This question was sent to me by an anonymous reader in Beverly Hills: if I have a chance to run over a homeless man with my Bentley, is that still a Righteous Kill?
MH: Dear Mr. Righteous Rich, No. You need to show him some compassion. Buy him a sandwich and a 40 ouncer, and then take him for a cruise in your Bentley up Mulholland Drive, preferably with the top down. Then, look him in the eyes, and say, “It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr X. I appreciated hearing your story, and now I will kill you with dignity.” Shoot him cleanly, and dump his body off one of the many cliffs along Mulholland. No one will ever even notice he’s gone, assuming anyone even noticed he was ever there (See future post: The Best Targets Are Those No One Knows Are Alive Or Cares Are Alive).
What Righteous Rich does not realize, however, is how unnecessary killing the poor is. I mean sure, it’s easy. No one in our society cares if they die. The families of the poor can’t hire high-priced lawyers or advocates to fight for their loved ones. Celebrities don’t do benefits for the poor victims. Poor kids don’t appear on Amber alerts, especially if they’re poor AND black or latino.
But even still, why waste your time killing the poor when society is already doing it for you. With such pitiful access to housing and even worse access to health care, any number of diseases will kill them off, especially diseases related to diet which appear disproportionately among the poor, such as diabetes and heart disease. Or cancers—if you can’t afford screenings, too bad. And then there are environmental factors such as where companies get to dumb their toxic waste. My God! And speaking of God, if all these other factors don’t kill the poor, God sends some tornado or hurricane through to take out the rest. Don’t waste your bullets on the poor, society and God are already doing a Bang-Up job.
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