EXPLOSIVES: NOT FOR DUMMIES

There are times when we murderologists lean back in our chairs and chuckle. And yes, it is probably in poor taste when an acolyte blows himself up (no, I’m not being sexist, boys are ones who like bombs). But really, if someone with no training in chemistry or electrical engineering tries to make a bomb, what do you think will happen?


For those dummies who don’t know, I’ll spell it out. B-O-O-M.

Either you get blown up trying to make the bomb, or you get blown up trying to deliver the bomb. Either way, you are the only one turned into confetti. Really messy confetti.  (See related chapter in Meth Labs: For Morons.)

And on the off chance you don’t kill yourself, then you probably did something wrong and it won’t kill your target either. All that will happen is that the bomb squad will have a ton of evidence that you tried to kill someone. And guess what, the punishment for attempted murder tends to be almost as bad as it is for murder. But what’s even worse, at least murderers have some jailhouse cred as being badass—those convicted of attempted crimes are routinely given prison wedgies.

If you are still intent on using a bomb, I’d suggest getting a degree in electical engineering with a chemistry minor, and subscribing to The Perfect Murder: Genius Edition. It has a very good section on bomb making for the well-heeled intellectual. NOTE: if you think majoring in Chemical Engineering would kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, alas no (I made this mistake)—all you’ll be able to do is work for BP or Exxon.

I’ve heard that the terrorist training camps in Afghanistan and Pakistan do provide excellent instruction in bombmaking; however, you’d miss out on all the excitement of college life, frat parties, alcohol poisoning, football games, plagiarism. Oh yeah, and they tend not to stress the escape. Their graduates have an extremely high proportion of dying with their bombs. We murderologists would really prefer to see that proportion down below ten percent before we could ever recommend their academies.