KILLING WITH KINDNESS: UNTRUE!!!!

As your killing mentor, I feel it is my duty to debunk some common misconceptions about effective murder techniques. Therefore, I will periodically discuss some “murder myths.”


Sadly, much of what you learned as a child, either from your parents, your church, or your school, is untrue. I can remember being told, “Kill them with kindness.” I tried, and do you know what happened, NOTHING! In fact, it only made them bully me more. So stop being nice to the people you want dead, it simply is not going to happen.

It turns out, this isn’t even in the Bible. Damn Christians (church, school, family, etc.)!! In the never ending search to make the Bible easier for people to comprehend, they’ve taken Romans 12: 20-21 and made it into a Ben Franklin type proverb. “Therefore, if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink; for in doing so thou shalt heap coals on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (KJV). Like God ever does this with his enemies.



Other responses that don’t work:

Apathy: This only works if you are responsible for changing the feeding tube.

Bemusement: Never gonna happen.

Curiousity: Only for cats, but this website does not approve of the killing or torturing of non-human animals.

Denial: This is only effective when the person you want killed is yourself.

Excitement: People might act like they could die when the win the lottery, but all too quickly the reality of taxes and money-grubbing relatives sets in, and pretty soon, this becomes depression, which does kill rather well. The biggest problem with the excitement—reality—depression—death scenario is that there are too many steps. Each step increases the unpredictability factor, making this a poor choice for the perfect murder. It would, however, qualify for the “Damn-I’m-lucky murder.”

Fright: Definitely has the potential, but generally the only things that pack that much wallop are finding out you’re pregnant and finding out the woman you just had sex with is really a man. Neither of which makes for a good murder plot, however.

Greed: I wish.

Happiness: Happiness itself does not kill, it only makes other people want to kill you. So I guess the wisdom to be learned from this is, if you are happy, act miserable like the rest of us or we might want to kill you.

Incredulity: I don’t believe this has ever worked.

Jealousy: An excellent choice, but all too predictable. Jealous lovers and spouses and business partners: who do you think are the first suspects (or "persons of interest" when there is no obvious evidence)? And if you think making someone jealous will get them to kill themselves, the sad truth is that they are far more likely to hunt you and your conniving partner down and flay you, slowly. If you are jealous and want to get away with murder, you can’t act like it. You can’t act happy either. Act bemused: no one ever suspects the bemused individual.

Kindness: Discussed previously.

Laughter: While comedians think they can slay their audiences, they are more likely to bore us to death. Likewise others think laughter is the best medicine, but the AMA is noticeably silent on this as well.

Mercy: It’s even better than bemusal. It might not kill, but it creates a killer cover identity. Who would ever have suspected Mother Theresa? If you spend decades of your life bettering the world by caring for its most down-trodden, no one will ever suspect you if you happen to slay a few here and there. Of course, you must be careful, because once it gets out that this is the perfect cover, the cops are going to know that they can’t trust the Mother Theresas amongst us.

I’ll get to the rest of the alphabet later. For now, I’d suggest that you start creating your cover: give your worldly possessions to the poor (except your computer or phone—you need to be able to access this site when you’re ready to finally start killing) and work among them. NOSMT (No One Suspects Mother Theresa).