SO YOU WANT TO BE A SERIAL KILLER: PART 1: NAMES

Lots of people have killed one or two, but it takes a certain precocious type to aspire to be a serial killer. But, with the added celebrity comes an added responsibility, not only to your peers, your targets, but to posterity, the grand tradition of serial killers. And the first thing you must do, before you pick up that knife or gun, is come up with a name.

Now many of you may assume that is the responsibility of the police or F.B.I., but can you really trust them to give you a name worthy of history, one your kids could be proud of? I think not!

When we murderologists and novice serial killers think of the greats, of whom do we think? Who recalls Bob the Midday Mauler? George the Shooter? I bet you’ve never heard of them. What kind of notoriety is that? Think about their kids, telling their friends at school, “my dad is so cool, he’s George the Shooter.” Instead of instilling fear in his kids’ classmates, they’ll mock them. Do you really want that for your kids? Now imagine how Jack the Ripper’s kids were treated at school. Do you think anyone every bullied them? No, they probably stood in line to give his kids their lunch money.

For all the mass murderers and serial killers, no one has as cool a name as Jack the Ripper. Face it, he didn’t even kill that many people compared to a lot of these folks—it’s thought that it might have only been five—and how hard was it to kill a whore in London at the end of the 19th century? But the name, the name makes up for an otherwise unimpressive resume.

And Son of Sam? I bet the first kid who asked his son “so does that make you the Grandson of Sam?” ended up eviscerated on the cafeteria floor.

Or the Night Stalker—doesn’t that sound so much more badass that simply, Hello, I’m Richard Ramirez. And as if that wasn’t cool enough, tattooing a pentagram on your palm completes the presentation.

There are some very practical rules to follow when choosing a nom de guerre.

1. Given Jack the Ripper’s stature within our community, we have retired his name as a whole and both parts of it. I.e. you cannot be Jack the Crusher or Margaret the Ripper. We contemplated even retiring the “the” in his name, but that seemed too unmanageable.

2. Don’t use a name that has already been used. You cannot be Ivan the Terrible 2

3. Don’t slightly alter a name that’s already been used. You cannot be The Zodiac Slayer

4. Don’t pick a name you can’t fulfill. You cannot be the Unabomber if you don’t use bombs (you cannot be the Unabomber anyway, since it’s already been taken); similarly, you cannot have “Slash” in your name if you don’t use a blade

5. Don’t put someone famous’ name in your name unless you kill them. John Wayne Gacy did not kill John Wayne. The “Killer Clown” also seemed like he was trying too hard to tell us he was a killer. Psycho Clown is what he looked like—I think he should have worked that angle more. One exception: Hannibal Lecter: he did not kill Hannibal, but somehow it works.

6. You cannot use a cartoon supercriminal as your moniker.  No Riddlers, Jokers, Penguins, Dr Nos.  Trademark infringement is prosecuted more harshly than murder since it's the rich folks who are missing out on more money.

7. Don’t pick a name that has been copyrighted in part or in toto. You cannot be the McDonald’s Machete—even if the police don’t get you, the lawyers for McDonald’s will

8. No alliteration. You cannot be the McDonald’s Machete—even if McDonald’s doesn’t get you, one of us will for trivializing the noble tradition of serial killing

9. No initials that no one can ever remember—who the hell was the BLT killer, or BTK or something? He had at least ten kills but no one can remember who the hell he is. What kind of legacy is that?

10. No stupid puns—there’s some guy out in Los Angeles, he’s been getting away with murder for over 20 years, and he goes by the name the Grim Sleeper. My God!!!! If that man has any self-respect, he’ll kill himself for such a crappy name. What was he smokin’?

11. No acronyms, anagrams, or palindromes. If your claim to fame is witty word play, write a damn book and leave the killing to us

12. No schoolyard nicknames like “Scooter” or “Binky” or “Dickwad” unless you carve them in your target’s flesh. That makes it vengeful. Otherwise it’s simply an Oedipal issue and you probably still wet your bed.

13. Don’t include your home address in your name. If you choose to be the 47 Bluejay Lane Shooter, you are simply too dumb to point a gun in the right direction when you shoot

14. Don’t try to set yourself above other serial killers. You cannot be Best Killer Ever—you’ll end up having the shortest career ever.

15. Copyright your name before your first kill. You’ll find that you make more from copyright fees than you could imagine. If you also copyright your image, you’ll be set. You know how much Michael Jordan (who does not approve of this site) makes from his little Air Jordan image?

So, now that you know what is expected, start thinking up a good moniker. If you have doubts, feel free to contact The Perfect Murder and we will gladly critique your choice. Few come up with their names on the first try—before the Hillside Strangler was the Hillside Strangler, he was thinking about using The Suburban Strangler—see how much a little outside advice helped him?

Poor Josef Stalin. Talk about a pathetic name for a mass murderer. He appears to have had killed up to twice as many civilians as Hitler, but does society shrink at the name Stalin—oh him, wasn’t he the guy in the picture with Roosevelt and Churchill? Do we glare icily at parents who name their kids Joseph? Name your kid Adolph and see if Children’s Services don’t come? Your name matters (Shakespeare was wrong), and you only get to make it once (although technically, you could start killing under a different name, but you would need a different “signature” [see SO YOU WANT TO BE A SERIAL KILLER: PART 2: SIGNATURES] and you will lose credit for all kills under the previous name).

Think up some good names and let’s get killin’.