Christians rejoice! Notify the New York Times and CNN!!! Oh wait, you’re Christians—notify the Washington Times and Fox News!!!! In my research on killing, I have finally found proof that God is better than Charles Darwin. Take that atheists, scientists, liberals, high school graduates!
Sometimes the truth hides in plain sight—I can’t believe all the great Christians minds (is this an oxymoron?) of the past never noticed this. I have found the proof of God’s superiority over Darwin. Now pay close attention, because this proof requires a few steps, and if you are not particularly good at reading (say, because you will homeschooled) you might miss the magnificence of God’s greatness.
Here it is: how many people have been killed by “Acts of God”: billions and billions. It’s like McDonald’s, in the old days, McDonald’s kept changing the signs about how many hamburgers they’d sold. Once it got into the billions, they figured it was pretty much accepted that they’d sold more hamburgers than anyone. It’s the same with God. After he killed his first billion, he figured he didn’t need to add more chapters to the Bible to tell us who else he killed.
How many people have been killed by “Acts of Darwin”? ZERO. QED! GOD KICKS ASS!!!
Is this not a brilliant proof?
*NOTE: This proof also can be adapted to demonstrate why God is better than Lucifer. Face it, when did an "Act of Satan" kill 200,000 people? God's done that twice in the past 6 years--tsunami, earthquake. Take that Dark Lord! Maybe Charles Manson and the Goths are following the wrong spiritual guide.
Praise The Lord! (or die)
This is a compelling proof, but what about the stupid hillbillies who shoot off their heads because they look down the barrel of their gun to see if it's loaded? Or the morons who try to ride out category 5 hurricanes? These cases may not equal billions, but shouldn't Darwin get a least a few points?
ReplyDeleteDejected Scientist from CalTech
You have a good point, Dejected Scientist.
ReplyDeleteI should give Darwin a few kills for the morons out there. As for the hurricane scenario, it would seem that both God and Darwin get half a point.
This was just the first draft of the proof. Once I get it all finalized, I'll send it to a peer-reviewed journal.
Thank you for your help,
Michael Hardin
P.S. May I privately send you a revised version of my proof before I submit it?
I'm so depressed. Goth has promised me so much comiseration, now I can't even believe that the Devil is the worst thing out there. I'm so depressed I think I'm gonna start wearing pink and listen to Debbie Boone. God my life is so empty now.
ReplyDeleteCheryl from West Chester (formerly known as Narcissus) sigh.
MH: Cheryl, I understand your depression. The realization that one's belief system is based on a lie can be devastating. But please, don't listen to Debbie Boone--just say NO. And if you do have to wear pink, try it first ironically, baby steps.
ReplyDeleteFinally, there is only one truth: DEATH. We all die. Ben Franklin said there were two, but we know that the rich never pay taxes, so we are ultimately left with one, DEATH. KILL or BE KILLED, you're still gonna die. Isn't that a much better thought that God or Satan or Wall Street has let you down? Don't give up hope yet, death has never failed us.
You stupid communists, don't you know God has to win at everything He does, even stuff like "Who has the gulliblest sychophants?" or hotdog eating contests. God always wins you morons.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy hell. Ha ha ha!! Tell Satan you love him.
Ernest P. Thule
Jesus is the Prince of Peace. He will always overcome. You might think this sophomoric blog is funny, but once he comes and you're suffering through the Tribulation, you'll wish you had recognized the power of our Redeemer. I'll pray for you, even if you don't want it.
ReplyDeleteChrist will win the final victory, please don't wait too long to repent.
Sarah