Cane gun/cane knife: I must say fewer weapons look cooler than the cane gun or knife when used in movies. I mourn the loss of such sophisticated deaths, but alas, ours is a modern time, bereft of the niceties of combat. The real problem here is that no one uses a cane anymore—the very act of carrying one will alert your target. Everyone has those goddamn walkers or Jazz-E’s. No wonder our whole country is obese if we can’t even make the disabled walk on their own three feet. Now, if you were to make a walker gun or walker knife . . . no, bad idea. That would look so stupid that even if you succeeded with the murder, you would hate yourself for such an ugly kill.
Umbrella gun/umbrella knife: this has most of the aesthetic qualities of the cane, but the tendency for the killer or the target to start singing Mary Poppins songs can be unnerving. That aside, umbrella weapons suffer from one great weakness, which is that they are often switched with regular umbrellas. The last thing you want is to inform someone that s/he is going to die, and then open your umbrella. If you’re lucky, they’ll die laughing, if not, you’ll die of embarrassment. Or, you’ll be out for a walk when it starts raining, and you’ll try to open your umbrella, only to find that you’re shooting at clouds.
Garrote©: How often have you seen someone sneak up behind an unsuspecting sap, pull the Garrote© around his/her neck, and then silently, the target slumps to the ground? This would appear to be the favorite means of assassination by spies, especially European spies. However, my research indicates that not to be the case. In fact, there is only one place left from which you can buy Garrotes©, and that is a vendor at a bazaar in Tangiers. (WARNING: there are some knockoffs from China that claim to be official Garrotes©, but they tend to snap, and what assassin wants a crappy, unreliable weapon.) If you can make it to Tangiers, then by all means I recommend a Garrote©, but you’ll also need to pick up some unfiltered cigarettes and a black beret. P.S. Simply using a wire, tie, or other strangling device does not count. If you want to Garrote© someone, you have to use a Garrote©.
Exotic poisons: Mushrooms, frogs, and fugu always seem so perfect when Agatha Christie or Masterpiece Theatre utilizes them, but how do the villains come by them. I’ve read all the books on mushrooms and toadstools, but as best I can tell, no one can really tell the difference. And the last thing I would think you want to do is give your target a savory dish that doesn’t kill him/her. As for poison frogs, guess what. The poison dart frogs at the local museum or herpetarium are not poisonous? What they don’t bother to tell you is that unless the frogs are raised on toxic insects from their home environments, the frog is perfectly harmless (and who would want to pay to see a non-toxic poison dart frog?). Furthermore, you will also need to master the blow/dart gun (use a practice dart first, because most novices inhale before they blow, and who wants to inhale a poisoned dart?). And if you wish to poison someone with fugu (blowfish), you must insist on wild caught—the farm raised fish have not eaten the necessary toxins that make fugu so appealing. Unless it is caught wild, it’s simply another fish in the tank. Thus, before you go out to poison someone with poison frogs or fugu, you have to go to Central America or the China Sea and catch a frog or fish. So basically, exotic poisons tend to make great plot devices, but I wouldn’t waste the effort. There are so many easier ways to kill. Leave the exotics to killers with limitless expense accounts and way too much time.
More on other exotic miscues will be forthcoming in later posts. Feel free to ask if I don’t discuss your favorites.
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