Wow, I had only heard rumors that these were in production, then one of my sources told me that the focus groups were summarily unimpressed. I was sure the technology would be lost. But it looks like our dear friends at Ginsu decided that there just might be a market!
Late last night, really it was early early morning, after watching a Vincent Price movie marathon (The Fly, House of Wax, and House on Haunted Hill—tonight they’re showing his Edgar Allan Poe flicks!), there was an infomercial for Portable Guillotines! Not some crappy vacuum cleaner, exercise contraption, Do-It-Yourself Colonoscopy Kit, or best-selling book that tells you not to believe doctors, No! Real Portable Guillotines! (Ginsu Inc does not support the philosophy of this site, nor does it intend its guillotines to behead—they are for entertainment purposes only.)
Instead of the bulky guillotines of the past, where you would have to drag the aristocrats to the guillotine, now you can bring it to them. At just under two feet by two feet (22"x20"), this guillotine can be carried anywhere—it even fits in the overhead bin of most airplanes.
Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, how could something that small lop off a head? Great question! Instead of those massisve, gravity powered blades of yore, the Portable Guillotine has a lightweight, stainless steel blade that is spring-loaded. (Admittedly, the guillotines of the past had gravitas–you could see if from afar, and the closer you got to it, the more you could feel its presence, the more you could imagine the blade against the back of your neck.) And it comes with Ginsu’s patented serrated blade, so not only can you cut off a head, you can cut tomatoes, roofing nails, or aluminum cans! And it never needs sharpening. The only thing you’ll ever have to do is wipe off the blood—and according to the infomercial, if you order with a MasterCard (who also does not approve of this site), you’ll get a special chamois that cleans blood right up--in one swipe. And if you would have ordered last night, they said you could get two guillotines for the price of one. (I’m not sure why anyone needs a second guillotine, unless you’re looking for the perfect wedding present.) Oh yeah, and they’re only charging $49.99 plus shipping and handling.
You might be thinking I’m getting a kickback, but no. I don’t have ads on my site, and while I might think some products are excellent, I would never contaminate murder with commercial gain.
As great as these guillotines are, however, I am unsure how they fit within the murdering community. I know you are thinking, well, put it over someone’s head and release the lever. Voilá. Alas, it is not that simple. I think you’d have a better chance with a normal Ginsu knife than with the guillotine. I can’t figure out how to place the guillotine over the target’s head without him/her becoming aware of it. And if you think, well, what if s/he is sleeping? That too seems problematic, since every way I can imagine applying it would wake the target before the guillotine was attached. And if you are considering drugging your target first, I must adamantly discourage you. We at The Perfect Murder do not support drugging individuals (except yourself, of course), in that it shows a certain degree of disrespect for your target and the fine art of murder.
So for now, I cannot recommend this as a murder tool, but it sure looks fun. If any of you can work out a practical way to use this for murder, please post a comment and we’ll share your insights with the group.
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