You have no idea how much my heart is warmed when I hear killers say “Please.” Politeness has become a lost art. I think if all criminals would make the effort to say please and thank you, hold the door open for their targets, use proper grammar in ransom notes, not commit crime in school and hospital zones we could remove the stigma associated with being a criminal.
My deepest apologies—the politeness distracted me. Back to the hillbillies. Now, officially, my lawyers have informed me, I can’t tell you to kill any person or group specifically—evidently the law used to prevent fundamentalist Christians from posting the addresses of abortion doctors and then telling their followers to kill them could be used against this site. And that law doesn’t even work—the injustice! By the way, I’ve always wondered, if Christians get to kill abortion doctors, whom do atheists get to kill? Any thoughts?
Sorry again. While I can’t say “yes” to killing hillbillies, I refuse to say no. What I can do is discuss the pros and cons and allow you to arrive at an informed conclusion (which, if you do not pick up on the subtleties of argument, is "yes").
To begin with, hillbillies are no better or worse than any other group (that made me laugh just writing it, good thing they can’t read this ha ha), so feel free to choose them “randomly” from any group of potential targets (and they’re not that hard to pick out ha ha).
Now, assuming that you can find a random hillbilly (hint: despite the name, they have also been seen in regions without hills--maybe that's why they show a propensity to place old appliances in large piles on their front yards, bringing the mountain to Mohammed, so to speak), there are some things you should consider:
1. Hillbillies tend to have lots of guns, so breaking into their trailers to kill them is not a good idea. Similarly, trying to kill them while they’re driving is not advised, because most pickups come dealer-equipped with at least one shotgun per passenger and driver. About the only place that you have a chance of catching a hillbilly without his or her gun is on his/her lawnmower (and even this is 50/50)
2. Hillbillies tend to live and travel in packs. It’s why they invented those trucks with extended cabs. Until they make the two-seater lawnmower, that’s still the best choice.
3. Hillbillies tend to live in areas where the sheriffs are also hillbillies, so get the hell out of the South once you’ve killed your hillbillies.
4. In most areas where you can find clusters or megaclusters of hillbillies, any action against a hillbilly can be tried as a hate crime. Now, this is actually a moot legal point, since in these regions the law is not a document but the badge. Once the sheriff realizes you are not a hillbilly, you will be thrown in jail (so make sure you do your killing BEFORE he sees you—that’s another sign you’re in hillbilly country—there’s no such thing as female law enforcement besides meter maids). You’ll be lucky if you make it to trial. If you don’t believe me, watch that great documentary about rural justice, Easy Rider.
5. You might think, based on the previous point, that a disguise would be the answer. However, hillbillies are not as dumb as you might expect. They have perfected the art of rural affect; have spent generations refining their gene pool, eliminating such unnecessary traits as intelligence; have worn their clothes and hats to just that degree of surrender that the Gap and Ralph Lauren have never been able to imitate; and have mastered the four Js of classic country: Jefferson Davis, John Deere, Jack Daniels, and Jeff Gordon. Personally, I find the hillbilly disguise the hardest to pull off successfully—I’ve been more convincing as an oleander.
6. In hillbilly regions, DO NOT CONCEAL YOUR WEAPON!!! They’ll know in an instant you’re an outsider. Just carry your weapon, fully loaded, wherever you go: grocery store, liquor store, bowling alley, church, tractor pull, school (ha ha—couldn’t pass that one up). Of course, if you have a small gun or knife, they’ll also know you’re an outsider. And don’t flinch if one of them points a gun at you—it’s generally not an aggressive act; when you have guns in both hands, inevitably one gets pointed at somebody.
7. And lastly, we really should not be referring to them as hillbillies; their preferred term of identification is “Ignorant Rural American,” as in, “I am very pleased to make your acquaintance, Ignorant Rural American.”
A writer, Bob, from Oregon has also requested information on hillbillies. He asks, "We don't allow hillbillies in our state, or foreigners, or Californians, or pretty much anyone. Where can I find one of these hillbillies?
Good question, Bob. I'm sure a lot of our readers would like to know this.
If your life experience has deprived you of the pleasure of encountering Ignorant Rural Americans, and you would to earn the right to draw a small chalk outline of a hillbilly on the side of your Prius, but you simply have no idea where to find one, I can provide some assistance.
1. Any state that was once part of the Confederacy or bordered it. Follow the Confederate battle flags and you’ll find a hive.
2. Any states with tornados. One of the great mysteries in meteorology is how to tornados know where the hillbillies live. So anyone that the tornado is following is a hillbilly, and surprisingly, the hillbillies are well known for jumpin’ in their pickups and chasing after them with their guns (don't ask).
3. Any state that uses the Texas School Board's Curriculum in its schools.
4. Any town that has more WalMarts than Starbucks.
5. Any area in which you see "JESUS IS COMING SOON: ARE YOU READY?" signs along the road.
6. Carnivals: both the folks attending and working them.
7. Any area where the phrase "higher learning" refers to 6th grade, beauty school, or clown college.
8. Anyone at a Tea Party meeting. Note to New Englanders: If they actually serve tea, it's not a Tea Party meeting, it's a tea party--I discuss killing stuck up rich folks in a later posting.
I am sure there are more ways to find hillbillies--oops, sorry--I mean "Ignorant Rural Americans," but that should get you started.
Happy Hunting.
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