KILLING ARIZONA

I have heard quite a few people compaining about the recent immigration law passed in Arizona, but I find that all this whining is short-sighted. Talk about looking a gift-burro (more on this below) in the boca. In fact, if I am not mistaken, Arizona could become a Mecca for murderers.


Now, pay attention, and re-read this if it gets too complicated (or requires too much Spanish), but I believe that even “dummies” can commit a good murder with this plan. DISCLAIMER: while I don’t believe murders in Arizona qualify as “perfect” in the aesthetic sense, they can be defined as such if your only concern is escaping jail time—Arizona is a great state to notch your first kill.

The first thing you need to know if you intend to commit murder in Arizona is one handy phrase: “Tu madre es una puta” (too MAH-dray ess OO-nah PUH-tah). If you don’t read Spanish, it translates rather nicely as “your mother is a whore.” I understand that many of you may not have had Spanish in high school, or if you did, you don’t remember anything, so I’ll give you a handy pronunciation hint: the more it sounds like the Taco Bell dog, the more those well meaning Arizonan cops and militia types will be convinced you’re Mexican.

Once you’ve mastered your Spanish, you are free to kill in Arizona. Any way you want. You don’t even have to worry about leaving evidence behind or having witnesses see you. That’s the utter beauty of Arizona and its new immigration policy. If a police officer or concerned citizen approaches you—you might have the murder weapon in your hand, be covered in blood, or have the body in the trunk, it doesnt’ matter—simply look him or her in the eye, with a smirk on your face as if you were planning on stealing his or her job, and say, “Tu madre es una puta.” Now, in most cases, having a police officer pistol whip you and smash your face in the hood of a cruiser is a bad thing, but in Arizona, this action will be followed immediately by your being thrown into a holding cell until you can be deported. Even if you’re white! They won’t even bother to give you due process, Mirandize you, or take your mug shots or fingerprints—they’re so deportation happy they’ll forget all about the fact that they were investigating a murder. Once in Mexico, wait a week or two, and then call and ask someone to send you your drivers license or other ID. Cross the border, and all is fine. (Note: if your face gets infected from the altercation with Arizona’s finest, wait until you get back to the states to get it fixed up; border clinics can be, well, rather suspect.)

I know some of you must be thinking, but I’m Black or Asian or Laplander, can I murder in Arizona too? Yes!  But just to be safe you might want to wear a sombrero and serape and trade in your getaway car for a burro. With that getup, you could probably shoot the sheriff himself, and they’d just throw you over the fence of freedom.

Another benefit to being deported is that if you like killing but prefer Mexico, the border drugs gangs are always in need of more hired guns (I think they have job postings on Monster and Craigslist).

Note to Dummies, Morons and Imbeciles: Make sure you are not in Texas; if you are anywhere in the Southwest, buy a good map—the old fashioned kind that is impossible to refold. Don’t trust GPS or Mapquest—even if they do actually give you the right directions, there’s a computer trail. And do not circle cities or highlight your route, especially your escape route—see forthcoming post Nothing in Writing). This same phrase, “Tu madre es una puta,” uttered to a Texas officer will result in a pistol whipping, head smashing, tasering, and then a few gunshots (in self-defence, of course), and then your body will be dragged to the middle of west Texas where the coyotes, vultures, and javelinas can feast on it. (See my future post on The Donut Theory of Proximity or my forthcoming blog, The Perfect Murder: For Cops.)