HIT MEN

While I was always told, if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself (and to which I religiously adhere), some of you out there prefer to have someone else do their dirty work.  To this end, I have decided to respond to the flood of e-mails concerning hit-men (as much as I believe in equal opportunity, hit women are essentially a fiction of film--definitely sexy, but in the real world, you'll be hard pressed to find any hit-women, much less ones that will have sex with you and kill your target).

Every murderologist I know has a favorite “hit man” story, and they almost always begin “A man walks into a bar….” I think TV has led us astray on this one. Why do we assume that if we go into a seedy bar, the person sitting next to us will be a professional hit man. This is utterly moronic, and if I offend some of my readers who may have tried this (and are probably reading this from a prison computer), then clearly you should be reading the Pop-Up version of this.

Okay, I will try to maintain my professional demeanor. Walking into a seedy bar and asking for a hit man is an invitation to jail. Eighty-four percent of the people in any given seedy bar who will answer your call are undercover cops or FBI. They know that Morons and Imbeciles are easy to catch—it’s the proverbial fish in a barrel—and if they can catch enough Moron and Imbeciles then it raises their conviction percentages. It’s why the average education of those serving life sentences is less than 12th grade. Sadly, a lot less.

So, don’t go to a seedy bar looking for a hit man. The same is true for ads that you find in Guns and Ammo or Soldier of Fortune. Here, I think the numbers might be as high as 94%--most of whom are FBI since these magazines are shipped over state lines.

In an ideal world, hit men and women would be free to advertise anywhere, but in our society, coming out as a hit man or woman can lead to ridicule, ostracization, and arrest. I’ve formulated a theory based on the college girls gone wild model. Quite a few college girls have admitted to stripping for college tuition, even prostitution, but the demand to see a bunch of dicks just hasn’t materialized. But guys need money too, especially guys at expensive colleges. This is the brilliance of the plan.

First, going to seedy bars is the biggest mistake. Go to nice bars close to expensive universities, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, etc. Don’t talk to the patrons, who will be snotty rich kids that you’ll want to kill anyway. Talk to the guy tending bar. He’s probably a student there who has to work his way through. He’s probably smart (which is why he got in). Sit at the bar, mumbling to yourself, “God, I wish X was dead.” As a guy working his way through, he’ll know that commiseration leads to good tips. Big tips make him think you have money. If, after a few visits and a number of drinks, you let slip that you’d pay a certain amount of money for someone to die (Do your homework: find out how much one year’s tuition is), see what he says. Either he’ll be sympathetic to your plight and let slip he might be able to help, or he’ll ask you out. The great thing about this scenario is that you know the guy behind the bar is not a cop, and if he reports you, you can blame it on the vodka speaking (never allow the bartender to set you up with a “friend” who will do it).

And never pay in advance. 10-20% down is fair, although TV shows suggest it should be 50. If a kid demands 50, be suspicious and ask for references.