach or at a ski lodge, more casual attire may be acceptable. Likewise, if your target is at a black tie affair, BUY A TUX—rentals always look cheap and you’ll never get in.  And, while we don't like to talk about mugshots, if you do dress well and are well groomed, your mugshot will be splendid, even facebook worthy.

9. Don’t brag about your kill(s). Bragging denigrates the purity of the kill. Besides, the more people with knowledge of your kill, the greater the likelihood of you getting caught (see future post, Shut the Fuck Up, Dumbass).

10. I really don’t have a tenth, but when has there ever been a list with only nine entries. Okay, here’s a tenth rule: if you are questioned, please respond, “Sir (or Madam), I humbly invoke my fifth amendment right, and would also like competent representation.” And then shut the fuck up, dumbass.