VULCAN DEATH GRIP: HAS ANYONE HAD SUCCESS WITH THIS?

Call me Old-school.

There is only one Star Trek, and if you’re thinking it’s Next Generation, you and Wesley Krusher need to be launched into the black hole at the center of the Delta Quadrant.

Remember those good old days of childhood, when you first saw Spock do the Vulcan death grip? It was beautiful, a nice little one-handed pinch, really just the thumb and forefinger and middle finger, to that space between the shoulder and the neck: instant immobilization or, if done with slightly more pressure, death.

There was a kind of wonderful initiation process: first, you had to be able to make the “Live Long and Prosper” salute cleanly, without using your other hand to spread out your fingers. And then, only then, were you allowed to try the VDG. How many of you tried it out? I must have tried it on my sister more than a million times, trying to find that perfect spot and grip. I bet my mom would have really been pissed off if it ever worked. My friends and I tried it on each other, on the girls in our class, but alas, nothing.

So, if any of you have had success with this (preferably death, but if all you can do is induce a coma, we can at least use your technique as a starting point), and could provide a demonstration of how exactly it works—if you could do the VDG on someone and stream it on YouTube (who also does not approve of murder—unless it goes viral), we could link this up. I know quite a few in the nerd community who would finally be able to eliminate the popular people in a nerd-appropriate fashion (see also, The Perfect Murder: Swords and Spells).

NOTE: I have been contacted by a number of Silicon Valley folks who’ve promised billions for this information, if it exists, even funding for an IPO. The Perfect Murder will forward the information, and ask only a 20% finder’s fee.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER?

NO WAY: KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER!!