WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

(The simple answer: He would have God the Father or the Holy Ghost whack ‘em)


But glibness aside, many of you may have moral reservations about murder, and I can respect that. Thus, I will try to present a moral argument based in our Judeo-Christian tradition that will address your possible hesitations.

Having grown up Fundamentalist and Pentecostal Christian, I often look first to the Bible for insight on issues of morality.

Everyone knows “Thou shalt not kill” (Exodus 20:13 King James Version, or just look on any of the thousand monuments on public property or in school houses); it’s usually the only one of the ten commandments that people can remember—did you realize you can’t covet your neighbor’s ass or his wife? (Although it would seem that coveting your neighbor’s wife’s ass is okay). Most Christians don’t read the Old Testament, except maybe the Psalms, and miss out on much of the more enlightening things that Jehovah has to say. God tells King Saul,

Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. (I Samuel 15:3 KJV)

Clearly, the “Thou shalt not kill” dictum is being overridden, and God’s need to have the babies and camels dead might not sit well with a contemporary audience, but there it is. Kill ‘em all. My church actually liked this passage—it gave us hope that God would kill everyone who was not like us (or maybe God would even let us do it). It seems that the Israelis like it as well.

Jesus too provides us with valuable insight. Jesus must have realized that 10 Commandments were too many in his “Christianity for Dummies,” so he reduced it down to two for us.

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy god with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Mark 12: 30-31)

He took out the killing prohibition, and he only requires that we love our neighbors (and even that assumes that we love ourselves—what about those of us full of self-loathing?). We’re free to hate and kill people so long as they don’t live near us.

It seems that someone noticed the lack of the prohibition on killing, so Christ then told us:

“Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: but I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment.” (Matthew 5.21-22 KJV)

You might be thinking, “Aha, I knew Jesus was all about the love and peace,” but that is what happens when you read the Good News Bible or follow the Prosperity Doctrine. No, Jesus is saying that if you get angry, you might as well just kill the bastard because you’re already going to hell. And yes, I know there is a “without a cause” clause that might justify anger, but how often do you think Christ would approve of your cause? He’s never driven in traffic, do you think “that @#$* cut me off” is a good enough cause?

And the Holy Ghost. Even the Holy Ghost gets in on the action. Who do you think offed Ananias and Sapphira (another Bible story you missed unless you’re a Pentecostal)? And do you know what they did, they told the church that they donated all the proceeds from the sale of their land instead of merely some of the proceeds.

“But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? . . . And Ananais, hearing these words, fell down, and gave up the ghost.” (Acts 5: 3, 5 KJV; Sapphira is killed in verse 10)

So we know what God and the Holy Ghost have no problem with killing, even for flimsy reasons, and Jesus is going to send us for hell just for getting angry.

Lock and load for Jesus.