GOD IS NOT VEGAN: A CASE STUDY OF THE FIRST MURDER

In the previous post, I mentioned the case of Cain and Abel, and thus I felt this would be the appropriate time to discuss the first murder so that we can learn what not to do.


Cain, Adam and Eve’s firstborn child, loved his vegetables. Abel, their second child, preferred meat. So one day, when they decided to make an offering to Jehovah, Cain brought an offering of the fruits of the ground, and Abel sacrificed the firstlings of his flocks. God, it turns out, hates vegetables and rejected Cain’s offering; God prefers blood and loved Abel best.

Cain was understandably upset, God loved his younger brother but rejected him. If God loves blood so much . . . he’d give him some, Abel’s.

CAIN’S MISTAKES:

Passion: Generally speaking, you can’t kill people that you really want to kill. It’s too obvious. People tend to remember the angry, ranting maniacs. (This will be discussed in great length in later postings, it is the number one reason why people get caught.)

Fratricide: if there is a specific term for your particular murder, then you’re going to be a suspect (this will be discussed in further detail in a later posting). See also: regicide, patricide, mercy killing.

Logic: Cain probably falls in the imbecile or moron category here. There were four people on the planet at the time. He killed one. His parents were the other two and they’d alibi each other. Even if he didn’t do it, he’d be the one going away for murder. Hmmm, maybe he didn’t do it? Did God really look into Adam and Eve’s stories? Did God think to question them separately? Everyone tends to believe that parents would never kill their kids, but haven’t we learned better yet?  And did anyone bother to question the chimpanzees?

Veganism: People don’t trust vegans, God doesn’t either. Not eating meat or anything animal-related just ain’t right. Clearly if you refuse to eat animals, your natural, God-given bloodlust must be expressed some other way. Cain couldn’t get his bloodlust from picking figs, so he killed his brother; at least that’s what the Bible says.

So what does the Bible teach us about the perfect murder: kill someone that you don’t care about who lives in a different town, but not your brother, and make sure someone sees you eat a hotdog (it can be a veggie dog, just don’t let anyone know it’s meatless).  And make sure there are more than four people on the planet when you do it.