This is one of the two great mysteries of American civilization: how on earth does paper beat rock? (The other is: who is moronic enough to think Sarah Palin is either smart or hot? There is a provocative chapter addressing this in The Tea Party: For Imbeciles.)
I’ve studied the Rock Paper Scissors problem for some time and have arrived at a hypothesis: a young lad, one who inevitably was tormented with rocks and scissors by his schoolyard chums, stared down at his homework assignment. This was his epiphany, his Newton and the apple moment. If he could convince these other boys of the mysterious power of paper, he would rule the schoolyard. I can’t tell you how many times he got beat up before he persuaded them that paper beats rock, but clearly he (or his descendants) eventually did.
Some kids, I guess, can convince the feeble-minded that paper wins against rock (may also explain Palin enigma), but when it comes to murder, paper never wins.
Scissors have been tried on PBS murder mysteries, and sometimes on Murder, She Wrote, but they tend to be weapons of convenience, not weapons that the well prepared murderer would bring with him/her. And murderers who utilize scissors are never able to elude either Hercule Poirot or Jessica Fletcher.
Rocks are classics, the weapon with the most history behind it. Before our ancestors discovered fire and language, they knew what to do with a rock. Pick up rock, smash head. (If you are interested in this method, either because you prefer the classics or you don’t like reading, see the chapter in The Perfect Murder: For Imbeciles.)
As much as I like the classics, I’ve come to accept that our future as murderers is in technology. And that technology for now is the gun. Maybe someday, in a brighter world, we’ll even have gun apps on our cell phones, just imagine the possibilities.
So, the next time someone challenges you to Rock Paper Scissors, pull out a gun. Nothin’ beats the gun.
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